I am writing in regards to the ‘no purse’ policy the NFL has instated for the 2013 season. At the risk of sounding like a whiny bitch, I feel like there might be a no penis penalty at play here. I doubt that anyone realistically believes that the public will be at risk from my mocha shimmer lip gloss or a couple of Tampax. Hardly contraband, wouldn’t you agree?
I understand that a large cross section of the penis-having community is probably completely on board with this new policy. Hell, who doesn’t want to get through the turnstiles and to their $9.00 domestic draft beer quicker? I know I do. However, I’ve been through the purse check line where someone sticks some weird baton thing inside my purse and pretends to care about the contents. It took precisely three seconds. If I had to guess, I’d say that the ticket taking contingency of the staff NFL- wide probably isn’t adept at bomb detection. If you paid me minimum wage to work eight games a year, I probably wouldn’t give a shit either. My point is this… If I was crafty enough to conjure up some kind of tampon bomb that exploded when you pulled the string, would Oscar the ticket guy have a critical influence and deny me entry? My money is on no. As of today, 28 NFL players have been arrested since the Superbowl. Check that… someone was just arrested AS I WAS WRITING THIS. I wish I was kidding. Understandably, your primary focus is on me (and my girlfriends). Those Mid-west soccer moms are a tricky bunch, so I completely get why you’d treat them like sleeper cells.
The NFL’s suggestion that women carry one gallon plastic sandwich bags in lieu of a purse is kind of asinine. As much as I’d like to walk around like a convict who can’t be trusted with basic toiletries, I’m probably not going to sign up for that. Being a Browns fan is painful enough without you reminding me that the season is comparable to a 16 week prison sentence. As for the stipulation that we can bring a ‘hand sized’ clutch… Huh? Whose hand are we using as the guideline? Much to the relief of most of my ex-boyfriends, mine are rather small. What’s that you say? You’ll sell me a crappy little see through ‘clutch’ with the logo of my favorite NFL team on it? I’m so surprised that you’ve used this as a merchandising opportunity! Nobody saw that coming.
Fortunately, I’m a pretty resourceful gal and I’ve come up with some prototypes of my new jewelry/tampon holder line, which are pictured here for your enjoyment. If I have to wear a necklace fashioned out of tampons, then so be it. We’ve all established that I’m a Browns fan, so my pride was dead and buried years ago. Our best player was a kicker who left for greener pastures, (Yes… I said KICKER!) Our new owner is embroiled in a scandal that may or may not have something to do with the price of Slim Jims and Lucky Strikes at thruway rest stops, and I’m not sure anyone knows who our quarterback is. Don’t you think bringing my purse to the game should be the least of my problems? Why rub salt in my wounds? When all is said and done, I’ll still be there come September… Just like every other horrible season. I’ll draft a fantasy team like my lover on the side to ease the pain of my reality team’s miserable failures. I’ll say unfathomable things about people I don’t know simply because they’re wearing Steelers gear. And, my heart will still be in the right place (with my team) even though my purse is in the car.
Coming soon… NFL
maxi shoulder pad line available in all 32 teams.