The Broad’s Side of… Sexuality

Human sexuality is always such fodder for the gossip columns. Just today, Meredith Baxter of ‘Family Ties’ fame came out of the closet on national TV. Do I necessarily care if Elyse Keaton likes pussy? I don’t think I do. I have never spent one moment pondering who the 62 year old sitcom mom from the 80’s was getting it on with. I actually prefer to think she’s knitting a quilt somewhere in lieu of imagining her doing it with anyone. To her credit, she certainly put a lot of effort into the whole hetero thing. She married three different people with penises over the course of many years and had five children. Three strikes and you’re out of the closet, I guess. Essentially, she admitted to marrying three guys that were total douches on purpose. When the relationships ended, she could blame their douchiness and not have to take any responsibility. I took a quick mental inventory of the men in my past, and was concerned for a few seconds. Oh my god, maybe I’m a lesbian. It only took me a brief moment to realize that I actually kind of like assholes. Alas, I am one too. I made out with that chick in the hair care aisle at Target for nothing….but at least I’m sure that I still love men. That adolescent stocking the Aussie Mega Spritz owes me a thank-you card.

I blame Perez Hilton for all of this. He keeps outing people like he’s building his own army. Knowing who Lance Bass is banging doesn’t affect my life at all. There’s a pretty solid chance that ‘Bye Bye Bye’ from N’Sync will always be my go-to song every time I’m at karaoke night. Neil Patrick Harris from ‘Doogie Howser’ was also outed by Perez. Why do we care? Why are we so fascinated by people’s sex lives? As long as it’s legal and not super-creepy… leave people the hell alone. What you do in your bedroom is entirely up to you…and sometimes the camera guy and lighting crew, but that’s a separate conversation. If people are happy with the partner they choose, regardless of gender, I don’t get why it’s newsworthy. While I was surfing TMZ today, I saw a story that was WAY more horrifying than the Baxter ‘scandal’. Another person has admitted to having sex with Verne Troyer. Jesus… are you kidding me? How does this keep happening? If nailing a Cabbage Patch doll has always been your dream, I guess Verne would be the closest you’d get. At first, I was confused that the woman later filed a restraining order, because c’mon, the guy rides around on the same type of scooter my grandma has. Then it hit me. She must have seen ‘Child’s Play’. That Chucky doll scares the shit out of me. I’ve lost more than a few nights of sleep over that thing. Then again, I wouldn’t fuck it.

Since I’m typically a judgmental asshole, I don’t want all of my friends to see this as the perfect opportunity to divulge all of their sexual secrets. I don’t need to know who chokes themselves, only has sex with people who remind them of their grandpa, or dresses like a giant hedgehog during sex romps. All I’m saying is that two consenting adults should be able to do whatever they see fit. It goes without saying that you should never have sex with someone against their will. Don’t think you’ll go the slick route and call it a date…still not ok. Never have sex with someone who’s been roofied and/or had three or more shots of Cuervo. I’m actually speaking on behalf of the impaired people here. They will undoubtedly be pissed off when they figure out that you’re not in fact attractive on any level. Jose Cuervo has played this hilarious game with me on more than one occasion. There are certainly things that are never acceptable, so I’ll give you a basic set of rules to live by. Please take notes.

1: Bestiality is never ok. To be safe, the first time your dog humps your leg… neuter him. No means no and you can send a very powerful message this way. I can’t say from experience, but I’m sure dog rape is no less painful and certainly more difficult to prosecute.

2: Necrophilia- I realize some guys have trouble meeting women, but waiting until they’re dead isn’t the answer. If you actually committed the murder, it’s even more unacceptable.

3: Pedophilia- As a parent, this isn’t something that I can even joke about. I will say that I have some friends in their forties who are walking a very thin line. If your date wants you to take her to the Jonas Brothers concert, do princess puzzles or make her a giraffe out of balloons… you’re dangerously close to being on ‘To Catch a Predator’. You might as well trade in your Audi for a non-descript white van.

4: Sex with Verne Troyer


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About the Broad

A humorous look at dating in your mid-thirties and the other hilarious things that happen around us on a daily basis.

December 2009
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