08
Jun
14

Pool Crimes

Last year's pool party

Last year’s pool party


OMG, you guys! My pool might actually open next week… Only 2 1/2 weeks late! The maintenance guy at my building, the Mayfair said I should be thankful that it’s opening at all. According to him, this will be the earliest it’s ever opened. Woo-hoo! Way to celebrate inadequacy! I’ve tried to reach out to the owner of my building, Lenore Krantz (lovely woman that she is), but for some reason she won’t take my calls. I’ll be honest, my feelings are kind of hurt because I’m an absolute blast to chat with. I guess I’ll just have to use this platform instead. I’m much more comfortable with the public forum anyways, Lenore. I wouldn’t want to get hit with your broom in person.

The maintenance guy flat out told me that she refuses to speak with me and that she plans to ban me from the pool for having an opinion. I’ll tell you what… I can’t wait for that call to the Lakewood Police Department! I’m not completely up to date on the particular ordinances in regards to swimming related crimes, but if you guys could start saving your pennies in the event that I need to be bailed out of the clink for my egregious acts, I’d surely appreciate it. You guys are the best!

I’m no attorney, but I’m pretty sure that you can’t pick and choose what parts of a property a paying tenant is trespassed from, unless I did something horrifying like pooped in the pool or blasted Justin Beiber songs on loop while sunbathing naked. I also complained about the shitty laundry facilities, so I suppose I’m no longer allowed to use the dryers either. I’ll have to take my Bounce dryer sheets someplace where the machines actually work. That should free up an extra six hours on laundry day.

Reasonable Pool Rules. Who needs guests?

Reasonable Pool Rules. Who needs guests?

Let me be clear with one thing, I don’t blame building management at all. Those poor folks have been dealing with Ebenezer Krantz for years. Let me tell you, I plan to be the ghost of summers past, present and future. Maybe she’ll see the error of her ways before Lucifer takes her to her firey ever after. This broad shouldn’t be allowed to get away with the same mistakes time and time again without repercussions. If 19 Action News shows up on your property and demands to know why the pool isn’t open at the end of June, wouldn’t you be damn sure that didn’t happen again the next year? Does she think I’m any less of a sarcastic asshole than I was last year? I like to think my sarcasm is aging like a fine wine. This isn’t difficult. Do the shit you’re supposed to do as a landlord, and I’ll gladly be a model tenant. For me, the pool was the swing vote when I moved into this shit hole. Open it on God-damned Memorial Day weekend like every other pool-having place does. It’s such a simple solution. If you don’t, I will bitch. I promise.

I’m sure you’ve gathered by now that I don’t think my slumlord is a very nice person. None of this in conjecture. I’ve repeatedly heard her scream at and belittle the people who work for her. I can’t imagine ever speaking to another human being, animal or new aged robot in that manner. Her tenants don’t matter either, and I get that. I don’t want to adopt her as my 3rd grandmother or anything. I just want to be respected. I pay my rent on time. How about you do your part?

Last year, sweetheart had the nerve to charge tenants a $10 fee for a pool pass when it didn’t open until July. She also posted the ‘pool rules’ which I’ve included for your enjoyment. No guests? Wow… Am I allowed to have people over inside my apartment, evil step-mom, or is that something you’d like to regulate as well? Who wants to come over for my pool party? Perhaps I’ll run around the pool with my cat, while eating a Wendy’s double bacon cheeseburger and chain smoking Marlboros. Who’s with me?

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1 Response to “Pool Crimes”


  1. 1 Dick Gobbler
    June 9, 2014 at 10:10 am

    Is the maintenance guy’s name ‘Schneider’?


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About the Broad

A humorous look at dating in your mid-thirties and the other hilarious things that happen around us on a daily basis.

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