The Broad’s Side of Embarrassing Moments

It’s really no secret that I’m a complete jackass on occasion. I find that it’s much easier to embrace it than to wage an un-winnable war against it. If something humiliating happens to me, I’m usually telling someone about it in a matter of minutes. I had one of these moments last week at the office that deserves to be re-lived. I’ll have to admit that I was feeling pretty good about myself that day, which is usually my first indication that something horrible is about to happen. I had just prepared myself a delightful cup of Mocha Nut Fudge coffee, which tastes like cake in a cup. I was en-route back to my office on the event level of Quicken Loans Arena with my liquid treat in hand. I was feeling ultra confident in my black skirt and high heeled boots as I strutted down the hallway towards my destination. As I began to take the corner, I slipped on a wet patch of flooring and found myself falling in what felt like slow motion. My left arm instinctively performed a windmill-like motion as my coffee clutching right hand jerked upward towards my head. More than half the contents of the cup went directly into my face and hair… not a god-damned drop in my mouth, I might add! I managed to avoid actually hitting the ground because the arm motion was evidently very effective. I never let go of that cup either. Of course, there were two co-workers that I hadn’t been formally introduced to standing a few feet from the crime scene. OH… and the visiting hockey team was practicing on the ice with a clear view of the entire show. My hair was drenched and my make-up was streaking down my face. I fled into the bathroom wanting to flush myself down the toilet in an effort to escape. I gazed into the mirror wondering how the hell I was going to piece myself back together. I decided to try to paper towel my hair dry, just as one of my employees walked into the restroom. Samantha looked at me and it was evident that she wasn’t quite sure if she was allowed to laugh or not. I had the whole front of my hair sandwiched between two paper towels… kind of like when you de-grease bacon. I had to explain to her how I had just thrown coffee at my own face as I was blotting the mascara off it. The tiny granules of sweet-n-low embedded in my right eyeball were irritating me, so she probably thought I kept winking at her. I eventually found my way back down to my office, where fortunately I have a flat-iron on stand-by at all times. I plugged it in and used it to re-shape my now crunchy hair. As the steam rose off the hot iron, it smelled like someone was baking brownies in my office. I then headed off to fetch a new cup of java…with a tad less face in this one.

One of the more memorable moments in my repertoire happened at a dance club in Syracuse, NY. Yes…I know! What the hell is a dance club? Do they even exist anymore? I was out with a few of my ‘friends’ or so I thought. I’m a Gemini, and we love our attention. On this particular evening, I must have been the hottest girl alive because every guy in the place was sizing me up. I felt like I was in a movie the way people kept sending drinks my way. Damn, I must look GOOOOOD! I was really playing it up with the flirtatious looks and maybe even a wink or two. This went on for hours, and I felt sorry for my non-attention worthy friends. They must have been so jealous of my obvious popularity. I tore myself away from Jenapalooza long enough to hit the ladies room. There were full length mirrors lining the walls in the facilities as you entered. Just then, out of the corner of my eye… I saw it. My dress was tucked into the back of my lady bug thong underwear, revealing my entire ass to the world. Oh my God! I did the ‘Electric Slide’ like that?! Unfortunately, there wasn’t an escape hatch, so I had to eventually leave the way I came in. I regained my composure and exited with what little pride I had left. I was on the second step of the carpeted stairs when my foot slipped out from under me, and I rode down the remaining stairs on my back with my legs up in the air. As I laid flat on my back at the bottom of the steps, once again revealing my drawers to the entire bar, a really hot guy stood over me to offer my shoe back. Turns out, it had hit him full force in the back of the head as it flew off my foot. In hindsight, I should have been more embarrassed by my feathered helmet hairstyle. What was I thinking?

We all do dumb shit. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve rummaged around in my purse searching desperately for something, only to pull out a tampon. It’s usually in front of the hottest guy on the planet or your male boss. When I was first thrust back on to the single scene, I hit the tri-fecta. A very attractive guy asked me for my phone number and I thought it would be super impressive to pull out my business card from my mom purse. Step one was the tampon, which I believe I actually asked him to hold for a minute while I dug further. I then produced a diaper and a bootleg copy of the Lion King on DVD. I was so horrified that I purposely gave him the wrong number just in case he was crazy enough to call. Have you ever let one rip while alone in the car only to discover that the establishment you’re pulling up to has valet parking? Now you’re compelled to drive around the block a few times with the windows down, trying frantically to fan the evidence out the window. Don’t kid yourself; the valet guy has caught this act before. He knows exactly what’s up.

Embarrassing things happen to me every day. I’m actually kind of concerned that at some point I won’t even realize that they’re embarrassing anymore. It’s very likely that’s what happened to my grandmother. My siblings and I used to pretend she had Alzheimer’s as an excuse for the retarded stuff she did on a daily basis. God love her, she was a Gemini too.


4 Responses to “The Broad’s Side of Embarrassing Moments”

  1. 1 JIM FAZIO
    October 22, 2009 at 8:33 am


  2. 3 E
    October 22, 2009 at 12:17 pm

    GeeZ! How did I miss THAT trip to the club? Was it before my time, cause I don’t recall you ever having “feathered” hair 😉 I’m torn as to what my all time embarassing moment in a club was. I can’t decide if it was the knock down drag out brawl you and I got in to, or the fact that I had to pick you up the next morning for my Managers meeting at Freddie’s. You decide 😉

  3. 4 Alan
    October 28, 2009 at 12:54 pm

    God that was great. I needed a good laugh today. Now I know where I can go for more.

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About the Broad

A humorous look at dating in your mid-thirties and the other hilarious things that happen around us on a daily basis.

January 2010
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