Warning Signs

Wouldn’t it be fantastic if there was a manual detailing what type of people you should avoid building relationships with? Jesus, that would save us all a little time and energy. I have what I consider a pretty solid background in selecting losers, so as a public service I thought that I’d pass along what I’ve learned. Some are steadfast rules, while others are merely suggestions. These tidbits can apply to friendships, significant others or co-worker relationships. Use this information wisely, and please feel free to pass it along. I’m all about helping others.

My first rule is unfortunately a pretty solid one, and there aren’t many exceptions. Never trust a guy with two first names. I realize that this is beyond the man’s control, but it’s just a fact. Not only is he a douche, but he comes from a long line of men who are also douches. Whether they’re a ‘Thomas George’ or a ‘Michael Ryan’… Beware. I’ve never officially met Bruce Wayne, but I bet he’s a tool of epic proportions. He doesn’t even possess any true ‘superpowers’. He uses intellect, science, detective skills and technology to wage his war on crime. That’s equivalent to a homicide detective or a forensic scientist dressing up in a latex bat suit and running around town. All of that to outsmart someone? It would appear to me that this tactic would be much more successful if he played it under the radar. The bad guys probably wouldn’t even see him coming if he were wearing an Ohio State sweatshirt, jeans and a ball cap.

Rule #2 is an elective behavior, which makes it all that much more disturbing. Unless you are coaching a college football game, you should never wear a sweater vest. I don’t understand them at all… aren’t sweaters for warmth? How does one of the sleeveless variety accomplish anything that the sweater is intended for? If you opt for an old man classic turtleneck underneath, you might as well wear an applicator tip as a hat and change your name to Massengill.

Rule #3 is also something that is well within your control, so listen carefully. If your hair starts to turn grey, don’t kid yourself by attempting to dye it to conceal the ‘old’ that’s setting in. You’ll end up looking like you were mugged by the shoe shine guy in the airport terminal, and his weapon of choice was Kiwi shoe polish. For the love of god, put down the ‘Just For Men’ products. If you find yourself experiencing male pattern baldness, step down from the ledge. This doesn’t become an issue until you start using smoke and mirrors in a ridiculous attempt to trick people into thinking you have more hair than you do. There has NEVER been one single documented instance where someone complimented a comb-over without crossing their fingers behind their back, winking or flat out laughing. It looks asinine, so please refrain from exhibiting this behavior. In the event that you decide to shave your head, please be sure that you have a handle on this. I used to know this ridiculous little prick who would constantly have missed patches of hair on the back of his shiny little head. It looked like a bad Brazilian bikini wax. I wasn’t surprised to hear that he ended up getting a divorce. His wife must have hated him if she let him leave the house with a landing strip on the back of his dome.

Rule #4- Avoid the guy who introduces himself using his first and last name as well as job title in situations where nobody gives a shit. It’s usually a guy who’s so pretentious that he insists on being called by his formal first name. He’ll correct you, “I’m sorry, but my name is Thomas.” Worse than that is the guy that calls himself ‘Dr’ in social situations. I’ll tell you what buddy… unless I’m coming down with a severe case of strep throat or need a pap smear, I don’t give a rats ass if you’re a doctor. Do you really need to sign your credit card receipt at Target with ‘Dr Frederick Roger’? I’m sure the sixteen year old cashier and her cart attendant boyfriend are mocking you before you hit the parking lot. Education is fantastic, and congratulations on your successful career… but nobody cares.

Rule #5 involves the always feared ‘short man syndrome’. It’s hard for me to grasp why some men who are of smaller stature feel the need to be such assholes. Don’t treat me like it’s my fault you’re 5’2”. Take it up with your parents for Christ’s sake. I’m not sure if it’s a recognized mental illness, but it should be. If you’re short and pissed off, you should qualify for some special sensitivity training. These dudes should never be put in positions of power, and should have to take some sort of entrance exam to be considered for any type of corporate position. Give them a copy of ‘Snow White’ and see if they can identify all seven dwarves without going bat-shit crazy.

I hope you will find this information useful in one regard or another. God help you if you can see yourself in a combination of categories listed above. If you ever encounter a 5’4” sweater vest wearing tyrant with a poorly shaven head… run before he has the chance to introduce himself. You’re welcome!


2 Responses to “Warning Signs”

  1. 1 Geocab
    March 20, 2010 at 11:40 am

    Hey, I thought sweater vests were in style! Other than that, I pass all the tests. And for the record I don’t wear the sweater vest, but I do own one. ;p

  2. 2 Ray
    April 19, 2010 at 1:14 pm

    As usual Jen…BRILLIANT! I think I may know of who you speak.

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About the Broad

A humorous look at dating in your mid-thirties and the other hilarious things that happen around us on a daily basis.

November 2009
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