04
Jun
14

Trailer Park application

Grillin' up some steakums

Grillin’ up some steakums

Dear City of Lakewood,

I would like you to consider reclassifying my apartment building, the Mayfair from ‘luxury apartment’ to trailer park. Hear me out here… I know it sounds far fetched, but I think you’ll see my side. Effectively, I think this should knock my rent down about $500 per month.

I’ve included a picture of the building’s ‘sparkling pool’ (their words, not mine). As you can see, it’s June and there isn’t any water in said pool. In fact the only moisture appears to be some sort of moldy residue in the ‘deep end’. We’ve been down this road before, my friends. Last year, sparkleville didn’t open until July 4th, and that was only after I demonstrated how awful pool parties are when there isn’t any water in the pool. http://thebroadsside.com/2013/06/22/worst-pool-party-ever/

Who wants to go swimming?

Who wants to go swimming?

Coupled with the fact that the washers and dryers in the ‘state of the art’ laundry facility are evidently decorative, I’m sure you can understand my frustration. Spending $15 for one load of laundry because the dryer takes four cycles isn’t exactly something I look forward to doing. Perhaps, I’ll just start individually drying my clothing with a hair dryer.

I’m aware of the fact that last winter was especially brutal, but I feel that heat is pretty critical. I didn’t appreciate being huddled around a space heater with my cat, while wearing a snuggy the majority of the winter. Did I mention I’m single? Thank you, Mayfair for your generosity with the ‘free heat’! The owner also refuses to spend extra money on salting the parking lot. I guess I should feel privileged that the plow driver journeys through the lot at all. I waved at him several times, but I was flat on my back after slipping so he probably didn’t see me.

Cooling off with a PBR Tallboy

Cooling off with a PBR Tallboy

I’ve included some pictures to show you that I’ve already begun my transition to the trailer park lifestyle. I’ll have to admit, I’m having a great time! Just the other day, I was listening to “All Summer Long” by Kid Rock while cooking up some scrumptious Steakums on the grill that’s stuck into the grass in the back yard. Tell me that doesn’t sound like a blast! Additionally, I’ve begun shopping exclusively at Wal-mart and my bra straps are always exposed. I plan to start parking my car on the grass, but only out front. I wouldn’t want to take up space in the area where I plan to fashion a slip n slide out of hefty bags and a garden hose. Who needs a pool? Laundry is no longer an issue since I’ve commenced drying my unmentionables on a clothesline in the parking lot.
Laundry Day!

Laundry Day!

I’m confident that if we work together, we can make this happen. I’ll gladly volunteer to be tornado preparedness captain if that sways your vote in my favor. If you would care to discuss the specifics further, feel free to stop by and we can toss back a few PBR tall boys on the rotted picnic tables on the luxury grounds. Just don’t be surprised when I crush the can on my head and throw it on the ground after I’ve shotgunned it.

Thanks so much for your time!

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1 Response to “Trailer Park application”


  1. June 5, 2014 at 11:22 am

    If any of your unmentionables come up missing, I promise it wasn’t me that took them.


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About the Broad

A humorous look at dating in your mid-thirties and the other hilarious things that happen around us on a daily basis.

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