Facebook has revamped once again. If you click onto a person’s profile, you are now given the option to rate them on how much they suck, essentially. The only thing that’s missing is an “I don’t even know who the hell you are or why I’m friends with you” category. They’re promoting it in a very positive light, trying to capitalize on the fact that you can stipulate which friends you’d like to hear from more frequently. The reality is… If you’re actually a top tier friend, you likely have a relationship outside of some shitty website. Currently, you can list people as family, close friends, acquaintances or co-workers, etc. In my opinion, they should break it down even further. I have some ideas for Facebook when they’re ready to do their next upgrade. We should be able to filter people by what type of Facebook poster they are.
The re-poster: This idiot has to copy and paste every single ‘post if you agree’ message. You know… the ones that always say something to the effect of “97.2 % of people won’t re-post this.” What? Seriously? You’re telling me that I have the opportunity to be in the top 2.8% of something? Well, how the hell could anyone pass that up? I want to be a part of your completely unscientific, inaccurate, made-up statistics. I realize that I’m completely unaffected by Diabetes at this point in my life, but I certainly don’t want people thinking I’m a fan of the disease. That’s all I need; “I heard that Jen girl thinks Diabetes is awesome and hates Wilfred Brimley.” Nobody wants to walk around with that target on their back. I took a stand on 9/11 and refused to post any contrived message of solidarity. It’s not because I’m a closet Jihadist or that I love 9/11. I just don’t understand how plagiarizing someone else’s thoughts makes anyone look like they care. Stop being mindless drones, for the love of God.
The inspirational re-poster: This person posts every piece of scripture, quote from a political speech or blurb from a Precious Moments calendar they can get their hands on. Sometimes you’ll get a dozen in a row from the same person, like they’re running a train on inspiration. Not one person is proclaiming Linda in Human Resources as the hero of the day for putting her favorite Maya Angelou quotation on Facebook.
The You-Tube song clip poster: This person posts every song they’ve ever liked in their entire dreary life. I get it… You love Billy Ocean. However, I do not. Stop acting like Facebook hired you as their DJ. If I wanted to hear “Don’t Worry Be Happy” every god-damned morning, I’d own the CD. Invest in an I-Pod immediately because we all hate you. There’s always some weird quote such as, “Oh! I remember this one!” Are we all supposed to congratulate you for remembering some crappy Bananarama song from your junior year in high school? Awesome… you lost your virginity in the back of your dad’s Plymouth while ‘Venus’ blared on the cassette player. I only hope that memory triggers the break-up one from an hour later. I’ll bet that calls for another song!
The self-portrait mirror hussy: This attention whore is constantly posting pictures of herself taken in a mirror or with her I-Phone at arm’s length. She almost always has her head slightly tilted with a pouty come hither look or other horrible attempt at a do-me face. There’s never anyone else in her photos because her ego won’t allow another human to fit in the frame. My guess is that most people think she’s an asshole. She clearly finds herself irresistible and ridiculously attractive. We get it, mirror hussy. You love yourself. Please stop subjecting the rest of us to your make-shift photo shoots. It’s weird and really creepy.
The ‘What I had for dinner ‘poster: Last but not least, this person quite frankly adds no value to anything social. They feel the need to tell you what they had for dinner EVERY DAY. It’s really quite simple. That’s all they bring to the table. Pardon the pun. They need to bore the masses with the fact that they eat. We all do, pal. I might be intrigued if you tried Yak testicles or something exotic and repulsive of that nature. I don’t care if you make a mean turkey chili. Stop taking pictures of your ham sandwiches. They’re almost as asinine as mirror hussy’s head shots.
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