The Broad’s Side of… Texting

Basically, a lot has changed since the last time I was single. One huge development is the introduction of texting to the dating repertoire. I like to think I’m adaptable, so I jumped right in a tried to be a trooper. My first bad experience happened when I attempted to reconnect with a dude that was clearly best left in my past. We went on a lunch date, which is obviously about as non-committal as a guy can get. He’s only locked into about an hour of time and $8-$12. The only thing worse (and cheaper) is meeting for coffee. In this particular instance, I’m pretty sure he was just scoping out whether I had gotten enormous or grown a moustache since the last time he saw me. If I turned out to be a monster, he could throw a quick burger down my throat and run for the nearest exit. As it turns out, he didn’t think I was a comparable to a creature straight from the murky waters of Loch Ness. We made a mutual decision to go out again and everything seemed to be relatively normal. The next day I received an unsolicited sexually explicit text message from this idiot. It’s bad enough to get one of those at 10am from a guy who apparently thinks upgrading to the bacon cheese fries entitles him to some action… The worst part is that he misspelled a fairly derogatory word describing the female anatomy. That’s right, He omitted an ‘S’ from the always popular ‘P’ word. My response read something like this… ‘Thanks for the burger. You’re gross. If u can’t spell it, u shouldn’t be allowed near one ever again’. I have very little tolerance for bad grammar and spelling errors, which is a huge issue. Previously, I had no clue what terrible spellers I dated. It’s not like I asked for writing samples. Texting brings that problem to the forefront. In my opinion, there’s definitely a time and a place for the racy Sext message, which leads me to my next example.

A good friend of mine also found herself back in the trenches after 15 dateless years. She was introduced to a guy that seemed harmless enough. They had many e-mail and text exchanges and he demonstrated a fair amount of intelligence and a decent sense of humor. Then, he made this poorly thought out decision. He sent a picture of his junk with the caption ‘who wants to take a ride?’ to her blackberry. Unfortunately for him, this happened in the presence of several women. I could tell by the way the color drained out of my friend’s face that something frightening had just occurred. She passed me the phone and we all stared at the unit in disbelief. My friend decided that it looked pretty impressive, but camera angle can be a tricky thing, as we soon realized. This jackass wasn’t sharp enough to remove his thumb from the frame. I replied on her behalf, “Next time keep your thumb out of the pic. Scale is everything”. Unless you are prepared to have that picture shown to the bartender, and essentially everyone else within a 3 mile radius…don’t do it. I suggested uploading it to Facebook and tagging him so that it would be prominently displayed for his 300+ friends to see. This act of utter stupidity earned this guy the nickname ‘Thumbelina’. Your first exposure to a potential suitor’s manhood should not be via picture message. I can’t believe that needs clarification, but I feel that it’s a public service to put that out there. Pass it on.

My last example involves some serious savvy on my part. I’m really trying to step outside of my comfort zone and prove that I have the potential to be sexy and spontaneous. I had been dating someone for a pretty solid stretch and was out enjoying some libations with some friends. I decided that it would be an amazing idea to take a cleavage shot and send it off with some really inappropriate comments, such as ‘here’s a little something to get you started’. Imagine my horror when I received a response that said ‘WTF is wrong with u???’ Huh? Are you kidding me? My cans are fantastic, and to add insult to injury I got the triple question mark! My ego took a serious hit and I sat there pondering when men stopped being boob fans. Just then, I received a follow up text instructing me to open the attachment I sent. Apparently, Miller lt forced me to inadvertently send image .023 instead of .032. It was an adorable picture of my three year old in her bathing suit at the water park. I guess I should be grateful that I didn’t get a response that affirmed how sexy the picture was. “Thanks, that was a real nut buster”, or something to that effect. I’m actually kind of relieved that I didn’t fall on the opposite end of the spectrum. I just as easily could have sent a picture message of my rack to my grandmother with the caption “Aww… How cute!” The basic message here is to be careful. Your phone can turn into a weapon of mass destruction with little or no notice. Be responsible and try to refrain from texting while drinking…someone could get hurt or your member could end up in a Craig’s list ad for penile enhancement.


2 Responses to “The Broad’s Side of… Texting”

  1. 1 K
    August 14, 2009 at 12:17 am

    Is this the evolution of the drunk dial?

  2. 2 torq132
    August 14, 2009 at 12:30 am

    After all these years, are you surprised at anything! Really, sometimes you give guys way too much credit. I know you think they’re hot and all that, but think about who your dealing with. Guys always say how unpredictable women are. That is very true. We are typically, very predictable, and the cell phone is just a new technological way for us to screw up. Don’t test us….in most cases, we will fail miserably. Oh, and by the way, you are correct….your cans are simply fantastic!

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About the Broad

A humorous look at dating in your mid-thirties and the other hilarious things that happen around us on a daily basis.

August 2009
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