The Broad's Side

Dear Verizon Gods,

I am writing in regards to my Samsung Gem cell phone I received when I renewed my Verizon contract for the next two years. I needed a new phone to replace my Blackberry Tour, which I absolutely loved. That device fell victim to an unfortunate set of circumstances, as it ended up in an old man’s Diet Pepsi at a Browns game. I will take accountability for the demise of the Blackberry, but in my defense, have you seen the Browns play this year? They’re horrible!

I’ve compiled a list of issues with the new phone along with reasons Verizon should replace it with a less crappy one. I visited one of your locations and was offered a replacement Gem. This is not a satisfactory solution, since it would amount to a feeble attempt at polishing a turd.

• At least a dozen times a day, I get an error message stating that the SD card has been unexpectedly removed. I, for one, prefer to expect my SD card removal. I’m in no mood for surprises when it comes to the sensitive nature of the SD card.

• If I’m searching online for a soufflé recipe, getting my celebrity gossip, or perusing all of the pornography the internet has to offer and a phone call comes in… CRASH. This device does not have the ability to do two things at once. My Allstate rep has ruined my day more than once with an ill- timed phone call.

• In the event that I should meander down a dimly lit rape alley, I’m not confident in the phone’s ability to pull off a simple 911 call. I’d have no alternative but to throw the phone at the attacker as a method of self-defense. Ironically, the phone’s only positive selling point is its lightweight, sleek design. It likely wouldn’t even make a rapist flinch. It would be like throwing a breath mint at him.

• When it shuts itself down, start up time is roughly nine minutes. In that amount of time, I could get an oil change, shave my legs or ruin a relationship. It’s unacceptable.

• Sometimes, it powers itself into ‘airplane mode’. I haven’t set foot on a plane in years, and likely won’t until Southwest reinstates free drink tickets. It appears that airplane mode is essentially a phone coma. You’re tricked into believing that it’s functioning, but in reality it’s completely useless.

• It’s a crapshoot on whether or not the person on the other end receives a text message or not. There have been a few occasions where this has been a useful tool and saved me some apologies in the morning, but overall I would consider it to be a liability and potential self-esteem crusher. Why won’t he text me baaaaackk?

• Mid-text, the phone loves to disable the function that allows you to see what you’re saying. Spellcheck still works its magic though. It’s always awesome when you’re trying to type a flirty ‘haha’ in response to a funny comment, but it comes out ‘Haitians’. Not exactly the same message, I’m sure you’ll agree.

• The camera doesn’t have a flash. Well… there goes all of my duckface, drunken photo ops with the girls on a Saturday night.

• The battery gets so hot, that it is actually uncomfortable to hold in my delicate hand at times. It might ruin my street cred if I start carrying around an oven mitt to take calls.

• Social media sites are barely usable. How will everyone get by without knowing about my check-in at McDonald’s or one of my witty “Is it Friday yet?” tweets I drop?

• Last, but not least… the name. Gem? Seriously? I’ve never once used that word without it dripping in delicious sarcasm. Example: “Bill beat his wife with a tennis racket? What a gem that guy is!”

Please see the attached link for similar reviews on this particular device. It’s worthless and should be recalled as it’s clearly defective. I hope that you can find a suitable solution to my problem. If not, I’m contemplating getting some string and a couple of soup cans. I’d likely fare better.

http://reviews.us.samsung.com/7463/SCH-I100ZKAXAR/samsung-samsung-gem-touchscreen-cell-phone-reviews/reviews.htm