The Broad’s Side Of… The Single’s Scene

Let’s be honest…it’s a complete disaster out there. There are all kinds of websites attempting to advise and encourage the ‘desperately seeking’ sector of society. I don’t pretend to have a clue what I’m doing, but I do know that the suggestion to sit alone at the front table in a coffee shop offering cheery salutations to everyone that enters is pathetic. ‘Be sure not to bring any distractions like a laptop or a book since this makes you appear unapproachable’ is the genius offering of some idiot match-maker. Actually, Einstein it makes you look certifiably insane. At that point, you might as well be muttering to yourself and asking for spare change. If I wanted to be a Wal-Mart greeter, I would be. No thanks; I take my coffee with cream, hold the restraining order.

The next bullshit suggestion is finding a date at the grocery store somewhere between the dairy case and the frozen food section. If a man saunters up to me at the Giant Eagle, it’d better be to ask “which way to the beer aisle?” I don’t even particularly want eye contact when I’m grocery shopping. I find that if you strategically place a pack of diapers in your cart it provides you with a cloak of invisibility of sorts from men on the prowl. I once had a brief conversation with some turd who made an excuse to ask me a question. Most likely, he was searching for the location of the Coinstar machine. I couldn’t help notice the Tabasco sauce/Preparation H combo he was proudly wheeling around. You can’t get much sexier than that. How would you even start that conversation? “Oh, I see that hot sauce really makes your rhoids flare up too!”

I feel like I need to address the obvious… online dating options. Jesus, please don’t fall for the illusion that men are EVER looking for the same thing out of the deal. Men do online dating sites to get laid. PERIOD. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not judging at all. I think it’s actually a brilliant ploy. Now that there’s free sites such as PlentyOfFish.com, men can actually scope out the local women prior to hitting the bars for free! With any luck, they recognize some broads from their profile pictures. They now have a gage on the level of desperation. This comes directly from the source… pig men passed this information along to me. I’m not saying that it’s impossible to meet someone on E-Harmony or a comparable site, what I’m saying is that you’d better be great in the sack if you expect it to happen. For the love of God, if you do choose to go this route, don’t freely divulge that tidbit to every member of the opposite sex you stumble upon.

My friend Melanie and I went out for a happy hour a while back, and the really attractive guy sitting next to her started chatting her up. At first, his social awkwardness was almost charming. He must have told her how much he liked meatball sandwiches about a dozen times. I’m not even sure we were discussing menu options at the time, but the dude was clearly passionate about meatballs. I figured if that was his lead-off, the conversation was bound to get better. He chose to toss out the classic, ‘Do you come here often?’ He then went on to explain that he’d been to this particular watering hole once before for a speed-dating session that went horribly wrong. Evidently, the two minute time commitment was too much for any of the ladies to tolerate. It must have felt like being trapped underwater. This stud then turns the topic to his match.com profile and how nobody will respond to his e-mails, no matter how many times he repeatedly cyber stalks these women. I suddenly found myself wishing there was some sort of real life Spam filter where you could automatically have douchebags like this converted to your junk file. He followed us to the bar next door, un-invited so Melanie fled to the women’s restroom. When she didn’t come out, I went in to check on her and she was sobbing uncontrollably screaming ‘THAT’S what’s out there! That is what we have to look forward to!’ I flashed a shiny quarter to distract the mongoloid so Melanie could do her Criss Angel, Mindfreak impersonation. She vanished into thin air and I found myself realizing that I’d rather be sawed in half than spend another minute in the same room with this guy.

The reality of it is that meeting new people is difficult, but it’s part of life. You don’t need to troll the lumber department at Home Depot, join a book club or start hanging out by the ‘Prehistoric Man’ exhibit at the local museum…unless you want to. Don’t start doing bullshit things that aren’t a true representation of who you are. If it’s a toss- up between reading Maya Angelou and a bullet to the brain, and this is a tough call for you…book club might not be your best option. Guess what? If you love football, beer and porn, there’s very likely someone out there with those same interests. They probably just got sidetracked and are hanging out watching the Home Depot guy mix paint by the gallon because some asshole told them it was a great place to meet hotties.


4 Responses to “The Broad’s Side Of… The Single’s Scene”

  1. 1 mrlocario
    August 18, 2009 at 11:34 pm

    wow you can use http://www.mrlocario.com check out the dating motivator page.

  2. 2 Jenny
    August 19, 2009 at 6:34 am

    funny stuff girl!

  3. 3 E
    August 19, 2009 at 9:56 pm

    OMG who would openly admit that nobody is responding to his match.com emails *LoL* IT’s like the dating scene is a scary place but you’re basically out there trying to sell yourself, not destroy any chance of a booty call, let’s be real. We all want a mate at this age…I think. I appreciate a good honest man, don’t get me wrong, but there is such a thing as too much honesty. Never thought I’d say that, but there is.

  4. 4 Geocab
    August 20, 2009 at 5:32 pm

    Hey, I do online dating sites to maybe meet a nice girl do DATE and hopefully find the “one” I connect with. I don’t go into it looking for someone to sleep with.

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About the Broad

A humorous look at dating in your mid-thirties and the other hilarious things that happen around us on a daily basis.

August 2009
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