The ‘LeBomb James’ Experiment

Ok…so I’ve finally arrived at the point where I’m capable of discussing the fact that the Cleveland Cavaliers are not 2009 NBA Finals Champions. I’m ready to talk about the night our collective hopes and dreams were shattered (until next year, as all of us Cleveland sports fans have been conditioned to say for the past 45 years). Game 6 of the ECF against the Orlando Magic was a road game, so I found myself pre-gaming at the ‘Clevelander’ in downtown Cleveland before heading over to Quicken Loans Arena to watch the ass-whooping that I hadn’t really envisioned. It was an upbeat crowd that had gathered to toss a few back before tip-off. I was sitting on the patio with a few friends enjoying one of the dozen nice weather days we see per year, when something alarming happened. There were several obnoxious, Varejao wig wearing frat boys near us making a pretty compelling argument for revisiting prohibition. Just when I had figured out how to ignore them, this collection of tools (aka the Toolbox) feels the need to indulge in a prop related shot. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about adding production value to my shooters…just as long as nobody gets hurt. On paper, this particular shot sounds like a brilliant idea. Logistically…not so much. It’s called a ‘LeBomb James’, and there are conflicting reports as to the ingredients. One recipe calls for Crown Royal in honor of LeBron’s ‘King’ moniker, grenadine for the wine, pineapple for the gold, and sprite because evidently LeBron is obligated by sponsorship law to be associated with Sprite. Oh, but the best part is the granulated sugar finale. The goal is to emulate LeBron’s pre-game chalk toss ritual by releasing it into the air as if you were freeing a dove. Why wouldn’t you want to toss a little Splenda into the air after a shot?

Here’s an excellent reason: Eyesight is awesome. There was no warning whistle from the Tool Box that this shot was to be anything other than one of a sugar-free variety. I am busy participating in what I can only assume was captivating conversation when the Sweet ‘n Low assault occurs. This gaggle of douchebags launches the grainy little weapons skyward while chanting MVP, directly into the wind. Needless to say, said granules find their way into my unsuspecting corneas. I can unequivocally say that it’s a fairly painful process. I couldn’t see the public bar high-fives through my stinging retinas, but I could hear them loud and clear. Once my Helen Keller impersonation ended, I became keenly aware of the fact that I was literally coated in sugar. It was in my hair, my nose and unfortunately, my bra. I now know exactly what Mel Gibson meant when he called that police woman ‘Sugar Tits’. Trust me, it’s not a compliment.

We all know how the story ends. Cleveland lost and our boys were making tee times while the Orlando Magic danced around wearing their ECF Champions shirts and hats. As I sat watching it unfold, a single teardrop trickled down my cheek. Strangely, the saccharin wedged into my iris made that tear taste a bit like lemonade. I had never really considered artificial sweeteners a weapon until that day. I stand corrected. I’ve now decided to retire my rape whistle and pepper spray for good. Who needs it? If I’m ever accosted in a dark Cleveland alley, I’ll just start yelling “Cleveland hasn’t won a Championship in over 45 years” and hurl a fistful of Equal into the perpetrator’s eyes.


2 Responses to “The ‘LeBomb James’ Experiment”

  1. May 2, 2010 at 10:47 am

    If its any consolation…I believe they’ll win it this year…and I’m a LONG suffering Clevland Browns fan

    since the early ’60’s

  2. 2 Holzie
    May 2, 2010 at 12:02 pm

    My favorite thus far….loved it, well done;)

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About the Broad

A humorous look at dating in your mid-thirties and the other hilarious things that happen around us on a daily basis.

September 2009
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