16
Aug
16

How to avoid being catfished

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Guys, I caught one! 

I had a pretty scary situation arise recently as a result of online dating, but was fortunately able to avoid the possibility of my head ending up in the freezer next to a quart of rocky road ice cream. I’m very vigilant when it comes to online suitors, and rightly so. You can’t take for granted that the person on the other end is who they claim to be. Hell… Some of them may not even qualify as people at all. I’ll give you a brief recap of my most recent scenario (there have been quite a few) and then give you some tips on how to avoid being Catfished on the Internet. At the very least, it may give you some peace of mind.

I began corresponding with a guy we’ll call Tom online (it’s irrelevant since he picked the name out of a hat). He was super witty and charming and said all the right things. I really looked forward to our chats and was agreeable to meeting him after about two weeks of delightful banter. I met him on Bumble, so I was a little curious as to why we had no mutual connections when we lived in the same city. That was my first red flag and I mentioned it in passing, with no real response from him. He just laughed it off. I decided it was worth my time to run a reverse phone # search to see what name the number was registered in. Guess what? It was a name I’d never heard of before. I plugged the name into Google and came back with a Facebook page. The page used the same pictures as “Tom’s” profile, so I knew it was probably the same person.
Here’s where the story takes a dark turn. I wondered what else he was hiding. In order to create a fake Bumble account, you first need to create a fake Facebook or Instagram account to connect with for verification purposes. Why would anyone do that? I found my answer soon enough. After a quick search on the Clerk of Courts website, I was alarmed to find the following terms beside his name: RAPE, Aggravated assault and kidnapping. Sprinkle in a little “state mandated HIV test” and we have someone who probably isn’t a desirable companion. I fully understand that there are instances where someone may be falsely accused, but it is NEVER acceptable to bait someone with a fake identity and attempt to get that person to meet you for drinks. NEVER. Got it?
Through my experiences, I’ve compiled a list of things you can look for or sources you can utilize if you feel that something isn’t right. I believe that a lot of us fail to see things sometimes because the fairytale is more enchanting than the thought of stumbling upon a mugshot. Your safety should be your primary concern.
1) The profile picture speaks volumes. If there isn’t a picture at all, immediately disregard the person on the other end. If he tells you that the site wouldn’t let him upload one, you know that’s a load of crap, right? If that person is really that dumb, do you want to meet him anyways? If he tells you he’ll gladly send you multiple pics using the KIK messenger app, DON’T DO IT! If you can’t risk the temptation, strap on a helmet because you’re about to be involved in what feels like a paint ball game, except using penises. Do you like penis paintball? If so, carry on. There’s also a 98% chance that this guy is married to someone else and doesn’t respect the universe enough to use Ashley Madison, instead of invading the “single people” dating sites.
2) Is the profile picture too good to be true? Well… That’s because it’s probably an Australian underwear model’s bio pic. Take that bad boy and drop it into Google images, using the reverse google images options. This will show you everywhere the photo has been used on the Internet. It’s also useful if someone is abusive and you’d like to know his real identity. I once had a prominent East Side dentist absolutely terrified that I’d post his disgusting sexual overtures to a stranger on his practice’s Facebook page, right next to the giant molar with a smiley face that was his mascot. There are also a variety of apps you can use on your cell phone, such as Reversee, but I find these less reliable.

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You model for Abercrombie?

3) I recommend using sites that use a verification tool through Facebook or Instagram or a paid site. This doesn’t eliminate fake profiles, by any means, but it’s less horrible. If you sign up for Plenty of Fish or OK Cupid, please don’t be surprised when 60% of the profiles are fake. I’m pretty sure this is how they pass the time in prison. Anyone can send you a message on these sites, and I prefer to hand pick who I communicate with. At least with Tinder and Bumble, you can see mutual connections. If he runs around with decent people, he’s probably less likely to be a cad. You can also get a full name by searching it under one of your mutual friend’s list of Facebook friends.
4) Reverse phone # lookup is something I swear by. It’s not foolproof, but it’s definitely helpful. There are a number of free search options, but they don’t typical return great results on cell phone numbers. I use stumpthemonkey.com almost exclusively. It may be the best relationship I have found online, now that I think about it. They will credit you back for any search that does not come back with a name. You may get a business phone number, which is swell because that means he has a job. Jackpot!
I’ve used “he” in this article, simply because that’s who I’m dealing with in my online dabblings. Let the record reflect that it could just as easily be a “she” being deplorable on dating sites. It may sound a little over the top, but I’d rather not be dismembered anytime soon, so I’m completely OK with being a bit nuts when it comes to my personal safety. Hopefully, some of you find this information useful, because God forbid we all have to get back out there and meet people face to face.
15
Aug
16

Is your online dating profile pic the worst? 

 

Online dating has always been pretty fascinating to me, mostly because you have the opportunity to people watch from the comfort of your own couch with a bottle of wine. Let me say this… There is a LOT to see. I’m not going to pretend I’m an expert here. The fact that I’m single with two cats will back that up. However, I’ve certainly learned a lot during my time served.

I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve stumbled across a profile and wondered what the guy could have possibly been thinking while setting it up. There are times I’ve practically dislocated my wrist while swiping left to avoid some of these profiles. After much thoughtful discussion with some of my girlfriends, I have come to the conclusion that perhaps they simply don’t know what women consider bizarre or abhorrent online behavior. Well, friends… I’m here to help.
I prefer sites such as Tinder and Bumble, where mutual acceptance drives the experience. You have to get past the initial impression before any messages are exchanged. This is where I essentially become an online gardener, heavily armed with my weed-be-gone. In no particular order, I’ll list some of my tips on your profile picture selection to ensure that nobody ever swipes right on you. EVER. Continue with the following, and you might as well change your name to Spam, because you’re headed for the junk bin. I’ve even included some helpful, real life examples taken from a five minute swiping session.

Shadow Man Pic: This is always a good one. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve received messages on OK Cupid from these internet lurkers, which is one of the main reasons I detest that particular site. They always spin some ridiculous tale about how they are super successful in their career and can’t risk people at the office seeing their profile. Oh, sure! I totally get it! By “career”, you mean marriage and by “people at the office”, you mean your wife and kids. They always try to convince you to use KIK messenger, which allows them to anonymously assault you with dick pics without exchanging phone numbers. If you can’t put your face out there like everyone else, we all know it’s because you have no business on a dating site in the first place.

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Anthony is so handsome! 

Car, motorcycle or boat profile pic: Are you a car, motorcycle or a boat? Probably not. Don’t get me wrong, if I had the chance to date some super cool transformer boat/man combo, I’d most likely be on board (literally, because he’d be a boat) However, when you use inanimate objects as your main profile pic, you devalue your self worth along with mine. Do you really want a woman who’s only in it for your material possessions? In my opinion, it screams insecurity. If I want to find a great deal on a car, I’ll visit autotrader.com, not Tinder.

Child or animal profile pic: Are you a Doberman or a seven year old boy? Why is it so hard to have a picture of yourself as your main photo? I totally get it if you love your dog, cat, kid or iguana. You’re supposed to love them. It honestly just creeps me out when I’m swiping through endless pics of shirtless douchebags and happen upon Johnny Jr’s tee-ball pic or a dog in a Halloween costume.

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Matthew looks a little young 

Where’s Waldo pics: I love guessing games, but if I have to try to photo-hunt you in a group picture from your matching shirt, Smith family reunion, that’s no longer a fun game for me. A picture of your golf foursome, your wedding party (that really happens) or anything else requiring a CSI team to determine who you are, is discouraged. It’s really a simple equation. There should be exactly one human in your profile picture. One HUMAN. Got it?
Ridiculous Filters: Are you IDGAF guy on Tinder? I don’t know how anyone would think this is a well executed plan. I don’t need a guy to give all the Fs, but I find it hard to believe that none of the Fs are available to be given. Seriously… Maybe a handful of Fs? It’s not a smart move. It’s also Ill advised to use filters regarding your political affiliation, especially this election year. I don’t care who you’re voting for, but if you feel the need to announce it before we’ve even said hello, then I know you’re probably a lunatic.
Sunglasses: We all look infinitely cooler in sunglasses. In fact, I’m wearing mine right now. It’s acceptable to have one sunglasses pic, but if you’re wearing them in every one, it’s impossible to tell what you really look like. I’d be almost certain you were hiding something… Like a third eye. Once I see your face, feel free to rock the motorcycle cop look as you see fit.
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Oh Bill, you silly SOB

Goofy pics: Someone at some point in time probably told you that women love funny men. I would 100% agree with that statement. Any idea where the perfect place to showcase that would be? I’ll tell you this much, it’s NOT by putting a lampshade on your head or pretending a fountain is your urine stream. That makes you look like an idiot. Instead, try crafting a witty written portion of your profile.

Hopefully, some of you will find this information helpful. I was planning to include shirtless guy, gym rat selfie guy, and “look at all my bitches” guy who has an ex girlfriend in every picture, but I think we can all agree that we’re best served knowing that information up front. If they stopped doing that, we risk accidentally going out with one of them.

Happy Swiping XOXO

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20
Jun
16

The Championship.

​And just like that… Life as a Cleveland sports fan has forever changed. After 52 years of heartbreak and tragedy given ominous one word monikers: The Drive, The Shot, The Fumble, the Decision, we can now add the long awaited, THE CHAMPIONSHIP! It may be difficult to understand what this means to the city of Cleveland, but I’m going to attempt to put it into words. 

As Clevelanders, we work hard, play hard and feel even harder. We’ve been conditioned to believe that we are somehow cursed or jinxed. Why are sports that important, you may ask? Personally, I can testify to the fact that sports have gotten me through some of the darkest points of my life. It can be such a welcome distraction when things aren’t going your way. It builds bonds between parents and their children, friends, colleagues and even strangers. It brings people together who may otherwise have no commonalities. Our sports teams are conversation starters… Good or bad. We love our teams. This intense love has provided us with some pretty crushing blows over the years. When you love that deeply, you’re bound to get hurt. 

In 1997, when the Indians lost the World Series in 11 innings, I felt like something horrible was done to me personally. I’m not sure it gets more personal than boxing up the championship tees that nobody inside the US would ever see. I distinctly remember the sound of the tape dispenser. It sounded like it was mocking me, “not this time, Cleveland. Not this time.” Real despair is crying into a box of “almost champions” tees. The salt of my tears was likely FedEx’d to a third world country along with Chad Ogea’s hopes and dreams. He would have been World Series MVP. Poor SOB. 

Our disappointment is legendary. I’ll freely admit that the closer we came to this championship, the more afraid I became. Sweet Jesus, what was going to go wrong this time? Is tragedy lurking around the corner? What would they call said tragedy? I tried to keep a positive attitude, but as someone who’s all too mindful of the past hurt, it was easier said than done. Part of me expected the Cavs to lose at the buzzer in game 7, on a shot made by former Cavalier fan favorite, Anderson Varejao. 
Then, something amazing happened… We didn’t! LeBron James and the Cleveland Cavaliers delivered the first championship that a lot of us have experienced in our lifetimes. I can only speak for myself, but I had no idea what I was supposed to do. The emotions hit me fast and hard as I cried genuine tears of joy. I hugged a metric shit ton of strangers and high fived until my high fiving hand hurt. I high fived at least two babies and a police horse, if memory serves me correctly. There was no divide between race, age or gender. We all came together as one to celebrate our city. I’m hoping there’s no video circulating of the spontaneous street dance-off I may have been involved in. I did not win, for the record. 

I looked on in disbelief as my city exhibited the purest level of joy I’ve ever witnessed. I realize there’s no handbook for championship celebration, but I did learn that there are a couple of things that must just be natural reaction because it seemed fairly widespread. 1) Men take their shirts off at night for no apparent reason. It certainly wasn’t to showcase their physiques. Championships make pesky shirts seem like a bad idea, apparently. 2) People exhibit an extreme disregard for vehicular safety. It seems that championship rides are executed outside of the vehicle. If you’re not sitting on top of a moving car, you damn sure better be hanging out the window. Thankfully, there is an unspoken “Click it or ticket” exemption when you are the champions of the world. 3) It’s required that you sing Queen’s “We are the Champions” and sway in unison with sweaty, beer soaked strangers. 

Now, that I know all of this, I’m much more prepared for the next Cleveland Championship. The Indians are in first place, you know! Also, if ESPN is listening, I think we’re ready to film the next 30 for 30 documentary. Picture this… “Believeland 2, The Musical” 

Party on, Cleveland! 

24
Apr
16

Pee Party at Target!

I know this will come as a shock, but I have an opinion about something. As I was scrolling through my Facebook feed tonight, I happened upon some posts regarding a petition to boycott Target based on their willingness to let transgender individuals use the public restroom of their choosing. All I can say is that I really hope every one of the idiots who make this promise stay true to their word. I want some sort of pinky swear oath that this is a sincere movement. How glorious would that be? There’s a way to get all of the bigoted, simple-minded A-holes completely out of Target? Jackpot! Why didn’t we think of this sooner? This is the best news I’ve heard in ages.

I’m going to take a minute to try and understand the mentality of these people. Please bear with me, because I’m not fluent in bigotry and unacceptance of our fellow man. What I’m gathering here is that there’s a fear that allowing transgendered people who identify as female (but possess a penis)  into a women’s restroom will likely make the Target bathroom pedophilia rate skyrocket. I couldn’t find the current data, but I’m sure your local police department probably has documentation on the enormous number of such crimes. I mean, obviously all people who were born male, but identify as female are out to rape society’s youth in public restrooms, right? That makes perfect sense! I’m not an expert, but I’m willing to bet that these folks have been using those bathrooms all along. Oh, the horror! Your children have been precariously close to being diddled at Target for YEARS! Gasp! I’m sure the probability of being in the Target bathroom at precisely the same time as a transgendered person is overwhelmingly huge.

The bathroom bouncers clearly weren’t doing their jobs effectively. There should be an active penis screening upon entry to any public urination station. Wait… There aren’t bathroom bouncers? How can that be? Are you telling me that literally ANYONE can walk into the Target bathroom undetected at any given time? Well, that’s just crazy talk. What are we going to do about all the pedophiles wearing pants with goatees strolling into women’s bathrooms? I can only imagine that’s a huge problem as well.
I have an outlandish idea… Just hear me out. What if we all commit to being responsible parents and don’t let our young children enter public facilities unattended? I know that sounds ludicrous, but it just may work. This will stop the rash of transgender bathroom molestations once and for all. Do you know ONE person who’s experienced something like that? I’m confident that’s equatable to knowing someone who received some of Zuckerberg’s Facebook inheritance a few months back.
I am personally super excited for all of these people to immediately start hanging out in Wal-Mart bathrooms. The last time I was in one of those, I think I saw a goat. I didn’t make a big stink over it because I’m sure there’s probably a goat policy that really isn’t any of my business. Who am I to ruin that goat’s day? He or she (I didn’t ask) wasn’t hurting anyone. Kudos to Target for your inclusion policies. I applaud your efforts to make our communities a little less hateful. Who wants to meet me at Target to pee? We can get Starbucks first!
24
Apr
16

Dear Beyoncé 

I’ve always been rather inspired by you. You’re strong, success driven and undeniably beautiful. I watched your Lemonade videos and I identified with you on a very personal level. I felt every ounce of your pain. It made you very human in my eyes. I felt connected to you through the relationship ups and downs we all experience. I was impressed by your bravery when it came to exposing cracks in your own foundation. Thank you for that. 

I wanted to believe we were the same… Had common ground. That’s what I teach my daughter. We’re all just human beings, running the rat race. However, tonight you showed me that you don’t view things the same way. You implicitly made this about the power of black women. Granted, I’m not a black woman, but I’ve spent a great deal of my time as a parent ensuring that my daughter doesn’t even have a fleeting thought like that. She’s ten years old, and one of her dearest friends, Samaya is a black girl. I can promise you that she has no idea that’s different. Or important. I can only hope your message doesn’t change that for them. I didn’t think you and I were all that different… Until today. 

I’m all for empowerment, Beyoncé. I believe that women should be strong. I believe that people should be true to their heritage or religion… Or whatever else is important to them. I guess I just don’t understand why we can’t do that collectively, as human beings. I can tell you this, if Samaya were to decide to empower herself as strong and black vs just being a great kid, hearts would be wounded. Your project was absolutely amazing. The music, the heart wrenching lyrics and overall presentation was undeniably fantastic. I’m just having trouble with the fact that it’s 2016 and we can’t just view people as people. 

20
Apr
16

The Least Horrible Dating Site

I’ve dabbled in online dating over the years, and obviously nothing has panned out yet. I’m currently sitting on my couch covered in cat hair, clutching a pint glass full of Chardonnay. Don’t let that stop you from taking some of the following advice based on my recent experiences with five online dating sites. I’ll put the disclaimer out up front… Everyone is different. You may LOVE some of the awfulness I describe. Who knows? I’m going to rate this backwards, so the least terrible site will be sitting pretty at #1.

#5- OK Cupid
This is where all of the internet’s horrifying people lie in wait. There isn’t any verification process on this site, so if I want to pretend to be a Victoria’s Secret model, your Aunt Mary or the right fielder for the LA Dodgers… It’s all good. As a subscriber, you are blindly trusting that the person on the other side is who they claim to be. This cloak of anonymity creates some monstrous behavior, as I’m sure you can imagine. There is a huge contingency of 20 somethings just dying to get you on KIK so they can bombard you with penises. Next thing you know, you’re dodging dicks like they’re being shot with a bow and arrow. I’m including an actual profile picture from OK Cupid, which encapsulates anything youFullSizeRender (1) need to know. It’s worth noting that this particular gent had not one, but THREE shirtless, no-head pictures on his profile. The worst part? They are clearly three different bodies. I’m pretty good at that photo-hunt game where you spot the differences, and these are three distinctly different sets of nipples. This site also has a very large selection of shadow man profiles. You know what I’m talking about… The guy who can’t upload a picture because of his super successful career. Suuuuurrre! I’m sure that’s exactly why you’re unable to publicly be on a dating site. I wonder how Mrs. shadow man feels about this. It’s a free site and people can get pretty vulgar. I would avoid it at all costs unless you’re a 20 year old man looking to sling some dick pics at unsuspecting strangers for fun.
#4- Happn
I really wanted to like this one, even though it sounded borderline stalkerish to me. The basic principle is that when two people on the app “cross paths”, you’ll be able to see their profile. There doesn’t seem to be a whole lot of activity in my hometown of Cleveland. I attended both the Indians and Cavs games on Sunday and only came up with two hits. 40,000 people and TWO are on this app? Those odds aren’t very good. I did have one dapper guy show up on my feed five times recently.  I’m fairly confident that he’s my mailman. Some of the activity made me uncomfortable. For example, I supposedly “crossed paths” with someone at 4:15 am on Monday morning. I can assure you that I have not seen 4 am in many years. How am I crossing paths with someone as I’m sleeping? Is he outside my window? Is he banging one of my neighbors? I may have my locks changed, just in case. Honestly, the whole thing is just flat out creepy and I’m afraid I’ll have to move or get a new job if someone ends up popping up on my feed once too many. It’s more like a warning than anything else… Hey, watch out. This weirdo is around you a LOT.
#3- Match
Oh, I know what you’re thinking. It’s a paid site, so it has to be better, right? I think Match cornered the market on dating sites right out of the gate, but I’m all but convinced this is where people go to die. It’s a safe environment and I 100% believe that most people are looking for a serious relationship. However, I feel like they are looking to add water and sprout an instant relationship. This site feels extremely lonely to me. My suitors were largely 55+ and would send messages daily, regardless if there was a response. If I sent a polite “I’m not interested” reply after 10 unrequited messages, it wasn’t good enough. They’d insist that I tell them why. Seriously, what’s going on here? Did your cholesterol screening come back high? Is your prostate enlarged? What is so urgent about immediately falling in love? It’s not for me, mostly because I plan to live for an extended period of time.
#2- Tinder
This may surprise some of you, due to the reputation as a hook-up site. Granted, there are an immeasurable number of douchebags on this site, but it’s also super easy to weed them out and only deal with who you want. You have to link Tinder to Facebook or Instagram, so it’s a little harder to generate a fake profile. I like being able to see mutual connections as a safety net. Also, you get to decide who is allowed to communicate with you. I’ll be honest, I almost dislocated my wrist swiping left, but every now and again you find one that may be worth your time. Have you ever shopped at TJ Maxx or Marshall’s? It’s essentially the same idea. You have to dig through a lot of crap before you find something appealing, but it’s probably worth it. If you get a bunch of douchebags on Tinder, it’s probably completely your fault. Realistically, all you have to do in left swipe on the following… 1) Anyone not wearing a shirt, 2) Anyone wearing a very small (sized SMedium) shirt while flexing and taking a mirror selfie at the gym, 3) Anyone with a boat, car or motorcycle as one of their pics. It’s really that easy.
#1- Bumble
Congratulations, Bumble for being the least horrible dating site I’ve experienced. It’s a relatively new platform and definitely has some flaws, but let’s focus on what I like first. Like Tinder, you have control of who you communicate with and can see mutual connections on other social media sites. The woman is empowered with the first contact. You have 24 hours to send a message to your connection. If you don’t… You lose. I’ve always rolled my eyes at the lame, thoughtless messages I’ve received from men on these sites. Now that I’m in the driver’s seat, I realize that it’s not easy. I’m still selective with my swiping, but I’m finding that the success rate has been much higher with the role reversal. I NEVER send the first message. The problem? There are a huge number of fake profiles. They aren’t catfish profiles, however. They are obviously bait. Bumble creates perfect profiles to get your interest, without a doubt. There’s absolutely no way that many perfect looking Drs and attorneys who also model on the weekends live in Cleveland. Not one of them share any mutual friends with me, which certainly sends up a red flag. It can be a little disheartening when the cyber-bots don’t like you back. A male friend confided that he didn’t care for the site because “hot women don’t like me”. I had to assure him that imaginary hot women are the ones who are indifferent. 

I’m fully aware that the perfect man probably won’t materialize while I’m on my couch watching ‘Boy Meets World’ reruns with my cat, Topanga (that’s really my cat’s name), but I do believe that online dating can work. For the love of God, just don’t try to do five sites at once. XOXO

P.S. Linkedin still isn’t a dating site, so just stop, for the love of God. 

03
Apr
16

Ipsy Glam Monster

Torture Mask

Beauty is hard

I have a serious problem. It all started about six months ago when I decided on a whim to subscribe to Ipsy. Sounds harmless enough, right? I honestly had no idea how little I knew about makeup or anything else beauty related at all. I started getting all this great random stuff that I didn’t even know existed! I took it as a challenge to use each and every product, whether I thought it made sense or not. I can’t lie… I had to Google 90% of it. I decided this was a wise choice after I used a gold eyeshadow crayon as lipstick. For the record, it did NOT look good. Eyeshadow as a crayon? When did THIS happen?

I’ve had a face my entire life, and yet clearly had no idea what I was supposed to be doing with it. Two of my favorite things so far have been a Smashbox primer and a collagen mask by Global Beauty Care. Did you guys know you’re supposed to prime your face before you paint it with makeup, like a god-damn wall? What? Why didn’t anyone ever tell me that when I was younger? “Hey, Jen… You really should consider throwing a little spackle on that face of yours.” I would have been super hot! Now, we’re dealing with a wall with more than its fair share of imperfections. It’s like a wall in an apartment building that has had nails repeatedly hammered into it. At the end of the day, my little tube of miracle primer makes quite a bit of difference in the appearance of my face/wall.
As far as the collagen mask, I was pretty apprehensive at first. I was fairly certain I was going to suffocate and die. I’d hate for that to be the way I go out, considering I looked absolutely ridiculous and the responding paramedics would undoubtedly be sexy. It was a super slimy feeling mask and the mouth hole was impressively small. Who do they think has a tiny mouth like that? It’s more like a beak sized hole than a human mouth hole. Thank the lord I had straws for my wine. There’s no way I could have made it through 20 minutes of that torture without the comfort of Chardonnay. I’m pretty sure that’s what it’s like to be waterboarded. I would have told you anything you wanted to know at that point. As I peeled it off, I realized my face had never felt that amazing! After you rub the collagen residue in, you’re left with this super refreshed and tightened up feeling. How did I live without you, torture mask?
After a few glam bag deliveries, I decided to launch myself directly down the rabbit hole. I started following Marie Claire, Cosmo, Makeup Geek and any other entity which may offer me tips. I started hanging out at Ulta far too often. There may be a restraining order… I’m really not sure. I’ve done unreasonable things, such as purchasing a curling iron that cost $130. It doesn’t even automatically curl your hair for you! You still have to do all the work. However, the results are pretty amazing and it comes with a hot pink curling glove that makes me feel pretty bad-ass. I love you, Sultra Bombshell!

Bad-ass curling glove

Bad-ass curling glove

I suddenly find it impossible to pass up any article titled, “7 must know makeup hacks” or anything along the same vein. I mean, to my credit it does say MUST know. It’s not as if it’s simply a suggestion. I also listen to pretty much everything Kylie Jenner has to say these days. She told me to put scotch tape ON MY FACE to get a great cat-eye look and I didn’t even hesitate. I had tape all over my face in a matter of minutes. In the past 24 hours I’ve also put coconut oil and honey on my head, secured under a Giant Eagle bag. Kylie didn’t tell me that one, but I’m sure she just forgot to mention it. If she made a You-Tube tutorial suggesting that I dip my legs in kerosene and light a match in lieu of shaving, I’d probably be on board. My Ipsy bag should be arriving soon and I can’t wait to see what this Glam Monster will be getting next!
P.S. Kylie, if you’re available… Could you tweet me what color lipstick is appropriate for a baseball game. In Cleveland. In the snow? I’ve got big plans tomorrow.



About the Broad

A humorous look at dating in your mid-thirties and the other hilarious things that happen around us on a daily basis.

September 2016
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