30
Oct
09

The Broad’s Side of DIRECTV

DIRECTV is one of the best things that have ever happened to me, outside of my daughter’s birth and that time I won 50 bucks on a scratch-off ticket. For some reason, it’s very empowering to pause live TV. Sometimes, I find myself doing it for no valid reason… just because I can. I’m kind of a TV whore, so the fact that I can watch a CSI episode in 42 minutes is really beneficial to my lifestyle. It’s not because I am ultra busy and have so much crap to cram into my schedule. To the contrary, now I’m able to watch MORE CSI! Sometimes I’m able to watch all three cities in one night! How freakin amazing is that? I’m practically a forensic scientist at this point. I can give you the rundown on blunt force trauma and the resulting blood spatter patterns.

I used to keep some strange hours when I worked for Target. There were times when I’d be there until 2am and other times where I’d get up at 4am on Sundays to set up the weekly ad. Lord knows, everyone needs to know which Colgate is on sale for 50 cents off. I hated my job and the only thing that eased my pain after a 15 hour shift dealing with assholes returning blenders was my DIRECTV. I came home one Sunday after signing the Wheat Thins and Beggin Strips at their discounted prices, and all I wanted was a good dose of ‘America’s Next Top Model’. I got comfortable in bed with my remote in hand. I attempted to turn it on and nothing was happening. I tried that trick where you smack the remote against the palm of your hand repeatedly in an effort to revitalize the remaining alkaline in the batteries. No dice. I went downstairs and found some fresh AA’s in the kitchen drawer and trekked back upstairs. Once I realized that the batteries weren’t the issue, I began to investigate further. I started by pressing a bunch of random buttons on the TV, hoping to get lucky. Nothing happened, so I moved on to the DIRECTV receiver box. I was on my knees checking all of the cable connections when the box made a sizzling sound. It smelled terrible as well. I picked it up and turned it upside down. As I did this, about a gallon of urine poured out. There’s nothing quite like the aroma of baking piss. The guy I married was downstairs watching TV using the DIRECTV unit that wasn’t shorted out by pee. I started screaming his name and dropping obscenities until he came upstairs. It turns out that he has a bit of a sleep walking problem. There had been many occasions where I’d awaken in the middle of the night to find him preparing to relieve himself in the closet or his sock drawer. I was always able to divert him towards the bathroom. Of course he had no recollection of the sleep peeing incidents, including this particular one.

He suggested that the dog might be responsible. She’s a 13 inch beagle, and last I checked she’s never peed standing up. I used my strong forensic background to line up the shooting angle and relevant spatter patterns. I demonstrated that the location of the box was curiously Pollack penis height. The crime scene interrogation was not going to fix the problem, so I knew that I had to call DIRECTV for help. They have a menu of problems to choose from, but I wasn’t quite sure which umbrella my particular problem fell under. Troubleshooting? Here’s an idea… don’t pee on the receiver, genius. In all fairness, that tip does not appear anywhere in the manual. How was he to know? I decided to go with ‘other’ as my problem selection and the call rang through to my help desk operator. I started off by advising him that this call was sure to be recording worthy. You might as well gather your buddies around now because this is sure to be a good one. I’ll hold. I told him there was ‘liquid’ inadvertently spilled into the unit through a penis. He said, “Someone urinated on it?” I had to explain that it appeared to be accidental urination. It’s not like he was sick and tired of CSI and decided to piss it out. We came to a mutual decision that a new receiver was definitely in order, although they did make me send the peed on one back. Who knows where that one ended up? Possibly your house!

I had a recent affair with Cox Cable because my landlord wouldn’t allow me to have a satellite dish on the house. I feel guilty about my indiscretion and want DIRECTV to know that I’m back and I truly love them. I will never stray again, and I promise to position all future receivers at a height that makes pissing on them virtually impossible.

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8 Responses to “The Broad’s Side of DIRECTV”


  1. 1 Michelle
    October 30, 2009 at 1:53 pm

    hahaha…i love that story.

  2. 2 Jenn
    October 30, 2009 at 4:04 pm

    I cannot even imagine this happening to me. I mean, you want to be mad, but you can’t because it’s a disorder. But then, he could have gone to the damn doctor and tried to fix this problem, so I guess being mad is in order.

  3. 3 Jen J
    October 30, 2009 at 5:12 pm

    Sure, but I would have been much more forgiving if he had peed in his sock drawer! Nobody messes with my DIRECTV!

  4. 4 jim
    November 1, 2009 at 3:48 pm

    god you are histeracal! you gotta right a book! you make me laugh all the time!
    thank you! jim

  5. 5 Michelle
    November 1, 2009 at 10:33 pm

    OMG! What is it about guys and sleep pissing?

  6. 6 E
    November 5, 2009 at 10:11 am

    I can think of one girl Jen knows that also sleep pisses *LoL* Write THAT story, would you please *hahaha* I remember it so well!! And don’t leave out the part where I had to buy a new couch!

  7. 7 Jen J
    November 5, 2009 at 11:15 am

    I had completely forgotten about that! It was an epidemic with her!

  8. 8 E
    November 7, 2009 at 12:34 pm

    Yea, it certainly was! And I think if THAT was ever going to benefit anyone, it should be us, with a story written by you, the victim *hahaha*


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About the Broad

A humorous look at dating in your mid-thirties and the other hilarious things that happen around us on a daily basis.

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