11
Jun
14

true love’s kiss?

maleficent
I’ll be completely honest, I’m NOT a Disney fan. Even as a child, I disagreed with the messages the stories sent in regards to women. Why do we always need to be saved? Thank God for men! What would all of us poor meek girls do without the stronger, smarter male gender to bail us out?

I’m not sure what happened in Maleficent. Perhaps Minnie Mouse finally got fed up and went to the board of directors. Everything we’ve learned through the many years of sexist Disney movies is notably absent. Maleficent is in essence, a Prequel to Sleeping Beauty. It takes us inside Maleficent’s story and enlightens us on how she became such an evil presence. Get this… It was a guy’s fault! Maleficent was a happy little fairy, beloved by everyone until some cocky, power hungry man came along and stole her spirit.. And her wings. This Stefan jerk wanted to become king so badly that he betrayed his friendship with a really sexy fairy in order to do it. Essentially, he roofied her and hacked off her wings. Disney date rape? Whaaaaattt?

I don’t know about you, but I’d be pissed. One time, I was stood up for a date and took it out on all of mankind for a good 48 hours. I can’t imagine what I’d do if someone performed surgical procedures on my hot, passed out body. Granted, Maleficent went a little overboard. “I’m really angry. I know what I’ll do. I’ll put a curse on a baby.” In my opinion, this is a little extreme. Most babies are pretty chill. Stefan is a jackass, but messing with his infant is just wrong.

Cursing babies

Cursing babies

The curse is the ever popular “prick your finger on a spinning wheel on your 16th birthday and fall into a coma” curse. That’s the best you could come up with? Naturally, father of the year decides to send his baby, Aurora to live in seclusion in the woods with three really dumb, non-motherly fairies for 16 years and a day. Why wouldn’t he? That’s clearly the best solution. Aurora grows up to be a pretty annoying teenaged girl with zero social skill (that’s what forest living will do to a girl). However, as Maleficent keeps tabs on the girl, she grows to care for her a great deal, for some reason. We begin to see a softer side of her character.

Of course, Aurora has a gentleman suitor who becomes enamored with her, I’m guessing based solely on her looks because the character could not be more boring. Prince Phillip, apparently is a normal teenaged boy.

Try as they might, they just can’t keep Aurora away from a damn spinning wheel on her 16th birthday. It’s seriously, the worst birthday party ever. I’d probably be looking for a way out too, in her shoes. Maleficent desperately tried to revoke the curse, but she’s so good at curses even she can’t break it. Aurora falls into a deep, beautiful slumber which can only be reversed by “true love’s kiss”. Maleficent urges Prince Phillip to kiss Aurora in hopes that she will awaken. This might be my favorite part… They acknowledge how creepy this is. Thank you! You should NEVER make out with someone who’s unconscious. EVER. You’ll get arrested. Phil protests a bit by pointing out that he’d only met her once, very briefly in the woods. Thanks for not being a complete tool, Phil. Maleficent eventually convinces him to plant a very non-sexual, quick kiss on the sleeping princesses lips in front of witnesses. No monkey business! Well, it doesn’t work. Do you know why? Because Phil doesn’t love her. They just met, so that would be weird. He thinks she’s hot… End of story.

Maleficent has all but given up at this point. She’s responsible for this coma, which somehow requires no medical intervention on any level. I looked for feeding tubes, to no avail. As she leans over to say goodbye, she gives sleepy head a sweet, motherly kiss. Guess what? Life of the party wakes up! True love doesn’t have to come from a man? What? Is it possible that we don’t need men to save us? Well, this is a new development. I feel like Walt must be turning in his grave. We’ve destroyed his vision of helpless women everywhere!

Listen, Maleficent isn’t the best movie I’ve ever seen. In fact, I’m pretty sure it’s not even a true story. However, kudos to Disney for at least attempting to make women a little less needy and pathetic. I was actively looking for a boyfriend before I saw this movie. To hell with that! I have a kid AND a cat. I can get “true love’s kiss” any time I want.

08
Jun
14

Pool Crimes

Last year's pool party

Last year’s pool party


OMG, you guys! My pool might actually open next week… Only 2 1/2 weeks late! The maintenance guy at my building, the Mayfair said I should be thankful that it’s opening at all. According to him, this will be the earliest it’s ever opened. Woo-hoo! Way to celebrate inadequacy! I’ve tried to reach out to the owner of my building, Lenore Krantz (lovely woman that she is), but for some reason she won’t take my calls. I’ll be honest, my feelings are kind of hurt because I’m an absolute blast to chat with. I guess I’ll just have to use this platform instead. I’m much more comfortable with the public forum anyways, Lenore. I wouldn’t want to get hit with your broom in person.

The maintenance guy flat out told me that she refuses to speak with me and that she plans to ban me from the pool for having an opinion. I’ll tell you what… I can’t wait for that call to the Lakewood Police Department! I’m not completely up to date on the particular ordinances in regards to swimming related crimes, but if you guys could start saving your pennies in the event that I need to be bailed out of the clink for my egregious acts, I’d surely appreciate it. You guys are the best!

I’m no attorney, but I’m pretty sure that you can’t pick and choose what parts of a property a paying tenant is trespassed from, unless I did something horrifying like pooped in the pool or blasted Justin Beiber songs on loop while sunbathing naked. I also complained about the shitty laundry facilities, so I suppose I’m no longer allowed to use the dryers either. I’ll have to take my Bounce dryer sheets someplace where the machines actually work. That should free up an extra six hours on laundry day.

Reasonable Pool Rules. Who needs guests?

Reasonable Pool Rules. Who needs guests?

Let me be clear with one thing, I don’t blame building management at all. Those poor folks have been dealing with Ebenezer Krantz for years. Let me tell you, I plan to be the ghost of summers past, present and future. Maybe she’ll see the error of her ways before Lucifer takes her to her firey ever after. This broad shouldn’t be allowed to get away with the same mistakes time and time again without repercussions. If 19 Action News shows up on your property and demands to know why the pool isn’t open at the end of June, wouldn’t you be damn sure that didn’t happen again the next year? Does she think I’m any less of a sarcastic asshole than I was last year? I like to think my sarcasm is aging like a fine wine. This isn’t difficult. Do the shit you’re supposed to do as a landlord, and I’ll gladly be a model tenant. For me, the pool was the swing vote when I moved into this shit hole. Open it on God-damned Memorial Day weekend like every other pool-having place does. It’s such a simple solution. If you don’t, I will bitch. I promise.

I’m sure you’ve gathered by now that I don’t think my slumlord is a very nice person. None of this in conjecture. I’ve repeatedly heard her scream at and belittle the people who work for her. I can’t imagine ever speaking to another human being, animal or new aged robot in that manner. Her tenants don’t matter either, and I get that. I don’t want to adopt her as my 3rd grandmother or anything. I just want to be respected. I pay my rent on time. How about you do your part?

Last year, sweetheart had the nerve to charge tenants a $10 fee for a pool pass when it didn’t open until July. She also posted the ‘pool rules’ which I’ve included for your enjoyment. No guests? Wow… Am I allowed to have people over inside my apartment, evil step-mom, or is that something you’d like to regulate as well? Who wants to come over for my pool party? Perhaps I’ll run around the pool with my cat, while eating a Wendy’s double bacon cheeseburger and chain smoking Marlboros. Who’s with me?

04
Jun
14

Trailer Park application

Grillin' up some steakums

Grillin’ up some steakums

Dear City of Lakewood,

I would like you to consider reclassifying my apartment building, the Mayfair from ‘luxury apartment’ to trailer park. Hear me out here… I know it sounds far fetched, but I think you’ll see my side. Effectively, I think this should knock my rent down about $500 per month.

I’ve included a picture of the building’s ‘sparkling pool’ (their words, not mine). As you can see, it’s June and there isn’t any water in said pool. In fact the only moisture appears to be some sort of moldy residue in the ‘deep end’. We’ve been down this road before, my friends. Last year, sparkleville didn’t open until July 4th, and that was only after I demonstrated how awful pool parties are when there isn’t any water in the pool. http://thebroadsside.com/2013/06/22/worst-pool-party-ever/

Who wants to go swimming?

Who wants to go swimming?

Coupled with the fact that the washers and dryers in the ‘state of the art’ laundry facility are evidently decorative, I’m sure you can understand my frustration. Spending $15 for one load of laundry because the dryer takes four cycles isn’t exactly something I look forward to doing. Perhaps, I’ll just start individually drying my clothing with a hair dryer.

I’m aware of the fact that last winter was especially brutal, but I feel that heat is pretty critical. I didn’t appreciate being huddled around a space heater with my cat, while wearing a snuggy the majority of the winter. Did I mention I’m single? Thank you, Mayfair for your generosity with the ‘free heat’! The owner also refuses to spend extra money on salting the parking lot. I guess I should feel privileged that the plow driver journeys through the lot at all. I waved at him several times, but I was flat on my back after slipping so he probably didn’t see me.

Cooling off with a PBR Tallboy

Cooling off with a PBR Tallboy

I’ve included some pictures to show you that I’ve already begun my transition to the trailer park lifestyle. I’ll have to admit, I’m having a great time! Just the other day, I was listening to “All Summer Long” by Kid Rock while cooking up some scrumptious Steakums on the grill that’s stuck into the grass in the back yard. Tell me that doesn’t sound like a blast! Additionally, I’ve begun shopping exclusively at Wal-mart and my bra straps are always exposed. I plan to start parking my car on the grass, but only out front. I wouldn’t want to take up space in the area where I plan to fashion a slip n slide out of hefty bags and a garden hose. Who needs a pool? Laundry is no longer an issue since I’ve commenced drying my unmentionables on a clothesline in the parking lot.
Laundry Day!

Laundry Day!

I’m confident that if we work together, we can make this happen. I’ll gladly volunteer to be tornado preparedness captain if that sways your vote in my favor. If you would care to discuss the specifics further, feel free to stop by and we can toss back a few PBR tall boys on the rotted picnic tables on the luxury grounds. Just don’t be surprised when I crush the can on my head and throw it on the ground after I’ve shotgunned it.

Thanks so much for your time!

24
Feb
14

Commissioner May I? NFL Rule Suggestions

Dear Commissioner Goodell,

Doody headIt’s me again. My last letter must have been lost in the mail, as I have yet to receive a response. I forgive you. However, I would be remiss not to have an open discussion with you regarding the latest development in the NFL. I actually think I can be of some help on this one. Naturally, I’m speaking of the possibility of penalizing players 15 yards for using the offensive and despicable “n-word”. This isn’t language I would use myself, but for the argument’s sake, I’m a lady.

I have some suggestions that may help. I’m sure we can agree that the offensiveness of this word is largely based on connotation and who utters it. An African American saying it to another African American would be a lot different than a Caucasian player using the term. Where do we draw the line? You need to be able to insult people during a tough guy game like football, right? I can’t imagine getting through a week of FANTASY football without insulting someone. To be fair, I’m usually saying something awful about my opponent’s mother, but that’s neither here nor there.

Have you ever played “Mother May I”? I have the feeling you have, since the NFL’s rule structure is becoming terribly similar. Maybe you can change it to “Commissioner May I”! How awesome would that be? Every time there’s a play, they have to ask YOU for permission! “Commissioner may I advance 20 yards?” Bear with me because this is where it gets fun! “No you may not, but you can spin three times like a music box ballerina!” I have a feeling the fans would get a real kick out of it! No?

As far as the players go, I’ve come up with a few acceptable on-field insults. 1) Doody Head: That one will hurt some feelings. How can you possibly have your head in the game after that one? 2) Jerk Face: That’s pretty damn hurtful. If you want someone to fumble, that’s the way to go. 3) Snack Wafer: This one is clearly meant for Peyton Manning. I’m assuming we’re going to avoid ALL racist comments, but I’m pretty sure he knows he’s a cracker so I found a nicer way to say it. You’re welcome, NFL! Last but not least, the guys are going to need a replacement for the N-word when it’s said between two African American players in a non-racist manner. I suggest “kind sir”. Perhaps they could curtsy after saying it.

Listen, racism is reprehensible and I think most of civilized society will agree with you there. I just take exception to anyone thinking they can fix that issue by policing speech on the football field. There are a LOT of things you shouldn’t say to people. It’s not possible to regulate in this manner. Speech becomes almost automatic after a period of time. I’m sure there are black players that use it so frequently that it would be pretty difficult to chamber that reaction. Do we penalize them? The reality of it is that these are grown ass men playing a violently aggressive sport. They put their physical safety on the line every week and all of a sudden we’re concerned with hurting feelings? This isn’t a tea party, it’s football. If you insist on going this route, I have a few other ideas you may want to consider…

1- After every tackle, the players must hug for three seconds. We don’t want anyone to take said tackling personally.
2- All touchdown celebrations must now be a square dance move. Do-si-do in the endzone, my friends!
3- Half-time will now be time for everyone to talk about their feelings while in a circle holding hands. You are required to say something nice to the player on your left and pass it on until the circle of happy thoughts is complete.
4- No more beer at NFL stadiums. The fans should be made to suffer through all games, especially us Browns fans. We should be required to see every painful play of the season with a clear head.
Hopefully, I’ve been a huge help here. If you need any more assistance, I’d be happy to sit on the committee. Go Browns!

XOXO,
Your friend, Jen

06
Feb
14

Quit Your Twitter Bitching

It seems that every news piece lately has the following… “The comments sparked outrage on Twitter” or “The Twitterverse was in an uproar”. Are you kidding me? Why is it that every time someone makes a comment we don’t agree with, the answer is to launch a Twitter attack against said person or organization, whether or not their statement has any merit? Ultimately that person removes the ‘offensive’ tweet and issues some sort of half-assed apology just to shut everyone up. It’s asinine, really.

photo (19)
My first example is a tweet by ‘Supernatural’ star, Jared Padelecki regarding the death of Philip Seymour Hoffman. He called the famous actor’s demise due to a heroin overdose ‘senseless’ and ‘stupid’. OK… where’s the problem here? Was sticking a needle in his arm smart and sensible in your world? Did I miss some sort of PSA in the 90s that claimed heroin was awesome for your health? Does it have Vitamin C and I’ve been missing out all these years? The point is that PSH made a conscious decision somewhere along the line to do something that he knew was horrible and potentially life threatening. I’m 100% confident that I will not die of a heroin overdose. Do you know why? Probably because I would never make the decision to partake in heroin the first time. It’s really that simple.

Before you go throwing your addiction arguments at me… I get it. I fully comprehend the evils of addiction. Once again, that’s not going to be a issue for me because I would NEVER DO HEROIN. Problem solved. I’m fairly confident that if I tried it, I would become an addict… most do. There’s one less thing I have to worry about killing me. Have you ever seen it glamorized? It doesn’t look like a good time to me at all. It’s not like you’re the life of the party after you shoot up. You basically pass out in an Lazy Boy recliner and hope you don’t cease breathing entirely. Sign me up! That sounds like a blast. People are so quick to defend PSH because he was relevant. Look, I really liked him in ‘Capote’ too, but this death was in fact stupid and senseless. If anything, Padelecki should be applauded for having the balls to say what he believes. With that being said, anytime someone dies it’s sad and I’m probably going to watch as many PSH movies as Netflix will allow in the immediate future as a tribute. If it was your friend, brother or daughter who OD’d, do you think there would have been arrests immediately following the death? Or would the police just chalk it up to another junkie pushing the limits? His celebrity does not make this acceptable. I lost a very close friend to a heroin overdose a little over a year ago. How very stupid and senseless. That statement doesn’t mean that I loved that guy any less.

photo (20)

Some of you may have also seen the terribly offensive tweet (to some) by Purell on Super Bowl Sunday. They compared the performance of the Denver Broncos to the Cleveland Browns! Oh, the horror! Someone called our shitty football team shitty? We need to stand up for ourselves, damn it! Ok… umm, what do we say? This is what they mean by bringing a knife to a gun fight. We’ve got nothing, my friends. When you haven’t won a championship in 50 years and the Team Shop sells generic jerseys so you can write in the starting QB’s name in sharpie from week to week (ok, I made that part up), you really don’t have a leg to stand on. Their assessment is fairly accurate, so I for one am a bit perplexed by the reaction of some of our Cleveland fan base. It’s great to have team pride, but roll with the punches when someone calls a spade a spade. Purell did the pussy thing and removed the tweet. God forbid someone’s feelings were hurt. Uh-oh… Twitter got mad again!

Social media (especially Twitter) has made us all a bit more likely to have these types of reactions. You can hide behind your Twitter handle and say reprehensible things to people, simply because you don’t agree with them. Sweet! Maybe if a shit ton of you get together and harass people, you can bully them into retracting their original comment based solely on the fact that it’s not what you want to hear. Maybe you can make a famous person change their ways! Like it or not, interracial families will still eat Cheerios together and people who don’t speak English will continue to live in America while guzzling 2 liters of Coke, whether or not your Twitter bitching continues. So… carry on. I’m sure there’s a Kardashian doing something you hate at this very moment. Better get on that.

17
Nov
13

A Quarterback for Christmas

20131117-094055.jpgDear Santa,

You like football, right? I mean… Doesn’t everyone? I have a feeling you probably dabbled back in the day. Am I right? You have punt returner written all over you, my good man. Go special teams! Well, the reason for this letter is relatively simple. I wanted to get my Christmas gift request in fairly early this year so you’d have ample time to make good on it. You see, I would like a new Quarterback for the Cleveland Browns organization. Before you get ahead of yourself and remind me how selfish it is to want yet another QB seeing as we’ve already burned through a few this season and an unfathomable 20 since the team returned in 1999, let me clarify. I would like a GOOD QB. A franchise QB like Brady, Brees or Manning (not the shitty Manning… The good one). I want one who plays every Sunday and throws passes for receptions (and ideally TDs) … Repeatedly. Sounds reasonable, right?

Consider this on the same tier as one of those requests from darling children asking for world peace for Christmas instead of presents. Santa, this really is a gift for the entire city of Cleveland. Damn, I’m such a humanitarian. I’m not really sure where you should start your search, and evidently neither is the Browns front office. Let’s just keep them out of this altogether, shall we? Since I’m all but certain your workshop is incapable of handling such a huge undertaking, I’ll try to help. I’d start by hunting down women that Bernie Kosar slept with in the late 80s- early 90s. There’s bound to be some illigitimate sons out there somewhere. What a heart warming story that would be! They’d probably even make a Lifetime movie out of it starring Valerie Bertinelli as the misunderstood groupie working at Hooters. Seriously, I just teared up a bit.

Also, I’m not entirely opposed to having a robot QB, although I’m not really sure what league regulations are on that. Mr. Goodell won’t even let me bring my purse to a game, so I’m sure there’s some sort of robot ordinance as well. Another option would be to bring back performance enhancing drugs so that when we actually have a promising prospect, he doesn’t fold like a paper doll after two starts. C’mon Santa… Don’t tell me you don’t miss steroids! My request might sound unreasonable, but I have faith in you even though I asked for the Michael Jackson Thriller doll when I was 10 and didn’t get it until four years later when my grandma found it at a garage sale. Bush league, Santa. Bygones, though. You’re working with a clean slate here. If anyone can make this happen, I believe it’s you. 20131117-094946.jpg

In closing, Santa… I’m not going to pretend I’ve been good this year. We all know that’s just not true, but this is actually HUGE for you too. Just think how much easier life would be for you if little Timmy Johnson asked for a jersey with his Browns QB’s name on the back and it actually lasted an entire season! Or MORE! What?? That would be awesome! It saves you and the elves the man power and Timbo’s mom a trip down to the Goodwill when the wheels fall off the QB’s ill fated bus. Everybody wins, big guy.

Maybe next year? Well, I think that’s up to you, Santa.

P.S. Whatever you do, avoid Jeff Garcia’s house when you’re establishing your flight plan.

24
Oct
13

Twins Drinking Game

NelsonI love drinking games. I can turn pretty much anything into one. In fact, I’m playing one right now while writing this. Recently, I’ve had the opportunity to spend a little time with friends of mine who happen to be twins. In fact, they’re dangerously close to surpassing Matthew and Gunnar Nelson as my all time favorite adult male twins. I’m certain I’m guilty of it as well… But people tend to say and do some strange things around people who share the same faces. It seems that even complete strangers have no problem approaching and asking asinine questions. Some of them act like they’ve just seen a unicorn. Do you see where I’m going with this? Holla! Yes! The twins drinking game! You don’t have to be a twin to play along. Shit, I don’t care if you play it during Full House reruns as you attempt to determine whether Mary Kate or Ashley is playing Michelle Tanner at any given moment. I’ll outline a few simple rules, but feel free to add your own.

If someone approaches with the question, “Are you twins?” regardless of how obvious it may be; Everybody takes one drink. Incidentally, the answer to this question should always be ‘no’, even if the twins in question are fused together at the collar bone.

Someone says “Double Trouble”, probably while winking and/or doing the fake gun motion with their right hand; Everyone takes two drinks.

Someone says “Package deal”; Everyone takes one drink (after they stop giggling because someone said “package”).

If someone launches into a ridiculously irrelevant story about how many times they’ve seen ‘Parent Trap’; Everybody takes one drink. If the perpetrator makes it clear that it was the Lindsay Lohan version, immediately take that person’s drink. They don’t deserve to have any fun. EVER.

If someone asks one twin, “Are you the good one”? (Side note… It will inevitably be a middle aged balding guy laughing uncontrollably at his own joke, like it’s the funniest thing he’s ever said. And, it probably is.) Punch him in the throat, removing all doubt that the aforementioned twin is the good one. Everyone finishes the drink in their hand. drinking games

Every time someone calls one twin the wrong name; Shots for everyone! This will likely happen a lot, so you’re welcome. If things start to get too crazy, you might want to place a secret mark on one of them with a sharpie or lip liner so you quit making the same mistake repeatedly. I mean, remembering which shirt someone’s wearing can be tricky. (I’m assuming adult twins would be dressed differently. However, if you’re at a children’s birthday party for adorable matchy twins, ignore my sarcastic comments and drink up).

This next one will take some advance planning amongst your twins… If someone asks, “Do you do everything together?” or “Can you read each other’s minds?” ; Everyone takes one drink, except for one twin who deliberately does not, just to prove a point. That point is that you’re basically an asshole for asking. If said twins really can read each other’s minds, feel free to skip the advance planning part. They’ll ‘just know’.

If someone pinches one twin and asks whether or not the other one feels it; the entire party should immediately start putting all their drinks on that guy’s tab for the rest of the night. He’s a tool.

I look forward to someday teaching my toddler twin nieces this game. As for the rest of you, I’m sure you can rustle up some twins to play along with you. Doesn’t your former neighbor’s dentist’s cousin have a set? I’m sure you feel compelled to mention that every time you see twins.




About the Broad

A humorous look at dating in your mid-thirties and the other hilarious things that happen around us on a daily basis.

July 2014
M T W T F S S
« Jun    
 123456
78910111213
14151617181920
21222324252627
28293031  

What you missed

Follow me on Twitter

Stats


Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 802 other followers

%d bloggers like this: