03
Sep
09

The Broad’s Side of …the Spank Bank

The Urban Dictionary defines a spank bank as: A memorable collection of mental images that one wishes to retain for masturbational purposes. The example they give is as follows… .”yo, 2 o’clock, see that thong?” “yeah, that’s going in the spank bank”. Regardless of whether you choose to admit it or not, most people have a mental porn collection that they reference during moments of self love. If you want to get technical, there are divisions and sub-divisions, possibly even categories if you drill down far enough. There are the ‘file’ references which are recollections of experiences you’ve actually been a part of. Then there’s the fantasy realm which obviously deals with the non-obtainable scenarios such as Carmen Elektra and Pam Anderson fighting over who gets to do you first. I was at lunch with some co-workers one day, and the spank bank topic surfaced. Ok, it was probably me that brought that little nugget into the convo. One of the guys appeared to be surprised that I knew what that was. I explained that I did, in fact, have a keen awareness of the spank bank and that I currently had an opening in my celebrity drilldown category. Heath Ledger’s sudden death left a vacancy. Let’s face it; having a dead dude in your bank is a little creepy.

While we’re on the topic of co-workers, don’t think for a moment that there’s not some type of Top 5 or Top 10 list actively circulating amongst the men in the office. Two of my friends at work broke ‘guy code’ and admitted its existence after about a dozen beers at a sporting event. They were even kind enough to divulge their rankings with a disclaimer that if I was on either list, it would be omitted for discretionary reasons. You learn a lot about someone based on their wish list of office booty. I was involved with a co-worker at the time, because evidently I am borderline retarded and thought that was a good idea. This gem of a guy admits that there is a pretty intricate ranking system in place and seems genuinely upset that I know about it. He then makes this genius move…he tells me that I’m #3 on his list. WTF! You’re openly admitting that there are two other broads in the office that you would prefer to bang? What am I, the god-damn bronze medalist? That’s a surefire way to talk yourself out of a blowjob. He explained how important honesty was in a relationship. Bullshit! When it comes to something like that, lie your ass off and tell me that I’m numbers 1, 2 and 3. Jesus, haven’t you ever told someone you liked their sweater just because you got busted staring at how hideous it was?

Masturbation references and talk of sex toys can put people into some uncomfortable situations. Just ask my mother. When I was about five years old, I was trying to entertain myself because that damn new baby took all of my parents’ attention. Thanks a lot, Jeff. I occupied myself by rummaging through my mom’s dresser and discovering some of the coolest toys I’d ever seen. I found this amazing white rocket ship, but it was boring looking so I painted ‘USA’ on the side in red nail polish to give it some street cred. I also found this awesome hat for Barbie. It was green with all of the spiky things everywhere. It gave my doll an almost Marge Simpson-esqe vibe. Weren’t my grandparents and neighbors surprised when I came running through the living room with Barbie riding on a vibrating dildo with a French tickler condom headpiece! My mom actually peed her pants from embarrassment. Years later I was on a babysitting gig with my younger sister tagging along since it was her best friend’s house. The mother had hit up the Blockbuster for a cinematic treat for us, but there may have been a little wine consumed before the selection was made. In an attempt to rent Melanie Griffith’s romantic comedy, ‘Working Girl’, she somehow got sidetracked and ended up with ‘Working GIRLS’. I’m not sure how the neon porno lights and glory holes didn’t tip her off that she had wandered into another realm. If Melanie Griffith was in that movie, I must have been really distracted by all of the penises. To this day, every time I replenish the paper in the copier, I half expect a surprise ramrod from behind.

My openness and basic lack of a moral compass makes me a great friend for guys. It takes a lot to embarrass me and even more to shock me. I have no qualms about discussing sensitive topics. I was involved in a conversation today with a great friend of mine that revolved around the fact that masturbation is his sole outlet. I commented on redundancy and suggested that maybe he light some candles to more appropriately romance himself. You know…spice it up a little. Make himself feel special and appreciated. His retort was, “I never light candles but sometimes I choke myself to mix it up a little.” I’m about 99% sure that he was kidding, but that extra 1% led me to compose a little ditty to the tune of The Steve Miller Band’s ‘The Joker’. It’s called ‘The Choker’, and I’d like to share it with you now. Please feel free to use it as an anthem of sorts if you’re some kind of deviant.

The Choker
some people call me the space cowboy
some call me the gangster of rub
some people call me a pervert
cause I speak about massaging my chub

people keep talking about me baby
say I’m doing it wrong, doing it wrong
but don’t you worry baby, don’t you worry mama
cause I’m right here right here right here alone

cause I’m a cracker I’m a jacker i’m a lover and I’m a whacker
Pick my lube up off the shelf
I’m a stroker I’m a poker I’m a midnight choker
I sure don’t want to hurt myself

I’m the cutest thing that I ever did see
I really love my peaches want to shake my tree
lovey dovey lovey dovey lovey dovey all the time
Ooo we baby I’ll sure show me a good time

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5 Responses to “The Broad’s Side of …the Spank Bank”


  1. 1 mr. ray
    September 4, 2009 at 1:24 am

    U.S.A…U.S.A…U.S.A.
    BRILLIANT use of Steve Miller!

  2. 2 Geocab
    September 4, 2009 at 2:14 pm

    WTF, Jen! I have to be somewhere, but I had to see that there’s an update here so now I’m late because I can’t NOT look at your postings! Great post again. 🙂

    And I didn’t know about the term Spank Bank, although of course have one.

  3. 3 E
    September 4, 2009 at 11:35 pm

    Ahhh…yes. The Spank Bank. Mine consists mostly of film stars and musicians of course. But there were some random people I actually know in there as well. And now… hm…does it mean you’re in love when you no longer have a bank, but just one “Bill”, if you will?

  4. 5 E
    September 4, 2009 at 11:37 pm

    Now if only you could sing this song at a Karoke bar imitating Buckwheat.Oh yea baby, THAT’S going in my Spank Bank!


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About the Broad

A humorous look at dating in your mid-thirties and the other hilarious things that happen around us on a daily basis.

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