08
Sep
09

The Broad’s Side of Marriage (Darth Vader Edition)

Darth VaderA few years ago, the must-have toy item of the Christmas season happened to be the Darth Vader voice changer mask. Admittedly, it was pretty cool, although nearly impossible to find in local stores. It had this voice box attachment like a tracheotomy recipient might have. It produced a horror movie soundtrack type effect when you spoke into it. If you flipped a switch, the result was a heavy breathing sound that can be best described as part fat guy on a treadmill, part asthmatic teen, with a dash of post coital exasperation for good measure. At the time, I was in management for Target, so I had the inside track on obtaining one without having to deal with the crowds and other bullshit that goes along with the holiday shopping season. That was the only occasion where my employment at Target served any purpose to the masses. 90% of the time, people would feign interest in my career. “Oh, you work at Target? Any good deals on crock pots?” Let’s face it…no one cared. I took my mission very seriously. My nephew wanted that ridiculous mask and was damn sure going to get it. It was very important for me to be the ‘cool aunt’, and this was certainly going to give me the advantage over all the clothes-givers. I couldn’t wait to get it home and wrap it.

The following day, I worked the late shift while my husband tailgated his ass off. Well after the 4th quarter was complete, he left Cleveland Browns Stadium to head home. Evidently, wrapping paper does not provide a sufficient barrier from inquisitive drunk dudes because I arrived home from my fifteen hour shift to find a trail of metallic snowman paper strewn around the house. There was what appeared to be a dead body lying in the middle of the dining room floor. My beagle was sprawled on top of the Braylon Edwards jersey wearing freak with a few red ribbons she had ingested protruding from her ass. I had barely made it in the door when I realized that he was actually wearing the Darth Vader mask, which was now covered in dog hair from the beagle’s apparent CPR attempts. It took about three swift kicks to the ribcage accompanied by some rather stern linguistics before he even budged. As he sat up, it was obvious that he had no idea where he was or that he was not, in fact, Darth Vader.

As he wheezed through the now sweaty headgear, it was as if Renuzit had developed a booze scented electric air freshener. He made no attempt to remove the mask, which had to severely limit his peripheral vision. Instead he uttered these words through the voice enhancing mechanism… “Jen, what is the matter”. It was eerily similar to the James Earl Jones, “Luke, I am your father” intonation. He all of a sudden seemed to get a second wind and began chasing my beagle around the house. What the neighbors witnessed was a 6’5” Pollock running back and forth in front of the picture window doing a really disastrous Darth Vader impersonation. It was like watching the worst Star Wars prequel ever made. You know…the one where Darth goes out and gets shitfaced with his buddies. Didn’t see that one? Must have gone straight to DVD. It’s right next to the one where a young Vader pledges various intergalactic fraternities. Since it’s ill advised to give a five year old a beer flavored face mask, I had to use my Target influence to purchase another one. My ex-husband earned a new toy that day and the neighbors now have a great dinner party story to tell. I’m not really sure who the ‘Force’ was with in this particular scenario, but the neighbors may have come out victorious.

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4 Responses to “The Broad’s Side of Marriage (Darth Vader Edition)”


  1. 1 mr. ray
    September 9, 2009 at 12:06 am

    BRILLIANT…my favorite Jen story EVAH!

  2. 2 Geocab
    September 9, 2009 at 4:22 am

    I beg to differ about this being the worst Star Wars prequel. Did you see the prequels?

    Hard to see why he’s an “ex”.

  3. 3 hp
    September 11, 2009 at 10:02 am

    Does he still have the mask?

    This one is always funny.

    ~~~Your neighbor


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About the Broad

A humorous look at dating in your mid-thirties and the other hilarious things that happen around us on a daily basis.

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