The broad’s side of… pornography

Before you jump to conclusions, I’m not some kind of degenerate with a porn addiction. I do like the occasional sprinkling of pornography, even though women are never supposed to speak of such things. I don’t recommend busting out ‘The Curious Case of Benjamin’s Butthole’ at your next dinner party, but I don’t see anything wrong with a healthy curiosity. Next time you have some free time on your hands, head over to http://www.youporn.com. I for one, find it highly entertaining. It’s like the ‘You Tube’ for perverts, and people will put some crazy shit on the internet. If you don’t have any hilarious wedding party Thriller routines or videos of one of your douchebag friends falling off the roof, you might want to branch out into the ‘You Porn’ site. Finally get your revenge on that whore-rific skank that cheated on you with one of the guys in your dart league by posting a homemade sex tape. On my last tour of the site… approximately ten minutes ago, I stumbled upon some top tier clips. There’s one entitled ‘Grandma Likes To Suck Cock’… which is every bit as horrifying as it sounds. My grandma likes to bake pecan pies and write me checks for $12 every Christmas, so I find it hard to believe that this could possibly be as advertised. I could only watch for ten seconds before an almost bulimic feeling overcame me. It does appear that grandma is a fellatio fan. It must be very soothing to the old broad’s gums. I’m pretty sure I saw her dentures floating in a glass of scotch and soda in the background. I stopped watching before the dementia got the best of her, but my guess is that it ends with her writing the young man a check for $12.

Every week it seems that a celebrity sex tape surfaces. Some are downright offensive. Does anyone really want to see Screech from ‘Saved by the Bell’ in a sexually compromising position? I didn’t even like seeing that douche on TV fully clothed. I’d prefer to continue believing that he doesn’t even have a penis. The only thing that’s grosser than that is the thought of someone banging Verne Troyer in front of a camera… or AT ALL for that matter. He looks like a baby with a man face. I remember a disturbing scene from ‘The Surreal Life’ (don’t judge me for watching), where that hideous man-baby rode around naked on a Rascal scooter and peed in the corner. I didn’t sleep for a week and probably have an addiction to Ambien as a result. Colin Farrell? Ok… I’ll watch. Mini-me? Not so much. I’m not sure if there are protagonists and antagonists in the porn industry, but the Verne Troyer/hooker conflict is not something I’m anxious to see develop. I don’t need midget sex-capades in my life, thank you very much. For the love of god, if you’re a celebrity and your sex tape ‘accidentally’ gets leaked, it’s your own damn fault. Don’t tape yourself getting it on and blame the laptop repair guy when it ends up a viral sensation. Let’s face it; chances are you won’t get less famous for a sex romp caught on tape. There are several exceptions (aside from the aforementioned Verne Troyer factor). Ask Rob Lowe how tagging an underage girl on VHS tape worked out for him. You should also avoid any illegal activity such as doing blow off a hooker’s ass or having some sort of pedophilic relations on film. Definitely not a career booster. I also advise against wearing wigs and tranny heels if you’re a dude. Just a suggestion. What do I know? I’m fairly confident I’ve never made a sex tape, but can you ever really be sure?

My point here is that porn isn’t just for the guys. Women watch it too…they just lie about it. I bet more than one of my female friends has seen ‘Cumdog Millionaire’. Every once in a while I see someone in the beer aisle at Giant Eagle that I’m pretty sure I’ve seen on ‘You Porn’. It’s not like you can just walk up to a stranger and say “Hey, I loved you in ‘Misty’s First Double Penetration’. Your performance was captivating. I really believed the story line.” That would be an awesome ice breaker though. Well, enough about pornography and how hilarious it is… time to make the popcorn. ‘Romancing the Bone’ debuts in my living room in ten minutes.


1 Response to “The broad’s side of… pornography”

  1. 1 jimmy faz
    November 28, 2009 at 10:08 pm

    as also great stuff!!

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About the Broad

A humorous look at dating in your mid-thirties and the other hilarious things that happen around us on a daily basis.

January 2010
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