Generally speaking a ‘tool’ is a guy who is easily used and typically an unwanted presence. It usually involves trying WAY too hard to be accepted…a poser, if you will. A tool is the guy in the room who constantly says or does things that cause the ‘WTF is wrong with you?’ look in his direction repeatedly. A quick example would be the douche pellet that always wears ‘Affliction’ tees with the misconception that horny stripper chicks will get naked and start making out with each other in front of him simply because it worked for Bret Michaels on ‘Rock of Love’. He might be a movie quoter, an air-guitarist or just someone who yells, “That’s what she said” any chance he gets. More times than not, it’s said out of context and really makes no sense to anyone else. Example as follows… Random Chick talking to her friend, while trying feverishly to avoid the tool: “Do you want to get a pedicure with me tomorrow?” Tool: “That’s what she said!” There may have even been some sort of thumbs up action or a high five immediately following this nonsense. The tool might be a one-upper. Anything you can do, he’s surely done better, faster or more times than you. If you had shit for dinner, damn straight he went back for seconds. Nobody wants the tool around, but nobody has a set of nuts big enough to tell him to get lost. The primary reason for this is most likely the fact that the tool brings something to the table. He’s the guy that will lend you $100 to place your bet, be your designated driver every weekend, or quite possibly even donate a kidney. That scar would probably provide him with some street cred. The tool is also a great wingman. A guy like that can only make you look better, right? Here’s a piece of useful advice. If there’s not a clear cut tool in your group, I’m sorry to break the news…it’s you.
Now that we’ve established a basic definition of the term, let’s dig deeper, Shall we? I’m not very big on casting the net that wide. There are some sub categories in the world of tooldom. On the tool hierarchy, there’s always the guy who confuses everyone. Is he a tool or isn’t he? He certainly has some tool-like tendencies. He’ll wear a Rams jersey with absolutely no connection to the team or the city of St Louis, and when asked, he’s really not even sure why he’s wearing it. This is your ‘Allen Wrench’ of tools. There’s a fine line between him and a real tool, but he’ll come in handy if you require some hexagonal socket action. He’s easy to use, but only in very rare situations. Most of the time, he defers to the higher level tools and manages to fit into society quite nicely. Your next tier is your hammers and screwdrivers. These are your every day tools, and let’s face it…we’d be lost without them. So what if they worship Nickelback? They’re trustworthy, and pretty much any idiot can figure out how to use one. This guy buys you drinks, but isn’t confident enough to take advantage of the impending inebriation. Next, we have our ‘Chainsaw’, the king of all power tools. He’s pompous and arrogant, but nobody can figure out why. He’s the camaro driving, wife beater wearing, dry humping fool your father would murder just for looking at you. He shares the same IQ as the draft beer he’s chugging. He’ll probably bust out the crowd-pleasing ‘tune in Tokyo’ routine at some point during his evening. He works at a gas station or a junkyard and sleeps next to the dryer in his mother’s basement. You must watch out for the Chainsaw! If used incorrectly, it may result in loss of appendages or even limbs. He’ll buy your drinks, but next thing you know your severed head is nestled between the Lean Cuisine and the Häagen-Dazs in mom’s freezer.
A collection of tools can be referred to as the Toolbox. We’re usually dealing with hammer and screwdriver level tools who hang together. They’re the idiots wearing Anderson Varejao wigs after the Cleveland Cavaliers game at the bars. They’re loud and drunk. At least one of them has already vomited on his LeBron James jersey. If they happen to be roommates, the residential establishment would be the Tool shed. The Shed has cinder blocks to elevate the box spring mattresses off the floor and old piss stained sheets as curtains. The only food in the cupboards consists of beefaroni and Ramen noodles. They always talk about taking the ‘bitches’ home, but in reality the only naked girls they ever see are via ‘You Porn’ videos. To be fair, some of my best friends are tools. I’m not sure what I’d do without them. Next time you’re out painting the town, take a good look around. There’s apt to be at least a handful of examples around you. If wallet chain guy wants to buy you a drink, be considerate and let him. Tools need to serve their purpose.
A few years ago, the must-have toy item of the Christmas season happened to be the Darth Vader voice changer mask. Admittedly, it was pretty cool, although nearly impossible to find in local stores. It had this voice box attachment like a tracheotomy recipient might have. It produced a horror movie soundtrack type effect when you spoke into it. If you flipped a switch, the result was a heavy breathing sound that can be best described as part fat guy on a treadmill, part asthmatic teen, with a dash of post coital exasperation for good measure. At the time, I was in management for Target, so I had the inside track on obtaining one without having to deal with the crowds and other bullshit that goes along with the holiday shopping season. That was the only occasion where my employment at Target served any purpose to the masses. 90% of the time, people would feign interest in my career. “Oh, you work at Target? Any good deals on crock pots?” Let’s face it…no one cared. I took my mission very seriously. My nephew wanted that ridiculous mask and was damn sure going to get it. It was very important for me to be the ‘cool aunt’, and this was certainly going to give me the advantage over all the clothes-givers. I couldn’t wait to get it home and wrap it.
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