15
Oct
09

The Broad’s Side of Lawn Decor

With Halloween fast approaching, there are people all over my neighborhood in Lakewood, OH going full tilt on their lawn displays. Every community has the family that inevitably creates the most obnoxious holiday production for all to bear witness to. They have a regular rotation for every single holiday you can imagine, from Christmas to Flag Day. I consider the official launch of the rotation to be on or around October 1st because this is when my neighbors, Bob and Judy begin their decorative assault. I made an excuse to walk by their house the other day (I don’t even have a dog, so essentially I was walking myself). I was sure that my eyes had been playing tricks on me when I drove by, so I needed some concrete evidence that I had seen things true to form. CSI Lakewood, if you will. The front yard is essentially a Styrofoam tombstone filled clusterfuck with random bats, spiders and pumpkins…because why wouldn’t there be a smiling Jack-O-Lantern in a graveyard? The most disturbing part is definitely the ‘Bob’ headstone. Come to think of it, they DO have a dog, and I haven’t seen Bob walking him in a while. Let me clarify, assuming that he’s not REALLY in the ground… Bob’s kind of old and he’s always whining and complaining about his gall stones, prostate trouble and his myriad of other health problems. Conceivably, he could die any day, so I’m hesitant to find the humor in this front yard prediction of his imminent passing.

Next, we get the distinct pleasure of the Thanksgiving package, which debuts on November 1st. The Jack-O-Lantern gets to hang out for a little longer because technically you could make a pumpkin pie out of him. The giant light-up turkey, Pilgrims and Indians replace the bats and hopefully the Bob headstone at this point. There’s a Plymouth parked in the driveway, which is only appropriate during the month of November. The Pilgrims need someplace to chill when they disembark from the Mayflower. A lot of the ‘characters’ in this Thanksgiving reenactment look a little weathered because Bob and Judy’s favorite thing to do is go ‘Garage Sale-ing”, or possibly even dumpster diving if you ask me. If you toss something decorative, it will find its way onto their lawn without question. That probably explains the Bullwinkle they try to pass off as the Great Thanksgiving Moose. Squanto looks like he’s been through the ringer, which is appropriate because the first un-official Thanksgiving was actually a three day party. Wikipedia will have you believe that they ate a shit-ton of corn and had three-legged races, but I like to imagine that it was more like a three day bender, complete with beer bongs and Pilgrim strippers.

Christmas brings a whole new level of pandemonium. My property value actually takes a hit every year based solely on the freak show Bob and Judy put on. They’ve managed to amass quite a collection of Christmas crap during their many years of life. At last count, there were 6 light- up Wise Men in a varying degree of sizes. It’s not as if there are two sets of wise-men… just random ones they’ve picked up along the way. I’m pretty sure one of them is Hispanic. He’s probably from some sort of Juan Valdez coffee campaign. There’s also no solid theme. Frosty the Snowman is hanging out by the manger, while Mary appears to be getting a little too friendly with Santa #1. You don’t even want to know what Santas #2 and #3 are up to! Rudolph is hanging out of a second story window while the Great Christmas Moose is perched on the front porch with Squanto who’s now wearing a Santa hat. There’s an angel/elf contingent as well, which presents itself as some sort of pygmy gang. This makes the blow-up snow globe neighbor across the street look like Picasso of the Christmas decoration world.

You get the drift… This goes on year round. I must admit, I look forward to Easter because you never know whose yard the blue light-up egg will end up in after a few cocktails. Last year I almost gave up that childish behavior for Lent, but who am I kidding? My neighbors have come to accept this as a fact of life. It’s the same with political campaigns. I love to invite anyone running for ANYTHING to drop a yard sign off at my house. It’ll be on Heather’s front lawn across the street quicker than you can say ‘Dennis Kucinich for President’. It also might be fun to do dueling issues in her yard, “Vote Yes on Issue 3”…. “Vote No on Issue 3”. Hmmm… Very interesting.

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5 Responses to “The Broad’s Side of Lawn Decor”


  1. 1 HP
    October 18, 2009 at 2:51 pm

    If I see any more Kucinich signs in my yard you might find a permanent “squatter” in your yard: Squanto or maybe dirty Santa. Depends on the season I guess.

  2. 2 Jen J
    October 18, 2009 at 3:29 pm

    Squanto will be on the bar stool right next to me. You in?

  3. 3 Michelle
    October 20, 2009 at 10:18 am

    honey…have you seen the christmas display accross the street from me??? talk about the grizwalds? whoa…we don’t even need to put our living room lights on…just pop up the picture window shade!

  4. 4 Sarah
    October 21, 2009 at 1:54 am

    OMG hilarious girl. I don’t know the Cuse always had some amusing year round decorators. ESPECIALLY the South Side lol.

  5. October 24, 2012 at 2:11 pm

    lol……… no one tried to set fire to that ‘gathering’ of ‘decoration’ yet!? seriously?
    maybe some1 should……… u and other neighbor would have cause to see nice bonfire.. could even take some sausages ;P


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About the Broad

A humorous look at dating in your mid-thirties and the other hilarious things that happen around us on a daily basis.

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