Fine Dining or taco night? Hmm….

I’m sure that you will be shocked to learn that fine dining establishments make me uncomfortable. It’s not like I’m a cavewoman, but I don’t really understand the allure. I recently received a gift card in the amount of $100 for Morton’s Steak House, which evidently is enough to cover two non-alcoholic beverages and a side of asparagus. From the beginning, I felt really out of my element. The maitre d reminded me of one of the Super Mario Brothers if you sucked all the fun out of him and dressed him up in a white tux. He spoke very eloquently and I could tell that he’s probably never been laid in his life. His painful lack of personality left me struggling for conversation as we were led to our table. He paused briefly to pull out the entire table. I thought he dropped his pen or the condom that had been in his wallet for a dozen years, so I stooped down to retrieve it. I felt like a jackass on a huge level when I realized he was actually assisting me with my seating. I’ve heard of pulling out your chair…but the whole table! I did NOT see that coming.

We settled in and had some whispers of conversation, because it didn’t appear to me that you were allowed to speak in this particular establishment. I mulled over my drink selection and found myself in a quandary. Do I order wine in a pathetic attempt to class myself up? Do I really want this tuxedo wearing douche swirling the wine around in a glass and forcing me to sniff the cork? I am no connoisseur, my friends. Do I order a beer and remove all doubt that I fit in? Jesus, don’t judge me. I’d ask for a glass. It’s not as if I’d request a can of Stroh’s and shot-gun it with my car key. I settled on a $20 Screwdriver. Safe, with no sniffing of any kind required. If you’ve never been to Morton’s, when you order steak, that’s all you get. Yes sir, just a chunk of meat on a plate. If you would actually like to enjoy an entire dinner, you must order each piece separately for an astronomical fee. A basic salad is $12, and the cheapest side dish is $10. They actually have macaroni and cheese as a side dish, but they charge you $14! There must be some sort of penalty fee assessed. Who eats Mac n cheese at a premium steakhouse? Not gonna lie… I wanted to. The waiter asked me if I wanted some fresh ground pepper, and I practically screamed at him. I’m sure there’s some sort of per kernel cost for the good pepper. The entire time we were there, I was doing accounting problems in my head. I was attempting to calculate the cost of the dinner as well as the approximate number of times I could go to Taco Night at Merry Arts in Lakewood for the same tab. The answer is somewhere in the neighborhood of 72 times.

I would prefer Taco Night without question. First and foremost, the tacos are amazing. I’m not sure what kind of secret recipe is involved, but they are without question the best tacos I’ve ever had. If you have never been there and live in the Cleveland area, it’s really a must. I love the fact that I can sit in a dimly lit bar drinking my big ass draft beer and watching football. Nobody gives a shit if I’m loud or ‘accidentally’ say the word douchebag. I can wear my baseball cap and jeans without feeling like a homeless person. Shit, there’s even a fireplace. Don’t try to tell me that’s not classy. There is an intricate taco ordering system involved. It’s cash only and you’re required to go up to the kitchen doorway to procure said tacos. It’s kind of exciting… like a drug deal, I would imagine. “psst… I need some tacos, stat!” The taco lady doesn’t have a strong customer service background as far as I can tell, but she can be as ornery as she wants as far as I’m concerned. She can punch me in the face as she delivers my paper plate of delicious tacos… they’re that good. She’s always out back chain smoking, wearing a tie dyed tee shirt between taco constructions. I’m always super nice, although in hindsight that probably makes her want to murder me. I’m actually considering getting her a Christmas present just so that she never cuts off my taco supply. What does one get the taco lady? A sassy apron with jalapenos on it perhaps? My head in a box?

I took a friend to Taco Night a while back and he ordered a plate of hot tacos. For a minute I thought I was watching a scene from Law and Order. At one point he was hunched over in the booth in a fetal position, clutching his stomach and sweating. It was like one of those segments where the drug dealer gets shot, but can’t seek medical attention because he’ll end up in the pokey. He inevitably ends up in septic shock. The tacos are hot, but c’mon! This was a little bit dramatic. You can’t pull off that routine at Morton’s. I don’t think I’ll be headed back to Morton’s any time in the near future. I’d rather have tacos, a burger or a pizza. Besides, I don’t need the added stress of a salad fork while dining.


1 Response to “Fine Dining or taco night? Hmm….”

  1. 1 Jen D
    November 30, 2009 at 12:42 pm

    My fav – getting the gift certificate in an amount there’s no way you can possibly enjoy a meal for unless you go alone. Nice gesture; but, no cigar. And, Outback has a better steak that Mortons on most nights-lol

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About the Broad

A humorous look at dating in your mid-thirties and the other hilarious things that happen around us on a daily basis.

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