Dating Non-Negotiables


As a service, I have created a list of things that should be considered non-negotiable in the world of dating in your thirties… really any adult should have these basic things mastered. If you are a woman, please read this and follow it religiously. If you are a man and any of these bullet points apply to you, please use this to your advantage and get your shit together for the love of God! If you are married, file it in the back of your mind for future use. Let’s face it…divorce rates are sky-rocketing, my friends. Also, you might be able to help out some poor clueless bastard along the way.

• Must live independently of your wife and/or mother. Mother-in-law suites on property owned by a parent or grandparent are not exempt. Refurbished garage living space is also unacceptable unless it is equipped with indoor plumbing and adequate insulation to sustain cold Cleveland winters.
• Must be able to present a valid Ohio driver’s license, proof of insurance and motor vehicle registration (preferably, said motor vehicle would be restricted to the car and/or truck variety). Mopeds, Vespas, or anything with a sidecar will be vetoed. Grandma’s Hoveround or any other motorized device manufactured by Home Medic also does not qualify. Vans of all varieties are generally discouraged Mini-Vans are typically reserved for soccer moms. Non-descript, white pedophile/rape vans are a no-go for obvious reasons. No party plates.
• Must be able to provide proof of Medical and Dental insurance. There is never an excuse for missing teeth that remain in that condition in excess of 48 hours. I reserve the right to revoke the 48 hr grace period if the missing teeth are the result of a bar fight at an establishment that doesn’t take credit cards and only serves beer. No voluntary gold and/or ‘bling’ of any kind will be tolerated.
• Must be able to provide W2s or comparable documentation from the IRS that proves that you are a contributing member of society. If you are currently unemployed, please retain copies of your unemployment records for my review. You must apply for a minimum of three legitimate jobs each week. Access to your password on http://www.simplyhired.com would be sufficient verification.
• You are subject to review on search engines such as Google and Yahoo. Your name will also be cross-referenced with pedophile websites such as http://www.familywatchdog.com and the past three seasons of Dateline’s ‘To Catch A Predator’ on DVD.
• Board of Corrections websites will also be investigated. Crimes not related to traffic infractions are most likely unacceptable.
• Basic home furnishings are a requirement. No milk crate coffee tables, cinder blocks as a bed frame or mini frat boy fridges are to be tolerated. Must have fully operational heat and electricity. Space heaters or bon-fires as your primary source of warmth are not acceptable. As romantic as candles may be, wired electricity is a rigid requirement. No interruption in service will be tolerated unless it is the result of severe weather advisories or other forms of natural disasters. Choosing to live like a ‘Survivor’ contestant without the possibility of a million dollar pay-out is frowned upon in most circles.
• Please print this form and sign it in triplicate in the presence of a notary for consideration as a candidate.


4 Responses to “Dating Non-Negotiables”

  1. 1 E
    August 9, 2009 at 10:17 pm

    I think the dating non-negotiables are dead on. I’d also have to add looking like the opposite sex that you in fact are. Androgeny is not a turn on for most. I probably spelled that wrong, but you get my point.

  2. 2 torq132
    August 9, 2009 at 11:35 pm

    It seems to me that many of dating non-negotiable bullet points would apply to those male prospects in their 20’s. If you are considering one in his 30’s or beyond, you are probably wasting your time. Men take forever to grow up anyway (although many of us never do),good luck. Very funny though.

  3. August 10, 2009 at 8:10 am

    Bahahaha…..too funny, you are hysterical, even if you are my sister 🙂

  4. August 13, 2009 at 8:01 pm

    I see now… Very interesting… Right on…Explains a lot… Well one more: I have to agree guys do not grow up (F>>>>> LOVE BEING A MAN)

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About the Broad

A humorous look at dating in your mid-thirties and the other hilarious things that happen around us on a daily basis.

August 2009
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