The Broad's Side

Here’s the deal… I actually know someone personally who accidentally had a baby. I’m not talking about accidentally getting pregnant. Nope. This broad gave birth to a full-term infant without having a clue she was preggers. How is this possible, you ask? Hell if I know. I was approximately six minutes pregnant, and I had already figured it out. I’ve had a difficult time wrapping my brain around the concept of having a human chilling in your womb for nine months without realizing this tenant is there.

My daughter kicked the shit out of internal organs that I’m fairly confident are important. Getting karate kicked repeatedly in the small intestine is a lot different than the feeling one gets after too many chalupas from Taco Bell. I’ve never seen what appears to be a foot or an elbow jutting out of my abdomen after a trip to Hometown Buffet. I was as complete Pregnasaurus, wreaking havoc any chance I got. It’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard to be oblivious to someone living in your body.

The story goes a little something like this: Prego is home alone one night when her stomach starts to feel a little off. Evidently, she feels like there’s a turd of majestic proportions brewing. I don’t know what kind of digestive system you need to have when labor pain simulates your typical Sunday night poop patterns. Who knows? Maybe it’s normal for a small hand to protrude out of her treasure trove during doo-doo time. This chick obviously gets down on all fours, naked on her living room floor and yanks a child out of her cave. She calls 911 and walks around naked, carrying the baby with the umbilical cord still attached until help arrives. When I heard this, I couldn’t help visualizing a Grace Jones type of scene, where she roars and screams “afterbirth” while stomping around like a crazed monster-woman type of creature.

Prego is a Facebook friend of mine, so imagine my shock when her posts took such a dramatic turn. One minute she was discussing Halloween costume options and the next she’s talking about her son. WTF? She works at a daycare center, so I briefly wondered to myself if she’d just decided to snatch a kid one day. The baby ended up being the guest of honor at his own shower. So much for any of those dreadful games where you guess the date and time of the birth, etc. I’ll admit that I briefly took her out of my Facebook contacts because reading about all of this made me fear that I’d suddenly turn stupid just for being a part of it at all. I don’t know if ‘dumb’ is contagious, but I’m not willing to take any chances. Maybe that’s not fair, but there’s no way you can convince me that any normal woman could go through an entire pregnancy without a hint or two that something’s amiss. Nobody’s boobs grow three sizes for no good reason.