26
Jun
13

NFL ‘no-purse’ rule. I’m here to help!

This is what the NFL envisions as my game day 'purse'.

This is what the NFL envisions as my game day ‘purse’.

Dear Commissioner Goodell or any other relevant God of the NFL,

I am writing in regards to the ‘no purse’ policy the NFL has instated for the 2013 season. At the risk of sounding like a whiny bitch, I feel like there might be a no penis penalty at play here. I doubt that anyone realistically believes that the public will be at risk from my mocha shimmer lip gloss or a couple of Tampax. Hardly contraband, wouldn’t you agree?

This is what it would actually look like.

This is what it would actually look like.

I understand that a large cross section of the penis-having community is probably completely on board with this new policy. Hell, who doesn’t want to get through the turnstiles and to their $9.00 domestic draft beer quicker? I know I do. However, I’ve been through the purse check line where someone sticks some weird baton thing inside my purse and pretends to care about the contents. It took precisely three seconds. If I had to guess, I’d say that the ticket taking contingency of the staff NFL- wide probably isn’t adept at bomb detection. If you paid me minimum wage to work eight games a year, I probably wouldn’t give a shit either. My point is this… If I was crafty enough to conjure up some kind of tampon bomb that exploded when you pulled the string, would Oscar the ticket guy have a critical influence and deny me entry? My money is on no. As of today, 28 NFL players have been arrested since the Superbowl. Check that… someone was just arrested AS I WAS WRITING THIS. I wish I was kidding. Understandably, your primary focus is on me (and my girlfriends). Those Mid-west soccer moms are a tricky bunch, so I completely get why you’d treat them like sleeper cells.

Tampon concealing earrings!

Tampon concealing earrings!

The NFL’s suggestion that women carry one gallon plastic sandwich bags in lieu of a purse is kind of asinine. As much as I’d like to walk around like a convict who can’t be trusted with basic toiletries, I’m probably not going to sign up for that. Being a Browns fan is painful enough without you reminding me that the season is comparable to a 16 week prison sentence. As for the stipulation that we can bring a ‘hand sized’ clutch… Huh? Whose hand are we using as the guideline? Much to the relief of most of my ex-boyfriends, mine are rather small. What’s that you say? You’ll sell me a crappy little see through ‘clutch’ with the logo of my favorite NFL team on it? I’m so surprised that you’ve used this as a merchandising opportunity! Nobody saw that coming.

Tampon necklace... when you need that extra security.

Tampon necklace… when you need that extra security.

Fortunately, I’m a pretty resourceful gal and I’ve come up with some prototypes of my new jewelry/tampon holder line, which are pictured here for your enjoyment. If I have to wear a necklace fashioned out of tampons, then so be it. We’ve all established that I’m a Browns fan, so my pride was dead and buried years ago. Our best player was a kicker who left for greener pastures, (Yes… I said KICKER!) Our new owner is embroiled in a scandal that may or may not have something to do with the price of Slim Jims and Lucky Strikes at thruway rest stops, and I’m not sure anyone knows who our quarterback is. Don’t you think bringing my purse to the game should be the least of my problems? Why rub salt in my wounds? When all is said and done, I’ll still be there come September… Just like every other horrible season. I’ll draft a fantasy team like my lover on the side to ease the pain of my reality team’s miserable failures. I’ll say unfathomable things about people I don’t know simply because they’re wearing Steelers gear. And, my heart will still be in the right place (with my team) even though my purse is in the car.

Tampon Keychain. Don't drink and drive.

Tampon Keychain. Don’t drink and drive.

Coming soon… NFL maxi shoulder pad line available in all 32 teams.

About these ads

244 Responses to “NFL ‘no-purse’ rule. I’m here to help!”


  1. 1 Wendy
    June 26, 2013 at 9:30 pm

    Oh. my. word. You have elevated sarcasm to an art form. LOVE THIS! Thank you for the best laugh I’ve had all week…

    • 2 Joy
      August 8, 2013 at 4:35 am

      Awesome!!!!! That’s all I can say, awesome!!!!!!!

    • 3 Trisha Simon
      August 15, 2013 at 9:09 pm

      Amazing sense of humor! Love this post!

      • 4 Chris H
        August 16, 2013 at 10:21 am

        Funny stuff – well done! I know I’m a guy, but have been married long enough that buying feminine hygiene products for my wife doesn’t even phase me and hasn’t for some time. But, there could be a bright side to this. If some drunken slug that thinks his drinking overpriced beer suddenly turns him into Fabio’s better looking brother were to see hygiene products in a clear “purse”, they may move on to the next unfortunate victim of their sleazy come-ons. Might be a good way to avoid being hit on!! =)

    • 5 Diane
      August 21, 2013 at 10:49 am

      I too have issues with this new rule, even though I’m a Steelers fan and you would be saying bad things about me. I, on the other hand, think you are one of the most articulate Browns fan that I have seen. Having just gone to one of the preseason games at Fed-Ex field, I was accosted by numerous security staff and police along the way into the stadium telling me that I could not take my purse into the stadium (the purse was 4inches by 6 inches and not see through). As I was entering the stadium and being wanded for unwanted contraband, I was told I could not take the purse in. I requested an NFL representative come to my rescue. The representative told me no, until I (probably somewhat loudly and a bit drunkenly) explained that the NFL website tells me that I can bring a bag in that is the size of my hand and this one is. They cannot continue to change the rules at game time! Guess what, I was let in and so was my bag!

      With 50% of the fan base being female (or penis deprived) humans, we need to band together to get this incredibly sexist attitude of the commissioner changed. Buying NFL gear will be impossible, since my purse is in the car, as will buying drinks or food while at the game. I guess we will need to buy any gear outside the stadium and those monies will not go to the NFL. Remember that the NFL is ALL ABOUT MONEY and women usually hold the ‘purse’ strings in most households. I also need to remind you all that women’s clothing is not made to carry stuff in our pockets. I prefer to wear things that are somewhat fashionable and my pockets will not hold much, let alone money, identification, and feminine products. I also refuse to show how much money I have by putting it into a see through bag. What about the keys to the car, my sun glasses, my husband’s sunglasses? Where are we supposed to put this wonderful zip bag when we use the restroom? On the floor or on the back of the toilet? UGH!!!

      It’s hard to believe this man actually has a mother, a step mother, a mother in law, a wife, and 2 daughters!!! How can you have that many women in your life and not understand the issue here?

      That in mind, we need to inundate the commissioner with emails (officeofcommissioner@nfl.com) and let him know that we are banding together to change this obnoxious rule. I have sent my email and have supplied the link for this blog to him. I suggest all women who are fans, or not, of the sport do the same.

      • 6 Bengals Fan
        August 23, 2013 at 4:22 pm

        Wow! An articulate Browns fan AND Steelers fan! Maybe if I look out the window I might catch site of a Unicorn. Three mythical creatures in one day! btw. Enjoyed the article.

  2. June 26, 2013 at 9:38 pm

    Ha! love your humor, girl… I don’t disagree with your sentiments…but at least there are ways to cope w/the new rules WITHOUT needing to display your personal items in the clear baggie option……. ;) Stop on by…and help yourself xoxo http://www.portapocket.com
    btw…I actually designed & patented this after dropping a spare tampon on gym floor and getting mad…but it’s really for WAY more than just fem hygiene…!

  3. 10 April
    July 30, 2013 at 9:42 pm

    I think they need to put a booth in that sells personal products next to the beer booth.. Guy goes one way and the girl go the other way. Simple and money making!

  4. July 31, 2013 at 5:41 pm

    Hahaha! A friend linked your blog, I saw the KeyBank card and figured you were in CLE!

    signed, former Clevelander :)

  5. 18 Andrea
    July 31, 2013 at 10:59 pm

    Love this!! – if we can’t take purses – where will I put my hubby’s car keys, wallet and cell phone so he is not weighed down in the stadium!?! maybe I can convince him to carry a clutch too!

    • 19 Pixie508
      August 2, 2013 at 10:20 pm

      Amen!! My husband wants me to carry a purse so that I can carry his crap too! Haven’t we as browns fans suffered enough?

    • 20 B Kornuc
      August 2, 2013 at 10:31 pm

      No, have him carry a clear bag too! He needs to haul his own stuff! Don’t do his dirty work!

    • 21 takehimto a. soccergame
      August 11, 2013 at 9:05 pm

      what a wimp

    • 22 maryann
      August 15, 2013 at 3:53 pm

      Amen, the men will suffer because of this ridiculous rule, for that I am happy. This rule doesn’t consider a fan’s needs, I have to have extra glasses and that case alone will not fit in a clutch. Maybe this is a plan for us to buy oversize clothing so we can put our items in the sizeable pockets. I have no extra money for any luxuries after I pay thousands for my season tickets. Couldn’t you at least give us a clear bag to use instead of selling them! Crap and poor excuse for expediting entrance to the stadium.

      • 23 Frances
        August 15, 2013 at 11:27 pm

        San Diego fan feels your pain. As a season ticket holder we were given the official NFL clear bag (two seats = two bags)! Also, on first preseason game they were passing out ziploc bags (felt just like at the airport after 9/11). eerie.

    • 25 Jacquie H
      August 17, 2013 at 11:26 am

      I was going to say… if the women are not carrying their purses, where are their men going to carry their crap? Do the NFL officials NEVER give their stuff to their wives to carry? I know I see my dad and my best guy friend do it on a regular basis: “here, honey, carry the keys. Oh, and my wallet! Can you carry the tickets? And the water bottle. Can you hand me my phone? I put it in your purse.”

  6. 26 danielle
    August 1, 2013 at 9:17 am

    You go girl!! Youre frikin awesome and as a LIons fan i so feel your pain…

  7. 27 Elizabeth
    August 1, 2013 at 11:12 am

    A headband made of panty liners would wonderful or a winter hat made of the largest pads available would come in handy during the colder months.

  8. 28 Amber
    August 1, 2013 at 12:13 pm

    Awesome! Now what you should do is make your “tampon” necklaces for all teams and sell them on etsy.

  9. 29 Mike
    August 1, 2013 at 12:48 pm

    Now that was funny right there…. Wonder if they will rethink this one?

    • 30 Pixie508
      August 2, 2013 at 10:21 pm

      Clearly they need to get a few females working in the front office to remind them that they’re morons… seriously. No woman could possibly have been involved in this decision

  10. August 1, 2013 at 1:40 pm

    I don’t know you but I love you. A large portion of the male population are idiots and unfortunately they are the ones in charge of lots of things they shouldn’t be :( Fortuately humor eases the assault from the moron brigade here! Rock on sister!

    • 32 Edgar Corral
      August 14, 2013 at 11:10 pm

      “A large portion of the male population are idiots” :-O yes of course, because we all know women are idiocyproof. Thanks for stating the obvious. :-(

  11. 33 Angela
    August 1, 2013 at 2:59 pm

    So does this also mean that a plethora of purses will be left in cars?! The thieves are going to love that!

    • August 3, 2013 at 8:54 am

      EXACTLY!!! That was my first thought…see how the cities like the increased crime rates during concerts and sporting events. Not like they are going to hire extra security.

    • 35 C. R. Conrad
      August 22, 2013 at 10:24 pm

      Yes, and while we all leave our handbags in the car, the weapons, bombs, etc. come in concealed under some guys oversized team jacket or baggy cargo pants. And just for jollies, after the traumatized children from Sandy Hook entertain at half time, the lights go out in the SuperDome during the Super Bowl. Can you imagine being one of those parents, separated from your child at that moment? Tell me again how big an issue handbags are at football games. How old is the NFL? How many years have women carried handbags to the games? How many safety incidents have resulted from exploding handbags? Guess what, Commissioner, I think I’ll stay home and watch the game on my flat screen and you can start counting the empty seats in your multi-billion dollar stadiums when other taxpaying women do the same.

  12. 37 Jessica
    August 1, 2013 at 4:56 pm

    I would love to see every woman at an NFL game walk in with a tampon necklace. Maybe when the men are uncomfortable enough they’ll stop bitching about the purses!

    • 38 Denise S
      August 15, 2013 at 5:24 pm

      Or we should have our men carry our feminine products for us—in their hands. Lots and lots and lots of Them. Overload that man like a pack mule! That’s when all this nonsense will stop. If the NFL was really concerned with security at stadiums, they would require X-ray scanners for bags like the airports, but oh wait, that would cost $$$ and they surely can’t afford that.

  13. 39 John
    August 1, 2013 at 5:21 pm

    Your right…….your bein a whiny bitch…lmao…put that necessary stuff in your bra with your CELLPHONE that you value more than your tampons…..lol…(j/k)

    • 40 bobbie becker
      August 2, 2013 at 6:11 pm

      so that when all you guys are looking at our boobs you will notice a 4 inch thin tube shape (tampon) on one and a rectangle (phone) on the other. Keys can go right in the middle I guess! Very attractive and also sexy at the same time!

      • 41 Shell
        August 16, 2013 at 12:40 pm

        Plus they assume there is room for something other that boobs in our bra. Some of us could fill several bras. No room for other necessities in there…they might get lost.

    • 42 Shayelo
      August 5, 2013 at 3:35 pm

      As I’ve just watched a report on TV here in Columbus and read up on the possibility of breast cancer sells growing because of leaving your cellphone in your bra, I think I’ll pass.

  14. August 1, 2013 at 5:26 pm

    Solution? Stop going to or paying for NFL or any other professional sports league. I personally find them boring and stupid but if this type of stuff bothers you enough, do something about it. I guarantee you one thing, if everyone stops showing up to these stupid events with wallets open, they’ll think twice about the decisions and/or regulations enacted.

    • 45 Bill Smith
      August 6, 2013 at 2:46 pm

      So because you find something boring and stupid nobody should be able to enjoy it? What a ridiculously pompous and arrogant way of looking at things. I do however agree with your sentiment that if you don’t like it, don’t go. It is 4 hours of your life and if you are offended by having to throw a pack of pads or tampons in a clear plastic bag then these are issues you need to work out. Trust me, we men are not offended by feminine products, some of us have even purchased them. If there are men that can’t handle it then they can stay home too.

      • 46 Kelly
        August 13, 2013 at 4:13 pm

        I don’t care about people being offended about me carrying tampons, I care about my privacy-I don’t feel like announcing to everyone when I’m having my period!

      • 47 Rachael
        August 23, 2013 at 9:30 pm

        Bill, I don’t want my wallet and money on display. If my cycle coincides with game day, I like handling it privately. Women’s clothing doesn’t have big pockets to tuck things like wallets and feminine products away the way that men’s pants and jackets do.
        There are other personal care items that are, well -personal. No one needs to know about a fan who carries Depends or a catheter.

    • 48 deborah roberts
      August 29, 2013 at 7:50 pm

      If the women would just stay home a game or two and it hit their pocketbook, this ridiculous policy would stop. Enough is enough!

  15. 49 Mike
    August 1, 2013 at 5:35 pm

    Incredible. I will buy you a $9 beer for this artistry….

  16. 50 j hurst
    August 1, 2013 at 11:03 pm

    what can’t you live without for 3-3 1/2 hours, give me a break – you don’t need to do your make-up / change your pad that often…..

    • August 2, 2013 at 10:06 pm

      HAVE YOU EVER HAD A PERIOD? Yes – you can be bleeding so heavily that you have to change your maxipad & super plus tampon for a new maxipad & super plus tampon at least once in less than 2 hours.

      • 52 kayley m.
        August 16, 2013 at 12:56 pm

        i’m a certified nurse midwife- i make my living dealing with women’s reproductive health issues, including periods. generally speaking, if you’re soaking through 1 extra absorbent product in 2 hours or less consistently, not to mention soaking a pad AND tampon- you have extremely heavy bleeding and should be examined. the average woman in a 5 day period should only be soaking through about 7 super absorbency products. (though most will use more simply due to changing them before they’re completely soaked, switching products, etc) – point being that’s an output of about 35ml over the total period. if you’re soaking a pad/tampon every 2 hours over the course of your period your output is more like 60-85ml or more and is something to have checked out. you can become anemic quite easily with this amount of blood loss, not to mention you could have fibroids, endometriosis or hormone imbalance.
        i’m not trying to be a troll or anything here, but am simply saying that most women should be fine with what they can carry in their pockets when it comes to sanitary products. that said, it’s a very shity policy! if i want to carry in a whole damn box of tampon in my purse i should be able to!
        also, i’m disabled and have to at different time either self cath myself or use a Depends type product, neither of which is very easy to conceal and it really does seem like it’s a deliberate violation of my privacy and dignity to say i must carry these things with me out in the open.
        i’m fine carrying tampons out in the open but NO ONE needs to know i’m 32 and wearing a god forsaken diaper or see my catheter, collection bag and bottle of KY jelly lube! ugh!
        afterthought: they DO make fashion printed plastic bags that are slightly see thru to allow for the regulations but are patterned enough to be mostly discrete! i know you can purchase them off a makeup/lifestyle store site called BirchBox!

    • 53 Shayelo
      August 5, 2013 at 3:36 pm

      You must be a man. Any woman knows you do need to change your pad that often. Not only that, but what if you need to carry an inhaler, epi pen, etc. with you? Plus, if you’re with a man, you have to carry his crap too.

    • 54 Cheri
      August 10, 2013 at 3:31 am

      And you have forgotten about some of the middle aged or older diehard lady fans of football who would never in their wildest dreams have imagined that they would have had to expose secrets of neurogenic bladders and having to carry depends or 2 or 3 of the biggest overnight maxi pads one can find. along with inhalers and such. And we have had season tickets supporting our city’s football franchise since it began. Not to mention the clear plastic bags are not available until after Sept 17. very frustrating.

    • 55 Kelly
      August 13, 2013 at 4:14 pm

      you are obviously an idiot without a woman in your life. Sometimes periods are so heavy that things need to be changed within the hour.

  17. 56 Don Rogers
    August 2, 2013 at 1:27 am

    You had me until you said “Browns fan”

  18. August 2, 2013 at 1:40 pm

    Love the blog. Hysterical!

  19. 59 Maggie
    August 2, 2013 at 1:57 pm

    Clearly J Hurst has never been to a Browns game. You need chapstick because it’s so frickin cold up there in NEO winter, tissues to cry when you get stomped yet again, your wallet (which in itself is the size of a “hand-sized clutch”), and somewhere to put the many layers of clothing that you may need to put on or take off based on the insane weather. Someone knows nothing about Ohio!

  20. 62 fft5305
    August 2, 2013 at 3:07 pm

    Love it! I think if I weren’t already married, I’d probably propose right now. The only thing the NFL will accomplish with this idiot policy is to decrease the female presence on game day…

  21. August 2, 2013 at 3:50 pm

    I’m not normally a blog reader but after this, I’m making an exception and following you. I love the sarcasm, the thought put behind it and the excellent grammar. Usually in rants etc, the grammar is questionable which detracts from the point of the story for me. It would so awesome if you actually got a response from the NFL for this!

  22. 67 Taylor Payne
    August 2, 2013 at 4:27 pm

    I will add that men also benefit from women’s purses as they always seem to put their keys, cell phones, etc. in their significant others bags.

  23. 69 Liz
    August 2, 2013 at 5:02 pm

    LOL! Love the blog even tho’ I am a Steelers fan:)

  24. August 2, 2013 at 6:04 pm

    Ladies, I have an additional suggestion here. If your man thinks this is a good rule, then make him in charge of carrying all of your items. I assure you one time thru the line with your tampon in his pocket when he goes up to pay for beer will get him writing letters to get this assine rule revoked.

    and yes J Hurst…going three hours without a change of pad could be disastrous and leaving it at that.

    • 78 Edgar Corral
      August 14, 2013 at 9:15 pm

      I honestly think you don’t need a man to carry your items or to fight for what you think is right, although I share the spirit behind your suggestions ;-)

    • 79 mojo
      August 15, 2013 at 8:34 pm

      J Hurst is stupid for what was said about changing pads. But tell me, other than a phone, tampon, wallet, and keys what else is 100% needed? I’ll accept extra glasses but they make wearable glasses cases. Yes I am a man I never ask my wife to carry my stuff as I never carry more than I need or cam carry. I have my keys, wallet, phone, and sunglasses.90% of the time I need nothing more. So the need for a huge annoying purse is moot.

      • 80 Shell
        August 16, 2013 at 12:25 pm

        Wrong-when you take the family and you have a child with food allergies and asthma you need Ibuprofen, Epi-pen (two are actually recommended/prescribed because one only gives you 15 minutes to get to the hospital…might take that long to get out of a stadium), benedryl, inhalers. Plus keys, cell phone, money, tampons & pads, glasses, sunglasses, chapstick. I also end up holding things for husband and my purse becomes the souvenier holder as well. Not sure how all that would fit in a bag. I’d spend half the game juggling everyone’s stuff and balancing food as people creep back and forth through the narrow aisle to their seats. Guess I could stop buying the kiddos outrageously priced souveniers.

      • 81 Cranky Otter
        August 17, 2013 at 2:46 am

        Note to men: many/most clothes designed for women do not have functional pockets. I actually buy men’s wallets because women’s are mostly bulky and won’t fit in pockets anyway.

        And this restriction is insane. The purse goes everywhere. To spend long minutes rearranging my life (yes) for idiocy like this is time I’ll never get back, and very likely I’ll lose something. I already fly to visit friends and family about 75% less than I would without the insane TSA muggings. Good thing I don’t go to many games. Bad thing is my boycott won’t be meaningful.

  25. 82 Jay
    August 2, 2013 at 10:23 pm

    At the risk of sounding slightly sexist, there probably are still a few females holding onto the guys wallets, keys, etc. in their purse for them. (READ THAT AS THEY ARE THE BANKERS OF THE SPENDING MONEY). If you want people to come carrying as little as they need, they will, & then those wallets & purses(with their money) will remain at home or locked in the vehicle. Does not souund like very good business sense to me.

  26. 83 Lori
    August 2, 2013 at 10:51 pm

    I agree, the men should have to carry these little see-through baggies with tampons and pads for their women. I do believe I read somewhere that women make up a huge percentage of the patrons at these games, so when they stop going to the games because of this stupid rule, maybe then they might fire the idiot who thought up this insane idea!

  27. August 3, 2013 at 1:19 am

    I love this, even though you’ll say mean things about me just because half of my wardrobe is Black and Gold, lol!!

  28. 86 krouse
    August 3, 2013 at 7:46 am

    This rule is ridicoulus. Ill stop carrying my team logo purse… but ill also stop buying them. Ill probably also stop buying the cutsie team clothing because I now need to dress sensible because I cant peel clothing on and off and store it under my seat in a bag. …and while I’m at in since I’m the main shopper in the house I’ll also stop buying for the hubby. Thankd NFL for putting a couple hundred bucks back in my pocket.

  29. August 3, 2013 at 11:11 am

    Condoleezza Rice is begging to be NFL Commissioner…I think it’s time!

  30. August 3, 2013 at 9:13 pm

    Now women can’t bring their purses wherever they want? It’s an NFL Game, for God’s sake! What’s a purse gonna hurt?! That NFL administration telling us what we can and cannot do all the damn time, makes me want to vomit!

  31. August 4, 2013 at 11:43 pm

    I am so loving this post. Freaking hilarious!!!!!!

  32. 90 chrisahickey
    August 5, 2013 at 3:12 pm

    If you have a penis and you dared comment on how wrong this article is, we will forward it along with your ignorant comment to your mom, sister(s), aunt(s), grandmother(s), daughter(s), and wife and/or girlfriend.

    Don’t think we can’t.

  33. 94 Ladyalamo
    August 5, 2013 at 4:07 pm

    Sisters unite!! J Hurst, suck it you are an idiot!! That is all!!

  34. 95 pepp
    August 5, 2013 at 10:52 pm

    Hoping this rule applies to the owners’ boxes too

  35. 96 carol caldwell
    August 5, 2013 at 11:01 pm

    I think all the browns female fans need to make a statement and march on that stadium and let them know you arent buying this . This is just another right being taken away.

  36. 97 paulyforfun
    August 5, 2013 at 11:19 pm

    This was simply awesome and much needed.

    Sincerely,
    One of the penis-having community

  37. August 6, 2013 at 1:54 am

    if you dont think a female needs to change her tampon or pad in less than 3 hours, please come to the restroom with me after 2 1/2 hours and i will gladly give you what i just had to sit threw. By all means, take it, look at it and then tell me that it was a good idea to wait that long. Im a steelers fan, and love this blog. NICE JOB

  38. 99 InsertNameHere
    August 6, 2013 at 7:16 am

    Ok. When this rule came out, I immediately could start to hear the groans from the female NFL fans (mostly from my fiancé). I’m going to say what i told her. Look, one thing to keep in mind, and maybe because I’m a guy I don’t “get it,” but you’re at a football game. You can EASILY fit all of your necessities in the bag. You just have to think outside the box. Get a money clip. They’re small, compact and hold what you’ll need. Money, ID and a debit/credit card. Luckily i already carry one, but they’re only like $20 if your husband/BF doesn’t. If it’s a girls only thing, get one. Car keys? Well you only need one key to get into your car, right? Good. Take it off the chain and only bring that in, and leave the rest in the car. If you’re embarrassed about the visibility of your tampons, all I can say is, don’t be. SPOILER ALERT: Everybody knows women get periods. Chances are relatively high that, unless you’re a season ticket holder, you’ll never see anybody that you’ve encountered at the stadium again. Who cares what they think. Even if it isn’t choco-cravers week, bring a bunch anyway. Obnoxious, belligerent, drunk guys probably won’t hit on you if you do.

    TL;DR: if you can be creative enough to wear your hair 39 different ways, you be creative with this (like the post.)

    • August 8, 2013 at 11:29 am

      Completely agree with you. I am female NFL fan and I have been doing exactly what you suggest. (haven’t needed to ask for a tampon but I would if I absolutely had to). I hate carrying a purse to large events like NFL games.

    • August 16, 2013 at 10:21 am

      Take the car key off the chain and leave your house keys in the car. Brilliant. What could go wrong? Aside from, you know, your car being stolen and the thief having the keys to your house …

    • 102 Shell
      August 16, 2013 at 12:35 pm

      Well guess just single guys and their fiancés go to games. You must not have kids.. or maybe your first wife has custody…or maybe you have kids but spend all your money on yourself and don’t take your kids to the games and you surely aren’t a parent who has to carry their kids meds (or for that matter one of the many adults who need to carry meds) And, no they aren’t so sick they should just stay home but they do have a condition that could be life threatening. Plus I have never been to one professional or college for that matter, sporting event where we don’t stop at the souvenier shop.

    • 103 Laurie
      August 24, 2013 at 10:56 am

      I’ll never see anybody at the game who I’ll ever see again (or who isn’t my fiancé)! Oh, hey, except my dad! And my brothers! Oh yeah I look foward to showing them all I’m on my period! Yay some dude told me I have nothing to be concerned about… boy I am I glad cuz that prevents for shaming me for my biological necessities like they have done to women for centuries. YOU SOLVED IT WOOT!

  39. August 6, 2013 at 9:11 am

    Oh my, I love the sarcasm! Great post. I won’t “Dis” you for being a Browns fan. Someone has to root for them! :) Keep up the good work, From a Die Hard Steelers fan forever!

  40. 105 Brenda Ritz
    August 6, 2013 at 9:59 am

    You rock girl! Just an fyi: i will be making some crazy ugly pants with huge pockets and suspenders to go to my beloved Bronco games. I am taking orders..

  41. August 6, 2013 at 11:03 am

    Great article, although you did take A bit of poetic license and used sandwich bags as your example, rather than gallon size. I know of no tampons that are as tall as a gallon sized bag. You may be interested to know that the Steelers sent their season ticket holders, of which I am one, with 5 seats, the compliant clear totes with team logo, one for each seat owned. They’re about the size of a small, reusable grocery sack. At least I didn’t have to buy them!

    • 107 Cheri
      August 10, 2013 at 3:47 am

      you are lucky if you had had to buy them you would be out of luck. You can buy them but they won’t ship or be available until sometime after Sept 17. grrr re the clear plastic NFL and /or logo team bags both. including on the nil website for their shop they keep advertising.

  42. 108 H leba
    August 6, 2013 at 12:43 pm

    I still haven’t stopped laughing at the “tampon bomb that explodes when you pull the string line”, pure genius! Thanks for the laugh.

  43. 109 5
    August 7, 2013 at 6:21 am

    Today, I went to the beach front with my children. I found a sea shell and gave
    it to my 4 year old daughter and said “You can hear the ocean if you put this to your ear.” She put the shell
    to her ear and screamed. There was a hermit crab inside
    and it pinched her ear. She never wants to
    go back! LoL I know this is entirely off topic but I had to tell someone!

  44. 110 bob
    August 7, 2013 at 9:22 pm

    Funny, shame that people comment without reading the entire post.
    I work in security, and believe me, we do not enjoy searching through purses containing used tissues, all bills received in the last month, and all other debris that is in there.
    Then listening to all of the snide remarks, such as I better check my money when I get my purse back.

  45. 111 Michelle
    August 8, 2013 at 11:22 am

    I am a woman and I have NEVER brought a purse to a Browns or Indians game. It is a pain the butt and not worth it. I put my ID, credit card, money and cell phone in my pocket. If I need a tampon I have short OB ones the size of lipstick case that fit in my front pocket. When I was young this was how I went to the bars and concerts too. The only time I have to really be efficient with my personal belongings is during the nice weather games where I limited to the number of pockets in my jeans or shorts. But we are in Cleveland and this is football so that is only like 3 games. The rest of the season I have layers of clothes and coats with more pockets. Which works perfectly to store the Hand warmers and Foot warmers packs I bring in.

    I really don’t get how women are upset. I guess I should be upset because its now going to take me longer to get through security because I can no longer sidestep the purse people in the security line as they fumble through all of their junk. LEAVE IT AT HOME! Surely you can go 4 hours without all of that stuff, other women do it just fine. If you absolutely cannot go without a purse, the Browns (like the Steelers and every other team) will be sending clear plastic logo bags to season ticket holders to use.

  46. 112 david kiser
    August 8, 2013 at 3:06 pm

    before everyone gets so upset about this why dont you think about why they are doing this. this is for everyones safety, not you to be happy but safe. there are alot of messed up people that would try to get stuff in a game. will this stop it no it wont but it will help security alot. why dont you stop bitching and think about the safety of yourself and everyone. all it will take is for one game to get hit then everyone will be like why didnt anyone do anything about it. you dont have to goto the games but atleast you have a chance to go. i am in the army and stationed in germany and games come on at night so be happy that you have a choice about going.

    • 113 Cheri
      August 10, 2013 at 3:59 am

      Look I appreciate what you are saying and I have lived in Europe as well so I understand security issues and that security over here in the US can sometimes be a bit illusory. But this is all it is illusion. I am going to be put more at health risk with each home game from this policy than I would have been otherwise until I can receive my plastic bag I can use and carry my stuff in sometime towards the end of September and that does irk me. For real bad guys, they can still figure out ways to get through security using food services, supplies, vendor and supply routes, etc so this is really very much an illusion of safety and simply lip service that is not worth the more than inconvenience especially when last year we were already getting our bags and persons searched and patted down to get into the games in the name of safety already.

  47. August 9, 2013 at 2:11 pm

    Adore your proposed line of jewelry! I would put money toward that faster than any overpriced see through NFL clutch. You’ve hit the nail on the head here and should hold your head up high for saying it – even as a Browns fan. Hey let’s face it we can win them all! And I say that with respect. I may be a Pittsburgher, born and bred and a devote Steeler fan, but I give you credit, as I gave up on the Pirates years ago! A true fan is one who hangs in through thick and thin. Let me know when your new jewelry hits the market. How bout a charm bracelet?

  48. 115 SteelerFan
    August 12, 2013 at 4:48 pm

    Love your blog and I totally agree with you this is just CRAZY.. And for you idiots who says “Who needs a purse at a football game” or leave it in the car, think again. I carry a “BAG” into all the game. When the weather is nice it is pretty empty. Typically extra batteries for the radio / Radio / earphones/ Cell phone/ Advil/ Antacids / a few other things — as the weather turns cold/ Rainy more things creep into the bag. Hot hands/rain gear/ extra gloves/Hats and anything else I or my 75 year old Father will need (including HIS Stuff cell phone/Glasses)… I am just PO’d that someone is dictating to me what I can carry into the game. After 9/11 I did purchase bag that fit into the rules they came up with then and I even got one that had a see thru panel to error on the side of caution. But this is nonsense. If anyone thinks that this will make the lines move faster (that didn’t seem to be the case this weekend – and it was only PRE-Season) or deter someone from a terroristic act.. Think again. If someone has a mission it will happen regardless. In the mean time let’s just make life harder for the average fan. Oh and by the way.. Let’s make it so they have to PURCHASE something from the NFL so we can make more money. I will be thankful that MY organization did, give out the bags to all Season Ticket holders, but to tell you the truth.. It isn’t going to last the entire season !! Oh and people are only focusing on the bags right now but WAIT until you try to take in your seat cushion or blanket when the weather turns.

    Oh and people are only focusing on the BAGS right now .. but wait until it gets cold and people are bringing in Blankets /Seat Cushions

  49. August 13, 2013 at 6:07 pm

    This Steelers fan LOVES your wit, my dear, and I share your sentiments. Best of luck to your team this year, and I mean it! :)

  50. 117 Tina
    August 13, 2013 at 10:36 pm

    OMG… this was freakin HILARIOUS!!! You go girl…!!

  51. 118 Stacey
    August 14, 2013 at 5:37 pm

    OMG!!! This was so damn funny! I loved it. I also feel your pain as I am a Bengals fan. Go BENGALS!! =)

  52. August 14, 2013 at 8:24 pm

    This (and every other of your blogs,) I found deliciously funny. Please add me to your email alert list if you have one.

  53. 120 Edgar Corral
    August 14, 2013 at 8:36 pm

    I agree with you, that policy is probably one of the most stupid and annoying rules ever. I do appreciate your sense of humour too, but I just don’t like the way you say some things. The line between been funny and original and offend a lot of people that actually agree with you is very thin some times. “I understand that a large cross section of the penis-having community is probably completely on board with this new policy”. That is actually offensive, very sexist and not funny at all and in case you were being ironic or sarcastic let me tell you that you totally failed.

    • August 14, 2013 at 8:39 pm

      Hmm… Ok. I respectfully stand by my assertion that it is hilarious, but thanks for the comment.

      • 122 Sandi
        August 14, 2013 at 9:24 pm

        I do not think this blog is offensive or sexist (as it is men that have been making these rules–so, if the glove fits…) and I do believe it is incredibly funny! If men had purses or tampons/pads, I would almost guarantee this would not be a rule! All of the stadiums need to offer the female protection–free–and put the team logo on it just for some fun!
        Tell the men they can have one beer or not wear a jersey or ball cap–then let us wait to hear all kinds of complaining–the purse rule is nothing compared to the griping that would cause.
        Edgar, Honey, you need to lighten up and remove the stick! This was written to be informative–and funny–but mostly funny! Go Steelers!

      • 123 Edgar Corral
        August 14, 2013 at 9:46 pm

        “If men had purses or tampons/pads, I would almost guarantee this would not be a rule!” That is a very sexist remark too, at least you used the adverb “almost” in it. Differently to you, I can’t guarantee anything, but I like thinking that maybe if the poeple involved in that decision were more sensitive to women this rule would be probably revoked.
        And btw, there is no need for things like this “Edgar, Honey, you need to lighten up and remove the stick!”.

      • August 15, 2013 at 4:28 pm

        Sandi: check your history… comments like “Edgar, Honey, you need to lighten up ” were sexist when women were fighting for their equality and it’s still sexist now. It was easy for men in the past to say “lighten up” when they made comments about women in the work force or when they said sexist comments that offended women. It was wrong for them and it’s just as wrong now. I respectfully dislike double standards… and I despise sexism.

  54. 125 adrienne
    August 14, 2013 at 10:51 pm

    This was GREAT!!!! Its such a crazy rule.

  55. August 15, 2013 at 8:59 am

    Get past your sexism and see the reasoning behind the rule. P.S I don’t like taking my belt / shoes off at the airport…but there is a reason for that as well.

    • 127 LaDonna
      August 15, 2013 at 3:45 pm

      I have to take my shoes and belt off at the airport as well, but you are not required to empty your pockets at the game!!!

      • August 15, 2013 at 4:18 pm

        nor are you required to empty your pockets, so your argument does not make sense. If I had carried a bag around, it would affect me just as much. I often carry my wives things in my pockets (she’s sensible so we are only talking phone, keys, wallet, cigarettes, tampons when needed) when we go somewhere that purses aren’t safe like casinos. Fits in my pockets along with my phone, keys and wallet. So I think you guys might be having an issue with clothes designers and their inefficient pockets on women’s clothing as well as the idea that you need to carry / touch up your make up so often.

      • 129 MWhit
        August 23, 2013 at 10:46 am

        I don’t know what Stadium you go to, but I have been required to empty my pockets to get into the games for a few years now. Is it not standard NFL procedure to do this and be wanded at the entrance?

  56. 130 Nicole Bartolozzi
    August 15, 2013 at 9:18 am

    I’m not big into football and even I loved this!!!!!! You go girl!

  57. August 15, 2013 at 9:33 am

    My husband and I were joking about the “hand-sized purse” too. Whose hand? If it was one of those defensive linemen’s hands, sure. That’s probably bigger than my purse now. I wanted to go hit up a game this season but I guess definitely not with kids, although I’d love to try to fit bottles and diapers into a gallon sized bag.

  58. August 15, 2013 at 10:35 am

    This is hysterical…it should be addressed.

  59. 133 Kris
    August 15, 2013 at 12:10 pm

    This is the best! Thanks for wirting.

  60. 134 Sommer
    August 15, 2013 at 12:35 pm

    And now the parking lots will become a place of plunder as everyone’s purses will be in their car…nice. Way to go! I feel so much safer now…another reason to hate football.

  61. 135 Regina
    August 15, 2013 at 12:46 pm

    well, what about the money that all the women spend on their team logo purses – lets get our money back gals! I am a hockey fan, so glad I don’t go to football games – but I know there are many many women out there with team logo purses – I have 2 for the Washington Capitals and if I really loved football as much as I loved hockey, I would have a Ravens purse – this is just ridiculous!

    • 136 Karen Novakoski
      August 18, 2013 at 10:42 am

      Regina, so true”. I have three of these darnn bags. What the heck will I do with them now? It’s obviously men making these frigging rules and trying to get us to buy yet another ravens clear bag! Could we just storm the stadiums and ask to check our bags with the stadiums? Bet they’d stop this rule after the first game.
      And yes they are trying to get us to be safer……really? I’m tired of giving up my conveinence for that .001% or less of a chance this would happen. The wands in the bags are enough.

  62. 137 Veronica Sumrall
    August 15, 2013 at 2:02 pm

    They just need to give women that need tampons/kotex for free……..why should WE have to think of things to hid and keep our personal stuff in? Oh and how many times does your husband or boyfriend want you to put something of there in your purse? Love it!!!!!

    • August 16, 2013 at 2:12 am

      hi Veronica! I’d commented earlier but wanted to share in case you didn’t see…designed this little problem-solver after dropping my spare tampon on the gym floor and getting mad. ha! though it’s really for way more than feminine hygiene…it’s still great for that too. So…now you won’t have to think too hard of alt ways… ;) come say hi! http://www.portapocket.com

  63. 139 Dionne
    August 15, 2013 at 2:56 pm

    Clear plastic purses/bags can be found on Amazon for around $9-20. Plus as someone who works in the casino business, all employees have to carry any personal belongings in one if you work in certain departments. Plus unless I am having my monthy visitor, I only take my keys, money, bank card, ID and cell to the game. They all go in my jeans’ front pockets.

  64. August 15, 2013 at 3:04 pm

    I AGREE 100%!!! This is the most absurd rule ever. I’m from Buffalo and our stadium has the most uncomfortable seats ever so I usually carry a cushion bag, plus I like to bring my own food sometimes to avoid eating the fatty garbage stadium food. Someone should seriously start a petition, I have a feeling basically NO ONE regardless of their gender thinks this rule makes any sense.

  65. 142 pissedoffchick
    August 15, 2013 at 3:13 pm

    My issue is safety of the women attending. I really don’t want my wallet/ keys other valuables in a clear bag that everyone can see through! also trying to carry around a ziploc bag in outrageous. I also am angry because as someone with severe allergies, my epi pens/ inhaler cannot simple go in a pocket! if they want us to use clear bags they need to be available beforehand not inside or online. If i have to buy a bag in line, then put my belongings in it, then leave my purse in my car its going to be a nightmare. I pay enough for tickets, i shouldn’t have to buy a $15 clear bag. They just want more money… ps Ravens Fan

    • 143 SteelerFan
      August 16, 2013 at 2:38 pm

      I think this point is what most people are missing. Personal Items aside the security issue of allowing everyone to see what you are carrying in your bag is problem.

  66. 144 LaDonna
    August 15, 2013 at 3:35 pm

    Why do the men not have to have clear pockets? They are not asked to empty their pockets? This is very sexist!

  67. 146 Kimberly
    August 15, 2013 at 4:02 pm

    I love you! You are my kind of chick and our “Ravens Nest” welcomes you into our fold… This was hilarious and you are awesome!!!

  68. 147 Dave J.
    August 15, 2013 at 4:35 pm

    I don’t know if this helps or not, but you actually can bring in a bag that isn’t clear. You can still bring your clutch into the stadium. Being a guy I don’t know if that’s useful information, but at least it’s not one of those dumb clear things or a ziploc bag. http://www.nfl.com/qs/allclear/index.jsp

  69. 148 George
    August 15, 2013 at 4:40 pm

    I don’t think what Jen wrote is sexist, and I totally love her sense of humor. And BTW, I think if a woman could carry a bomb small enough to fit into her purse, a man could fit something lethal into his pocket. Men can also tuck a gun into his pants or strapped around his ankle and other creative things a terrorist/criminal could do. The point is, that anyone bent on doing harm can find a way, which makes the no-purse rule useless.

  70. August 15, 2013 at 4:44 pm

    I loved reading this! I’m a Bears fan, and your sarcasm had me laughing!

  71. August 15, 2013 at 6:11 pm

    OK, so if they are not checking pockets, what’s to stop an evil person from slipping some nefarious object in his/her pocket and strolling through the checkpoint? As she says early on in the piece, someone glancing into a handbag for a few seconds is not going to detect anything smaller than a handgun and anyone who is seriously trying to cause trouble is going to be so stupid as to not know how to conceal that. And since that person is probably a guy, why aren’t they being patted down?

    What happens come cold weather when people have heavy jackets and coats and scarves and knit caps — all of which can be used to conceal all manner of dastardly things. I’ve been involved in security — particularly aviation security — for over 25 years and, believe me, all of these checks are “security illusions.”

    Brilliantly funny piece, m’dear. Well done!

  72. 151 Heather
    August 15, 2013 at 7:30 pm

    Here’s one problem solved: http://divacup.com/

    • 152 Cranky Otter
      August 17, 2013 at 3:04 am

      Yes! Diva Cup (reusable) or Instead Softcups (not supposed to reuse but typically use one per period plus a spare – clean with soap and baking soda to scrub it)

      Insteads last 2x tampons and Diva cup 3-4x as long as tampons with MUCH less mess. I recommend pantiliners but even they are not really necessary, just for insurance. Really. Every woman should try them a few times. Most will never use tampons and pads again.

  73. 153 Chastity
    August 15, 2013 at 8:08 pm

    This is crazy! My 15 year old daughter will NOT be ok with Carrying a plastic see-through bag with tampons in it in front of people. And she wouldn’t go with me carrying one as well. I also wouldn’t be that comfortable with it. This is not okay good for you for writing this Article

  74. August 15, 2013 at 8:47 pm

    We go to Michigan games and they don’t let purses in either…such a pain in the ASS!

  75. 155 Chastity
    August 15, 2013 at 9:07 pm

    This is not okay. My 15-year-old daughter would not ever carry a plastic bag with tampons to a game And she would not Come with me if II carried a Clearbank with personal items and it. She Is a tomboy but gets embarrassed extremely easy. This is not okay. Thank you for writing such a clever article about it☺

  76. August 15, 2013 at 11:30 pm

    Congratulations – you are now the 2nd Browns fan I feel a bond with!! As a Steelers fan I went to the home-opener against the Giants – it was appalling to see how many people were turned away because their “hand-sized purse” had a shoulder strap on it. What BS. This is clearly nothing more than a thinly-veiled attempt by the NFL to charge people $10 for a see-through bag with an “authorized” logo on it. For shame!!!!

  77. 157 Gladisbaby
    August 15, 2013 at 11:45 pm

    I plan to boycott stadium food and beverage in protest. Men have never understood the sanctity of a woman’s purse. Men and women love football and a bunch of Men made stupid rules that affect women only who go to the games. We can’t hit them in the purse, so hit them in the wallet.

  78. 158 Sean Mac
    August 16, 2013 at 12:21 am

    I love you! I know you don’t know me but will you marry me? PRICELESS!!!

  79. August 16, 2013 at 12:39 am

    Damn, what about women who can’t wear tampons? I suppose they could “pad” their bras or on cold days wear them like mufflers around their necks. Sure, they could stick a few bucks and their drivers licenses in their pockets, but what about all those other “accessories” women need at any given moment? I think the women of Cleveland should all go to the games wearing cargo pants with every pocket stuffed full of tampons, pads, feminine wipes and sprays, and all sorts of other “personal” items. See, then, how the people with penises like standing in line while those minimum-wage ticket takers stick their wands into each and every potential bomb-wielding pocket.

  80. 160 thatguy27
    August 16, 2013 at 12:51 am

    Dear NFL: Give Me Special Treatment or I’ll Call You Sexist

  81. 161 Elizabeth Hoover
    August 16, 2013 at 12:54 am

    I don’t know you but I LOVE YOUR RESPONSE!!! YOU GO GIRL!!!

  82. 162 Andy
    August 16, 2013 at 2:02 am

    Funniest damn thing I have read in a long time and I know your pain as a fellow Browns fan. Considering the size of the female fanbase, I am waiting for the day they boycott games until this rule is eliminated.

  83. 163 MJ Joe
    August 16, 2013 at 5:52 am

    Anybody in your game-day party able to grow a beard? Perhaps you could follow the example of that fellow in Cincinnati who rolled cans of beer into his beard to attend Bengals’ training camp.

  84. August 16, 2013 at 8:49 am

    Love it … & I’m from Steeler Country! Where can I find more of your rants?

  85. August 16, 2013 at 9:47 am

    This is stupid – you live in Cleveland – it is cold – wear a coat and put your crap in the pockets – you wonder why your team can’t win – because its fan have no common sense. I have been to more Steelers games than I can count and I have never – ever taken a purse – and I am one of those fan that wear super cute outfits of my team to the games. If it is warm out – then have your boyfriend/husband carry them in his cargo shorts. This is not difficult :)

  86. 166 Tvan
    August 16, 2013 at 10:13 am

    As we say in the South, “Thank you kindly” for this laugh. I nearly spewed my coffee everywhere while reading this. The new policy is absurd, but Supreme Lord Goodell says we must act in accordance of safety. Rubbish!

    Keep up the good fight and this dude supports you!

  87. 167 Daniel
    August 16, 2013 at 11:25 am

    Your purse can carry firearms, knives and snacks that the stadium wants to sell to you at high prices.
    I can’t go into a government building with my wallet because it’s on a chain and that could be used as a garrotte (quote from the cops). Yet a woman with a purse the size of Kenya with two 24″ straps can sail right in. Do I whine about it? No, I just take out what I need and leave my wallet in the trunk.
    Cry cry cry. Tell it to a priest; he might care.

    • 168 Michelle
      August 16, 2013 at 12:16 pm

      The stadium sells firearms and knives…..who knew??? They look inside the purses. We don’t just walk on in. If I was carrying a firearm, they would see it.

  88. 169 Who Dat Searching Me?!
    August 16, 2013 at 11:39 am

    Saints fan here and we’re not thrilled about it here either, and the Superdome is a closed-in stadium. Down in New Orleans it’s more about bringing in your own alcohol to the games more than bombs; at least that’s what the people here are arguing about it, but please. I work the games for an outside vendor & need to bring in items to set up that WILL NOT fit in a gallon sized ANYTHING.

    And just a thought to those who suggest that you have your “man” bring it in for you… What if you don’t have a boyfriend or are — *gasp* GAY!!! — and you & your lady both need to carry your items with you? Sure, your pockets will be loaded but come on, this is truly absurd.

    The “if you can’t go 4 hours without something…” people: what about people with inhalers, epi-pens, special medication, special needs people? They should stay home simply because of a disability or life-threatening illness? How selfish of you to suggest.

    There is no reason why there can’t be a line for people who are carrying necessary items, and another line for those who just have their pockets full. Open the gates 30 minutes earlier & encourage patrons that have purses to search to get their early.

    Great post!!

  89. August 16, 2013 at 11:41 am

    Saints fan here and we’re not thrilled about it here either, and the Superdome is a closed-in stadium. Down in New Orleans it’s more about bringing in your own alcohol to the games more than bombs; at least that’s what the people here are arguing about it, but please. I work the games for an outside vendor & need to bring in items to set up that WILL NOT fit in a gallon sized ANYTHING.

    And just a thought to those who suggest that you have your “man” bring it in for you… What if you don’t have a boyfriend or are — *gasp* GAY!!! — and you & your lady both need to carry your items with you? Sure, your pockets will be loaded but come on, this is truly absurd.

    The “if you can’t go 4 hours without something…” people: what about people with inhalers, epi-pens, special medication, special needs people? They should stay home simply because of a disability or life-threatening illness? How selfish of you to suggest.

    There is no reason why there can’t be a line for people who are carrying necessary items, and another line for those who just have their pockets full. Open the gates 30 minutes earlier & encourage patrons that have purses to search to get their early.

    Great post!!

  90. 171 Kim Morningstar
    August 16, 2013 at 12:00 pm

    This is priceless! Very well said ~ from a die hard Steeler Fan :)

  91. 172 Wendy
    August 16, 2013 at 12:07 pm

    Hilarious! Us chicks need to stand together against our penis-laden peers

    • 173 Edgar Corral
      August 16, 2013 at 2:47 pm

      Sorry wendy, I thought this post was about a very stupid and annoying policy in NFL but maybe I was wrong and was a post about women hating men. Anyway, when you want to stand against any stupid and annoying rule count on me.

  92. 175 Denise
    August 16, 2013 at 2:18 pm

    Absolutely LOVE it!

  93. 176 Rita
    August 16, 2013 at 4:41 pm

    Lots of people in New Orleans have quit going because the parking has gotten outrageous!! $60 to park!! More than some of the tickets! Rather stay home and see it on TV….Ridiculous!!

  94. 177 Jessica
    August 16, 2013 at 4:46 pm

    Rarely comment on blogs, but this was FANTASTIC. I was so annoyed to find out on my way up to the first preseason game that I couldn’t bring my tiny purse in.
    Go Browns! And thanks for the laughs!

  95. August 16, 2013 at 5:19 pm

    You are hilarious. I’m not a fan of the NFL (see arrest records) but I’m a fan of your sarcastic wit. Bravo!

  96. 179 Thumper
    August 16, 2013 at 5:58 pm

    send them a clear bag with some hemorrhoid
    cream in it cause all they do is sit on their butts all day dreaming up stuff cause they have nothing important in life to do.

  97. 180 Jimmy
    August 16, 2013 at 6:39 pm

    Interesting reading, equal parts funny and sad. With that said, here is a receipt. I’ve always been miffed at the female population’s insistence to lug a suitcase (purse) to a football game, any sporting event for that matter. How many tampons could you possibly need for a 3 hour event? 1? 2 maybe? If you need more than 2 then you should be making an appointment to see the doctor instead of attending a football game. You need your lipstick? Really? Again, It’s a FOOTBALL GAME, not your BFF’s wedding or a meet and greet with Justin Beiber and Tatum Channing. You have no pockets cause you’re wearing yoga pants? Is there going to be a yoga session on the field at halftime? Once again, It’s a FOOTBALL GAME at a FOOTBALL STADIUM! LA Fitness is down the road on the left if it’s yoga you crave. Unfortunately in the world of women, common sense is often trumped by a lack thereof with a heaping helping of drama on the side

    • August 16, 2013 at 7:31 pm

      Dude…. Ever hear of sarcasm? This is clearly not meant to be taken seriously. I’m wearing tampon earrings for shit’s sake.

      • 182 Jimmy
        August 19, 2013 at 1:22 pm

        Yeah, I heard of sarcasm. Looks like you can’t decipher what it is………….for shits sake ummmm dude

      • August 19, 2013 at 1:25 pm

        ‘Jimmy’, the entire article is dripping in sarcasm. Judging by your response, you don’t understand. Not everyone gets it. If you took one sentence of it as serious commentary, then it’s over your head. That’s all I’m saying.

  98. 184 sjks
    August 16, 2013 at 7:57 pm

    I could care less about any kind of football and know NOTHING abt it. (luke-warm football fans would even be horrified.) I am stopping by and taking the time to say: this was hilarious and entertaining n well done! (…also typing one-handed while caring for baby! Big inconvenience!) I read it for entertainment and it was well worth the fun. Well worth the effort to say so as well. Sorry to hear even die-hard fans are dealing with decisions made by people paid way too much to not have any common sense. Sad that people like this have their unintelligent say in many aspects of society! Sheesh!

    • 185 Edgar Corral
      August 16, 2013 at 8:54 pm

      My opinion is that they aren’t lack of common. They are very intelligent and greedy people who think they can make more money out of football fans with the excuse of safety

  99. 186 Stephanie
    August 16, 2013 at 8:05 pm

    Not to mention ill bet the amount of car break-ins will quadruple with all the purses being left in cars…I wonder if roger goodell will pay for that?!

  100. 187 Asia
    August 16, 2013 at 8:15 pm

    So I’m supposed to carry a 1-gallon ziplock bag to games w my wallet, tampons, phone, and lip balm for all the world to see? Come on…really? I’d feel like I still worked in banking or retail – those are legitimate uses of clear bags…and the MEN had to carry them too! But at those jobs, at least they provided little see-thru purses w zippers & handles! How are u supposed to lug a zip lock around without dropping it or accidentally picking up another woman’s ziplock bag in the restroom?? Stuff it in your bra? In your jeans? I like your mock-ups for hiding tampons…very clever! Hey, maybe crochet a cross-body strap, hot glue it on, for convenience, & embellish w a few clear crystals. Now THAT’S a fashion statement. Who are the idiot MEN who came up w this bright idea? Ridiculous. I love your snarkiness Clever Girl!!

    • 188 Edgar Corral
      August 16, 2013 at 8:48 pm

      “Who are the idiot MEN who came up w this bright idea?” Probably the comisioner and team owners but just let me remind you that when a similar policy was implemented at airports in 2001. It was a woman called Condoleezza Rice one of the ones who came with the brilliant idea. Let’s just say that idiocy is something that affects men and women equalIy

      • 189 kayley m.
        August 19, 2013 at 10:20 pm

        yes, they’re exactly the same thing! having to put your liquids in a bag that you bring in inside your purse then put away after having them checked is exactly the same thing as not being allowed to carry a purse at all, leaving you either taking none of your essentials with you or having them in a plastic bag for all the world to see! how did no one but you see the bang on exact sameness? i can only assume it’s due to sheer genius.
        also, if you’re so offended by all the sexism going on here.. GTFO. not that i expect you to, then you wouldn’t get the chance to whine about it all every 20 comments or so!

      • 190 Edgar Corral
        August 20, 2013 at 7:38 am

        If you don’t mind, I’ll do and say whatever i want, just like you and anyone else here do. You should learn to be more tolerant. I’m sorry for you.

  101. 191 Kathy Bold
    August 16, 2013 at 9:13 pm

    This is ridiculous – I don’t have to worry about periods anymore but now have to worry about incontinence and i will not carry what I need in a plastic bag for the world to see. It’s bad enough at the grocery store because they come in bright pink/purple plastic.

    I’ll just stay home and watch from the comfort of my living room instead of spending all that money on a ticket and overpriced food and drinks.

  102. 192 Terry
    August 16, 2013 at 9:57 pm

    Didn’t this letter just say you are on your period? JK : )

  103. 193 dorothy tecklenburg
    August 16, 2013 at 11:01 pm

    I’m a Steelers fan and I love you!

  104. 194 Sara
    August 17, 2013 at 2:30 am

    I don’t understand why you need a purse at a football game anyway. Ok if you are on the rag you need to put your stuff somewhere, but can’t you go a few hours without touching up your make-up? Do you really need your phone at the game? Who are you going to be texting/calling? You are there to watch the game. Put your money in your pocket, stash your purse in the trunk of the car and go enjoy the football game you are there for.

  105. August 17, 2013 at 3:02 am

    My purse is roughly the size of Ohio. It is large enough for a family of Vietnamese immigrants to live inside it comfortably. My daughter-in-law went to China for a year with a suitcase smaller than my gigantic Coach purse. And I live ACROSS from Soldier Field, but I guess the Soldier will become unknown to me from now on.

  106. 196 Mar
    August 17, 2013 at 7:55 am

    Hilarious! I got such a good laugh from you this morning!

  107. August 17, 2013 at 1:00 pm

    If you feel the need to carry items into the stadium that you would rather shield from general view…such as tampons…find another way to carry it. Wear something with pockets or a blouse with a slit to hide the tube. Can’t you carry the see thru bag in such a way that you hide from view the tube? When examined by the security guard show it to them then.

  108. August 17, 2013 at 2:19 pm

    I think the most ironic part of all of this is that women serial killers/mass murderers are EXTREMELY rare. The people who usually perform these kinds of acts in the open are men. It wasn’t women that flew the planes into the World Trade Center, set off the bomb in Oklahoma, or held people hostage at the Olympics. Great article, great points. (And for the record, I do think your tampon keychain idea is really cool.)

  109. 201 Con
    August 17, 2013 at 2:40 pm

    I wonder if anyone knows if these rules apply to the box owners & suite owners? i probably bet they dont and their wives and families probably get to take in whatever they want.

  110. 203 Jax
    August 17, 2013 at 3:06 pm

    Here’s a tip: my hubby is a paramedic who works all the stadiums in our city. He spends most of his time taking care of drunks…and handing out tampons. That’s right. Tampons are FREE at the medical booths. Just ask. That way the assinine people who came up with this rule can start paying for it literally.

  111. 204 Brian
    August 17, 2013 at 3:56 pm

    While I agree that this policy is ridiculous and I understand the point being made, you have to understand that you pin pointed the problem with your very arguement. Some of the people hired as security just don’t care. Speaking from experience, as a guard at one of the busiest stadiums in the country, many guards start out with the best intensions, however when the full rush of 80000 impatient, and often intoxicated, people hit the gates to get inside with 5 minutes before kickoff, security takes a second or even third seat to customer service and just the sheer numbers. Most security staff is close to 70% male as well, which makes a difficult problem of getting people inside safetly, that much more of a headache especially when it comes to cross gender searches, which by the way is a big no no. Also to generalize security across the board as minimuim wage and careless, while is funny in jest or might be your opinion, is actually far from the truth. Most stadiums, in my area at least, pay very well, as they are trying to attract quality people to the positions. Does this always work? No. Are some guards bad at their job? Of course. There is a high turn over rate in these positions because people think it is a cake walk, but once you get the job, you realize that you have to actually work and that turns people off. Many of the guards sympathize with the people simply because they are there to do a job and enforce the policies of both the stadium and the NFL. I whole heartedly agree with you, the plastic sandwich bags are insulting and ridiculous, however a clear bag will speed up the process and make life easier for all. And besides, it is not that the NFL is looking to stop midwest terror cells in the form of soccer moms, but rather they are looking to curb people from bringing in contraban. What kind of contraban? Outside alcholic beaverages, drugs, weapons (like mace), and so forth. I personally witnessed a mother trying to bring a six pack of beer in through a main gate in her child’s diaper bag. Sad situation, but nonetheless something that security is supposed to be there to stop. Will clear plastic bags solve this problem? Of course not, I am not delusional and people are smart they will always come up with ways to beat security, as security, just as with law enforcement, is a defensive tool that is there to stop a problem before it happens. Anyway just playing devils advocate with you, funny ideas though

  112. 205 Catherine Gilkey
    August 17, 2013 at 7:10 pm

    I was so excited when my son Garrett was drafted to the Cleveland Browns In April. My first celebration gift to myself was a gigantic fabulous burnt orange purse. Your story made me laugh on so many levels.

  113. 206 Chris
    August 17, 2013 at 10:15 pm

    I was at last Thursday’s pre-season game and I spotted 4 men walking around with full size backpacks. Looks like someone missed the memo about clear bags and no backpacks

  114. 207 sandra
    August 18, 2013 at 2:25 am

    Bravo! That was awesome!! You just might have something here!!

  115. August 18, 2013 at 6:15 am

    Great article! As a UK NFL fan, I can see the frustration – I went through it when I went to Olympic events last year in London – I suspect the NFL has seen that, and decided to implement it. As ever, an over reaction which will fail to stop anyone who wants to cause soemthing, as they will find a way.
    I laughed a lot reading, gave my morning a big smile! Cheer, Gordon

  116. 209 Julie Frey
    August 18, 2013 at 6:03 pm

    Oh my dear that was SOOOOOOOOOO worth reading and for the record I always feel bad for the Browns fans!! I’ve never understood that NFL team and it’s owners etc. I think maybe it is just a cover for some other business unrelated to football. You truly have a gift for writing hope you are using it for things other than responses to the NFL, cuz honey you got a gift! You go girl! and GO Browns! Maybe this will be their year!!!! Then again maybe not, hey I’m a Vikings fan so I can relate!

  117. 210 Christina hill
    August 18, 2013 at 8:04 pm

    We are BFFs and you don’t know it! Other then the browns I could have written this. I just lost my clutch in a battle at the Superdome! Ugh!

  118. 211 Kathy
    August 19, 2013 at 1:00 am

    It is all about them making more money. The NFL will try to still these ideas (they love doing that, we Who Dat fans know about that personally) so I hope you get pattens or whatever recorded so they have to pay you.

  119. 212 Devon
    August 19, 2013 at 12:32 pm

    I die! When you add in the wind chill at Browns (excuse me, First Energy) Stadium, how do they expect me to smuggle in my hand warmers, extra gloves/socks/hats, and hot cocoa that doesn’t require a second mortgage? Of course, I’m not the target demo there, as a Steelers fan married to a Browns season ticket holder. ;-)

  120. August 19, 2013 at 3:15 pm

    Please let me know how PortaPocket works out for you at the game, Jen! …Can be your little secret agent to keep your more important items CLOSER. For those who may have missed my earlier comments… this is a way to HELP YOURSELF!
    http://www.portapocket.com
    You might also want to check out the stylish pocket-rich clothing from http://www.scottevest.com
    …I have ‘em… and LOVE ‘em! xoxo ♥

  121. August 19, 2013 at 3:30 pm

    Jen – You totally rock and I agree with the earlier comment that said the post was equally funny and sad – well only sad because you’re a Browns fan and I feel your pain – otherwise well written, thoughtful, and an articulate expression of a valid point. – Throwing my hands up quickly – not that you need me to validate your point ;) On another note, are you looking for investors for the earrings? We could totally get on Shark Tank…. if this gets traction with the NBA too, we could target Cuban as our mentor….

  122. August 19, 2013 at 3:39 pm

    Another reason why anymore, we prefer to watch the NFL from the comfort of our own home, where you can carry around a giant, sanitary-supply-filled handbag AND buy six REALLY GOOD BEERS for the $9 we’d pay for each crappy Lite at the stadium. Plus the seat is way cushier.

    My friend informed me of this new rule when she attended the Saints preseason game last week. She ended up rubber-banding her small clutch so it would shrink and fit inside some guide they had. She also went to several different bag-check stations till she found one that would let her in.

  123. August 19, 2013 at 10:34 pm

    As an employee that does work checking your clutch or plastic bag! It’s not just purses that are banned, its camera cases, back packs, diaper bags, etc. It’s for safety reasons, and I don’t think the NFL was thinking of females when they made this rule! They where thinking “NFL fans” to keep you guys safe! They don’t what happened in Boston “with the backpack” to happen in a stadium. That would not just kill or hurt women but children, men, players, owners, and all us stadium workers. It has nothing to do with seeing your tampons, it has to do with safety. If a bomb would go off in a stadium, the first thing people would say is why is security not tighter, why did they allow that in! Look at the big picture before you go on a rant about your tampons being seen!!! Last time I saw personal products are in every women’s bathroom and for the very cheap price of .25 a piece! Come winter time, I’m sure we will hear gratitude on how fast you got in out of the cold! While we stand out in below zero weather for you guys! Think about that!!!!!!!

    • August 19, 2013 at 10:40 pm

      LaTrisha, thanks for busting your butt in the cold! I appreciate what you do. This is obviously a sarcastic commentary about over-reaction by the NFL. None of this keeps us any safer and I think we all know that. Nobody wants another tragedy, but my $10 Target purse isn’t the problem. Where there’s a will, there’s a way. If I thought this contributed to a safer environment on any level, I’d be all for it. Thanks again!

  124. 218 Greg
    August 20, 2013 at 12:30 am

    Any idea how the Raiders will carry their gear if they can’t take their purses into the Coliseum?

  125. 222 Steve
    August 20, 2013 at 1:43 pm

    The only way to end ridiculous policies like this is for people to stop wasting $100+ to watch a three hour game.

  126. 223 Steven
    August 20, 2013 at 5:01 pm

    Great article!!! You know what would make it better? Have the men (yes, I said it), carry the items as well. What better way to showcase the cheering crowd and zoom in on guys and girls wearing Tampon Necklaces. This will show Goodell that you want to make a mockery of women’s bags…I would wear it with pride!!!

  127. 224 Carol
    August 21, 2013 at 1:24 am

    Another great reason to not support anything NFL-related!!!! Not a fan of stupid rules either.

  128. 225 Anonymous
    August 21, 2013 at 5:47 pm

    The problem with this policy is not that we (women) don’t have a place for our tampons…we can find a small , NFL approved place for them; the problem is in the fact that they are exposing our (both men and women alike) personal property and infringing on our privacy. If smaller bags will help security and keep us safe…by all means, try and impose a policy to reduce the size of the bag allowed…but to have everything be clear? Why? So you (Mr. Stranger) can see my credit card # that may be out of my wallet, my tampons, my necessary prescriptions, my kids’ stuff, etc…that’s not your business. And what are the security guards at the line going to do now? Just glance at your clear bag to ensure there’s no drugs, flask or guns? Is asking us to open the bag and having them look inside too much work? Does it really take that much time? I assure you that many unsafe things will breeze right by those security guards because they are going to simply be focused on whether your bag is clear or hand-sized…and not worried about the contents inside. Dear NFL: If you feel that smaller bags are needed – fine. I understand that people may over pack a bit for certain events; but that is our right and everyone in the stadium doesn’t need to be aware of the personal items we have on us. That is why you are paying the security guards at the gate. If they aren’t doing their jobs correctly and the lines are getting backed up because of it….clear team-branded bags that I have to purchase is not the solution….

  129. August 22, 2013 at 7:42 pm

    I’ll carry my tampons in a clear plastic bag when they carry their condoms in one.

  130. 227 John Zimmerman
    August 22, 2013 at 10:52 pm

    I’ll bet the NFL would let some Islamic babe enter a stadium wearing an all-concealing burqa though, and who knows what they conceal under those? Talk about the tail wagging the dog!

  131. 228 Melanie
    August 23, 2013 at 12:14 am

    do you know how much I love you? I’d kiss you right here, right now, full on the lips – and I’m not gay. That’s love. THANK YOU!

  132. 229 Melanie
    August 23, 2013 at 12:32 am

    PS — I think, especially for night games, this puts women’s safety into question: imagine a trip to the restroom, money, credit cards and ID out there for the world to see and count, no strap with which to hold it, and grab, it’s gone. At best.

  133. August 23, 2013 at 9:08 am

    Hilariousness. What are they thinking? I’m taking to the Twitter to let @nflcomish know what I think. And I’ll be sharing this post with him too.

  134. 231 mikeslayen
    August 23, 2013 at 1:29 pm

    lame toothless rule. Cuz most gangtas at Charger games keep their guns n knives in their girls oversize clutch. RIGHT

  135. August 23, 2013 at 1:29 pm

    Haha! Why does the NFL mistreat the ladies?

  136. 233 Chicago Bears Fan
    August 23, 2013 at 5:40 pm

    Use a wrist wallet & bullet sized (O.B.) tampons. You’ll be good to go.

    That being said, this rule of see through everything…even see through backpacks mind you, is crazy.

    • 234 Chicago Bears Fan
      August 23, 2013 at 5:42 pm

      See through backpacks being banned that is, according to the flier I got during pre-season practice at the Arizona Cardinals Stadium, is over kill.

  137. 235 Texans Girls
    August 23, 2013 at 7:45 pm

    As a woman who lost both her driver’s license and credit card last week at the Texans’ opener, I have to say I’m with you! Had I been able to bring my (not any larger than the pockets on a man’s cargo shorts) wristlet into the game last Saturday, I wouldn’t be waiting on a new Banana Republic card to show up in the mail. I don’t know that I’ve ever cried sexism in my life, but as long as men can wear shorts with pockets big enough for a 9mm, I should be able to hide my fully legal, and totally necessary, feminine products in the vessel I choose! Well said!

  138. 236 Redskins Girl
    August 24, 2013 at 7:34 am

    I don’t think I have ever commented on a blog post before- but this is BEYOND AWESOME! Thanks for stating what all of us girls are thinking and doing it with such amazing sarcasm…. you rock!

  139. 237 Melissa
    August 24, 2013 at 4:49 pm

    LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!! Couldn’t have said it better myself – besides the fact I’m a Jets fan, I think i’m in more pain than you and your Browns LOL

  140. 238 DeWayne Aubrey Douthett
    August 25, 2013 at 4:40 pm

    Jen…………you are absolutely hilarious :) Marry me??

  141. August 29, 2013 at 7:23 pm

    Hi! This post could not be written any better!
    Reading this post reminds me of my old room mate! He always kept chatting about this.
    I will forward this write-up to him. Fairly certain he will
    have a good read. Thanks for sharing!

  142. September 10, 2013 at 5:00 pm

    Broadsside! You absolutely rock. I’ve been steaming ever since I heard about the policy, and have yet to attend a game, tho it’s killing me. I have too many medical items that I need, in addition to items necessary for physical comfort, and though they say there is a “special medical needs line” that is NOT a conversation I want to have with the poorly trained guy with the wand who is bored and trying to figure out if my items are a security threat. No offense to the security guards, they do the best with what they get, but they are not being trained in all possible medical paraphernalia and I’m sure are going to ask some women some pretty embarrassing questions. Texans Girl! – my other fear. My ish will get lost if stored in those crappy bags, and I don’t have $700 to replace a lost smart phone that hasn’t yet come up for the discount on contract renewal, BECAUSE I SPENT IT ON RAIDERS TICKETS… Suffice it to say I’m with all you ladies who don’t want to share the contents of their “necessary” toiletries with all and sundry, though I remain willing to endure whatever search at the door/gate they deem necessary for the safety of the genpub. I think I have devised a way to make my attending livable. We’ll see if they let me in. Hang in there. We can turn this around if we keep it up.

  143. September 18, 2013 at 12:39 pm

    Funny blog and accurate to say the least. I’m sure the NFL will be knocking on your door for licensing and copyright infringement of your tampon holder. NFL = No Fun League

  144. August 15, 2013 at 8:49 am

    Thanks! Much love to Baltimore. No, we’re not over it… But it’s still a great city.


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About the Broad

A humorous look at dating in your mid-thirties and the other hilarious things that happen around us on a daily basis.

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