The Broad's Side

Over the years, the mere word ‘bachelor’ has become synonymous with douchebag so I’d like to extend my sincere gratitude to ABC for finally getting it right. If I hear that word used to describe a man, I’m all but certain that he’s a complete player. This is a guy that isn’t married because he has no desire to be. That, my friends might inhibit the amount of poon he’s raking in. He’s a smooth talker and knows exactly how to finagle his way into your pants. As a tribute to the true idea behind bachelorhood, the reality TV Gods have finally answered our prayers. Brad Womack, who’s the only ‘Bachelor’ to horrify and humiliate both of the finalists in the contest for his affection is back to ruin more lives. Thank you, camera wielding Jesus!

On the premiere last night, we were introduced to the lovely ladies. Luckily, nobody drowned in the sea of insecurity. Not one of these lunatics opted to leave when they realized that this dickhole was back for more Primetime free banging. In a shocking twist, Brad elected to honor anyone exhibiting any level of slutty behavior with a rose. Stretching your legs inappropriately over your head while wearing a skirt will probably get you noticed, as was the case with the particularly desperate Rockette named Keltie. Understandable I guess when you’re surrounded by gay men dressed as Nutcracker dolls and Santa during Radio City’s Christmas production. However, announcing that you’re ‘bendy’ will likely only distract him from your face for another episode or two… max. Then we had Madison who stole the show by sporting Vampire fangs. Of course, why wouldn’t she do that? If that doesn’t scream, “I’m wild in the sack,” I have no clue what does. She licked those jagged things in an attempt to be sexy, but it reminded me a lot of the way my gram used to lick her dentures when she’d gotten to the end of her tube of Polident. Except, my grandmother’s ‘fuck me eyes’ were a little more impressive. I saw the way she looked at my Grandpa after dinner at Perkins and an episode of Matlock. At least Madison’s a shoe-in for the Twilight themed porn that’s undoubtedly being scripted as we speak.

We were left hanging in suspense, waiting to see if Chantal the bitch-slapper would receive a rose. How is it possible that a woman could crack a guy across the face on national TV and remain in the running? Are you kidding? ABC probably had to edit out the part where Brad popped a boner after that clear- cut sexual advance. I can’t wait for the penis punch in episode three. There were some awkward moments of course. My favorite was the self-proclaimed ‘manscaper’, Rebecca who elected to wax off a little bit of Brad’s arm hair leaving a ridiculous looking bald patch. She alluded to waxing his undercarriage, but surprisingly Brad didn’t appear to be receptive to that. I think I saw Madison eyeing up the wax kit, but that might have just been another attempt at a sexy look. Who can really tell? It wouldn’t surprise me if she ended up in a production trailer with a key grip or best boy. One clever young lady opted to wear ruby slippers as an indication that she was from Kansas. Tragic that someone would consider that a selling point isn’t it? I don’t even know that one’s name. If I lost interest… surely Brad did too. One elegant blonde elected to throw herself into Brad’s arms during introductions. I suppose it was designed to be a romantic, sweep me off my feet type of thing. The end result was more like a frat boy inspired cannonball. When all is said and done, Brad will get laid a ton and we’ll all surely be entertained. With a disclaimer like this one… anyone gets hurt, it’s all on them. They might as well just call it ‘The Bachelor, Gang Bang Edition.’ All I know is that I’m headed over to Target to get some Vampire fangs, a pair of ruby slippers and a ball waxing kit. It’s going to be a great weekend. I can feel it.