Shockingly, I still haven’t heard from the Commissioner of the NFL, Roger Goodell regarding the ridiculous purse ban policy put into play NFL wide for the 2013 season. It doesn’t seem like he’s listening to my concerns and I’m all but certain that he doesn’t care about my feelings. It’s almost as if we’re dating! Don’t get me wrong… I understand how and why this happened and the reluctance to back down once the decision was made. I’m sure it sounded good at the time. Let’s call it the way it is, shall we? This was obviously a knee jerk reaction to the Boston Marathon bombings. I can visualize a bunch of guys sitting around a conference table brainstorming this whole thing. How do we make the people feel safer? Tighter security measures? Maybe bomb sniffing dogs? I know! Ziploc bags will fix EVERYTHING! Yes. Yes, that’ll surely make everyone feel invincible. The terrorists are certain to be hugely intimidated by the freezer bag police. I’m sure there’s a sleeper cell back at the drawing board scratching their heads, exclaiming “foiled again!” It’s like a god damned Scooby Doo episode starring Roger as Shaggy. “They would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
I bought some Ziploc bags today (yes… They’re Ziploc, not some cheap knock-off freezer bags). If you can’t have a Coach purse, why not try Ziploc? I’ll have to admit that the color changing zipper feature is kind of nice. It lets you know that your makeshift purse is, in fact secure. Not one of my regular non-see through, privacy protecting purses has that characteristic. I refuse to be held down in the face of adversity, so I naturally bought some Browns duct tape, some jewels, stickers, and other non-glitter related adornments for my new lunch sack purse. Glitter is contraband at Browns (First Energy) stadium as well, so I didn’t want to walk that line. To be fair, I once had some glitter wedged into my cornea after handling one of my daughter’s glittery tees and it hurt… a lot! We definitely don’t want Jihadists catching wind of that and hurling fistfuls of glitter into unsuspecting sports fan’s delicate irises. That would be tragic. I’ve attached a picture of my gameday leftovers pouch so you can be jealous of how amazing I will be on September 8th when my Brownies take to the field for the home opener. It’ll likely be the best I feel all season.
Since, I’m all but positive that I’ve been placed on the NFL’s terror watch list, I might as well fully commit to the cause. I will be hosting a little soiree I like to call “Team Tampon Tailgate Protest” or T3 (because I’m cool like that) at Cleveland’s famed and often feared Muni Lot before the home opener. This will be a delightful little expression of disagreement with this asinine policy. Leave your Molotov cocktails and tear gas at home. This is very likely the reason the NFL doesn’t want us to carry purses. They think those things could potentially be in there, stuffed between the tampons and pressed powder compacts. I would encourage any of the other 31 NFL teams to participate in a similar show of solidarity, even though as a Clevelander I’m required to hate anyone who regularly out-performs my team and disappoints their fans less. That’s pretty much everyone. But let’s face it… NOBODY wants to carry their wallet and keys in a sandwich bag or their uterus which appears to be slightly less embarrassing alternative. Grab some sandwich bags from your kids’ back to school stash, fire up the mini-van and throw back some cold ones. Let’s come together on September 8th to voice your displeasure. I’ll likely forget why I’m mad after a few beers, but the camaraderie will be great.
I’m still learning this Twitter thing, because I’m obviously a verbose gal. If you happen to be on ‘The Twitter’ as I call it, Kindly hashtag #Teamtampontailgate, T3 or ziplocfashion I would also encourage including my BFF Shaggy Goodell @NFLcommish on any communication. I will send out an official press release at some point this week for media outlets that are interested in T3 or simply like having a great time. Email contact is: firstname.lastname@example.org.