Does Size Matter?

I have no idea why this continues to be a debate. Of course it matters. It’s absolutely ridiculous for anyone to say that it doesn’t. The good news for you guys is that the majority of you have absolutely nothing to worry about. This is one of the few instances in life where average is a really good thing. C’mon, let’s be honest here…you never hear someone say, “no thanks, I don’t really need the hi-def. I like the mediocre TV viewing option much better”. Nobody prefers reg-def, my friends. The clear exception is on Planet Penis, where the majority of women will absolutely love your normal-sized erection. Some people will get all bent out of shape and insist that it’s not the size that matters, but what you do with it. True to a point… not every ordinary sized penis is attached to a man who knows what to do with it. End of argument as far as I’m concerned. If it’s two inches, it’s now downgraded to a finger. Fingers don’t do much for the pleasure factor upon insertion.

There are a few women who might actually prefer the gargantuan unit, but I’m willing to bet that it’s because they’re trifling whores. They’ve probably been around the block so many times; they might as well start delivering the newspaper. I for one have no interest in being startled when something the size of an Aqua-net hairspray canister is unleashed from someone’s pants. I didn’t particularly like the feeling of losing my virginity, and I certainly have zero interest in any form of reenactment. The concept of oral sex is now completely out of the equation as well. Who needs that monstrous thing banging against their brainstem? Not me!

I can confidently say that no woman prefers the mini manhood. Unfortunately, since women were engineered with the absence of ball sacks… none of us will tell you to your face. I’ll be honest; I once dated a guy whose junk was the size of my thumb with two grapes dangling from it. I actually continued dating him even though his personality sucked because I didn’t want him to think I was dumping him because of his microscopic dick. Don’t buy into any of these idiotic concepts like: ‘it’s not the size; it’s how many times you make it rise’. Bullshit! This little cock jingle was no doubt created by somebody hung like a tic-tac. Why the hell would I be interested in having sex with someone who makes me feel like they’re banging a 50 gallon trash can? If I can’t feel it hitting any type of vaginal wall… no thank you! My advice would be to invest in a really good oral sex book to save face. This could at least buy you some time before the broad finds someone with standard issue genitals.

I certainly understand that women can be emotional creatures and fall in love with someone regardless of the sexual connection. Just don’t confuse this with size being irrelevant. You fell in love DESPITE the size. It was not a contributing factor, even though you might be secretly wishing there was some sort of penis exchange program available at the local Target.


4 Responses to “Does Size Matter?”

  1. 2 Sweet Trouble
    March 19, 2010 at 7:45 am

    Possibly the best post from you ever. I was wondering when this subject would be touched upon, and I now think we share a brain. I think the “fell in love despite of it, not because of it” is so dead on! And it’s funny how you did’t even know what you were missing until you get that upgrade after you break up with Tiny Tim. Then yea, I think one can fall in love because of it, become addicted to it, have dreams about it, carry pictures of it… “IT” becomes the It Factor in the relationship. Will it be a lasting love with all the other gooey stuff attached? One can only hope…

  2. 3 Geocab
    March 20, 2010 at 11:17 am

    So you say 2 inches is too small, when does it begin to be OK? 3, 4, 5, 6 inches? When is it too much and your remember your virginity days? 12, 13, 14? Us guys have to know where we stand! lol

    Great post as usual. And Sweet Trouble’s comment is probably the best I’ve read here too. 🙂

  3. October 21, 2012 at 5:25 am

    true ;]
    Come to think of – from the 3 men I was intimate with first one was ‘undersized’ and hard to register, second was ‘oversized’ and it simply hurt (not that the f*** idiot registered any of my complains..) and the third one was the best cause average!

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About the Broad

A humorous look at dating in your mid-thirties and the other hilarious things that happen around us on a daily basis.

March 2010
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