The Broad's Side

There’s not much that annoys me more than when someone ignores me. Part of it is clearly because I’m an attention whore, but I also think it’s one of the rudest things you can do to someone. My passionate feelings on this matter led me into some discussions with girlfriends. Guess what? It turns out that ALL women absolutely hate this phenomenon! Before you doubt me, keep in mind that I asked at least six women in this highly scientific study I conducted largely over text message. Oh… and my friends are kind of bitchy. Let the record state that every one of them responded to the aforementioned text survey promptly. Several of them flew into a blind rage at the mere mention of the issue at hand.

At the risk of sounding snobby, I can’t begin to imagine why someone wouldn’t respond to me. First off, I’m hilarious behind the wheel of my blackberry. My texts are well crafted and highly entertaining. If you think otherwise, you can suck it. You can understand my bewilderment that I dated a guy recently who wouldn’t respond (sometimes for days) after I sent a message. His name is Carl, but his parents spelled it with a K for some reason. No, he’s not a Kardashian. I asked.

When my texts hung out in space with no acknowledgement, I had absolutely no idea it was because he didn’t want to talk to me! My first instinct was to blame Verizon. It was fairly obvious to me that his phone had broken and/or the network was down. After a follow up text, it started to cross my mind that this was an intentional lack of response, so I went into MF mode at the flip of a switch. After I called a girlfriend and unjustifiably referred to his penis as a thumb and criticized his skills in the sack, I started to feel a little guilty. What if something horrible happened and I’m calling him an A-hole and mocking his manhood as he desperately clings to life? Oh my God… what if he’s on his death bed and all he really wants is one last conversation with me, but he doesn’t remember my name or phone number? Hey, it’s not a far jump from the cell phone signal being lost to the vision of a disfiguring car accident resulting in traumatic brain injury with a healthy dose of amnesia.

Just as I began picking out my funeral attire so I could cement my position as the sexy girlfriend at his inevitable calling hours, I finally received a response from him. The message? “Hey. What’s up?” Well, if that didn’t just send me into a fit of fury. That’s all you’ve got? What’s up? You’ve got to be kidding me! Why aren’t you dead? I’m willing to recognize the fact that it’s slightly appalling to harbor resentment because someone did not, in fact, meet his untimely demise. With that being said, it’s preferable to the knowledge that he’s just a horrible person. He had his chance to kick the bucket in a positive light, without the unfortunate reputation of an ignorer. Now I have to acknowledge, yet again, my disastrous taste in men.

The message here is simple; if you’re a man, you need to realize that ignoring a woman is a terrible decision. We will run the gamut of emotions and try to get inside your head. We don’t have the capacity to shut that down. We don’t think it’s possible that you’re busy or that your brains are smaller so you forget things. We think you hate us if you don’t respond. Or you have met a tragic fate. Please quit it! I, for one, would rather be called every name in the book or be punched in the ovaries than be ignored.

For the women; don’t tolerate ignore mode. If someone doesn’t give you the attention you deserve or laugh at your text message masterpieces, he’s an unworthy turd of a man. Don’t let some jackass string you along like that. There’s plenty of guys out there who are really good at basic communication, and spell their names right.