I’ll be the first to admit it, I love the NFL. Sadly, the NFL doesn’t love me back. Do you want to know why? I’m pretty sure the fact that I have a vagina is the crux of the problem. The relationship first started to deteriorate last year when Roger Goodell announced the purse ban, which clearly wasn’t directed at the penis having contingency of the fan base. Feel free to bring a sandwich bag exposing any potential contraband, as if you’re starring in an episode of “Orange is the New Black”, but don’t you dare bring a purse. The message was pretty clear, in my opinion… My adorable $40 NFL endorsed jersey handbag I’d just purchased the previous season was no longer welcome and neither was I. Obviously, I should be hanging out at Target on Sundays shopping the circular sales anyways. My mistake, NFL.
Just the other day as I was deciding whether my game day purse should be the “yellow and blue make green” zipper variety or the Target brand (maybe they’ll be in the ad this Sunday), I read online that my pal Roger had handed down the penalty for Ray Rice of the Baltimore Ravens domestic violence infraction that occurred in February in Atlantic City. I’ve included a link to the video of this upstanding citizen dragging his then fiancee’s lifeless body out of a casino elevator. Was she dead? it was hard to tell from the footage… she wasn’t moving, that’s for sure. He was kind enough to move her legs out of the way. We all know what a bitch it can be when someone’s waiting on an elevator and it never comes because an unconscious woman’s pesky legs keep setting off the sensors every time the door attempts to close. What a thoughtful man! Always thinking of others, that Ray Rice! There appeared to be one glaring exception to his graciousness as he stepped over his woman and engaged in casual conversation with his buddy. Does someone want to possibly check for a pulse? Maybe use an elevator mirror to see if there’s any evidence of breathing? No? This is clearly true love!
Rice admitted to knocking her out and as a first time offender was able to secure a pretty sweet deal which would eliminate time in the slammer. He’s very sorry. Well, he’s sorry that TMZ obtained footage of the callousness of the whole episode, at least. After carefully reviewing the NFL’s code of conduct and seriousness of the offense, Goodell lowered the hammer. Evander Rice was given a TWO game suspension. Ok… makes sense, right? Felonious assault against a woman can hardly be considered a big deal, can it? I mean, we need to be focusing on the super duper serious offenses like smoking a few joints. We can’t overlook that! Someone might get high, eat way too many Cheetos and binge watch old Beavis and Butthead episodes. That would be a black eye for the NFL, without question. Josh Gordon of the Cleveland Browns puffed his way into a one year suspension for violation of the league’s substance abuse policy. Granted, he tested positive more than one time, but can we really be sure that he remembers the first conversation? My mom says marijuana kills brain cells. If we’re giving benefit of the doubt, let’s at least be consistent. Let’s recap: Ray Rice goes all MMA on a woman and loses two games. Josh Gordon is a pot head and he’ll miss 16 games. By my calculations, Rice can get away with punching his wife in the face (oh yeah, they’ve since married. Does anyone know where they’re registered? I hope it’s Target!) seven more times to earn the penalty given to Gordon. In summation, Roger Goodell and the NFL don’t really like you or consider you worthwhile, all women everywhere. In fact, perhaps they’ll just start punching us all in the face at the turnstiles this season for kicks. Hopefully, that knocks women senseless enough to purchase a few pink glitter jerseys at your friendly stadium teamshop. They don’t want you there, but they’ll gladly take your money.
To say that there has been some backlash would be an understatement. Stephen A Smith from ESPN found himself in quite the pickle when he stated that women should be careful not to provoke an attack. The implication was that the victim in this case could have done something to prevent the domestic violence incident. After several failed attempts at an apology, ESPN suspended him for the insensitive comments. How about that? All he did was have a stupid opinion about domestic violence. As far as we know, he never laid a hand on anyone. As part of the ripple effect, ‘The View’ co-host Whoopi Goldberg weighed in with a woman’s perspective. Yeah… I didn’t realize she was a woman either. I just found out earlier today. She stated, “If you hit a man, don’t be surprised if he hits you back”, to the shock of her co-hosts. Once again, we have a blame the victim mentality. It’s difficult for me to take anything she says seriously. I remember ‘Corrina Corrina’, If the network is smart, they’ll fine her, encourage her to donate to a charity benefitting victims of domestic violence, or perhaps force her to star in ‘Corrina Corrina 2′ as punishment. At some point, someone needs to protect the victims and understand how helpless their situations must be for them to tolerate someone using them as a punching bag. For the new Mrs., Rice’s sake, I hope it’s the last time, but statistics tend to show otherwise.
As for Rice, the Ravens faithful gave him a standing ovation at training camp! How awesome! Was “Eye of the Tiger” playing over the public address system at the time? What a great way to acknowledge abhorrent behavior. I’m so glad that hero worship supersedes ability to recognize someone’s criminal nature. Keep on cheering for this thug, wearing his jersey and teaching your children to idolize a horrific human being. How could that go wrong?
If you know a woman in need of help…