14
Apr
10

Cheating Scandals

It’s difficult to ignore all of the cheating scandals circulating in Hollywood right now. You can’t turn on the TV without hearing of a new indiscretion. Evidently, even walking corpse Larry King is getting in on the action. He’s getting divorced for the 8th time because he was allegedly banging his wife’s sister. Wow… talk about siblings with regrettable taste in men. I’d be willing to bet that his shriveled old balls look like a couple of dried apricots at this point. He’s made his wishes to be cryogenically preserved after death well known, and it’s quite possible this process begins with the nut sack. For all we know, he’s actually been dead for years. I’m having a hard time mustering up any amount of sympathy for the soon to be ex-wife. What idiot has a goal to marry a geezer reminiscent of Montgomery Burns from the Simpsons? Dude already married a six-pack of other bitches for Christ’s sake. For those keeping score…one of those morons married him twice.

The Tiger Woods saga is exhausting in my opinion. I won’t dwell on a situation we’ve all heard about ad nauseum. All I can say is that the guy was doing something right if he went undetected for so many years. He’s got one hell of a PR representation and probably a gigantic cock… my bad; let’s call it a schlong since it sounds more Asian. The assumption that his wife wasn’t aware of his mistresses numbering in the double digits is absurd. When dealing with athletes, musicians, or evidently even crypt keeper-esque talk show hosts… the cheating comes with the territory. The women who marry these jackasses don’t crave a ‘normal’ existence. They want multi-million dollar homes, lavish clothes and cars, and a virtual buffet of plastic surgery options. I doubt Elin the Swedish bikini model wants to associate with Gary the tax guy or Doug the Dominos Pizza delivery guy. Don’t lose too much sleep fretting over Elin’s fragile state. Something tells me she’ll bounce back just fine. She knew exactly what she was signing up for. I have to admit that I was rather intrigued by the concept of Ambien sex as detailed by one of the mistresses. I thought I’d give it a try since it was made to sound so sensual and erotic. I’d recommend that you try it if you’re into passing out, calling your partner the wrong name and finishing up with a series of uncontrollable farts. Not really my cup of tea, but I can take it off my bucket list.

I really want to sympathize with Sandra Bullock. I’ve always liked her because she’s one of the few Hollywood actresses that appear to be a ‘real’ person. You never hear a harsh word about her and she’s genuinely likeable. With that being said, she married a self-proclaimed ‘bad boy’ with more tattoos than brain cells. He married a porn star for the love of God. Doesn’t he know those broads aren’t for marrying? Why not just nail them once or twice like everyone else does? I think it’s actually in the sex rule book… Must not marry porn stars or hookers. Feel free to write that down for future reference. At what point did Sandy think this relationship was a wise decision? Should we be stunned that he cheated on her with a chick whose face contains similar graffiti to the bathroom stall in a freeway rest stop? Seriously, tattoos on the face are far worse than the typical tramp stamps. Nothing says ‘shoot for the eye’ quite like a little face ink.

The reality of the situation is that people love to gossip and it becomes that much more delicious when it involves sex. If someone thinks for a minute that you’re engaging in a taboo sexual relationship… they’ll talk about it. Every office rumor mill hinges on the perceived inappropriate sexual acts of others. Next time you’re bored at the office, start a rumor about your affair with the 70 year old office maintenance man and sit back and enjoy the show.

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1 Response to “Cheating Scandals”


  1. 1 Sweet Trouble
    April 14, 2010 at 10:38 pm

    Jen, you kill me – good stuff. But I’m slightly concerned. You seem to have put waaay too much thought into Larry Kings shriveled apricots. Thank you… for that visual. Now I must try and go to sleep with the thought of those things slapping the face of the next victim/ idiot. I think I may need an Ambien. I’ll risk the uncontrollable farting to rid my mind of the Larry King Loin Fruits. Nite Nite.


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About the Broad

A humorous look at dating in your mid-thirties and the other hilarious things that happen around us on a daily basis.

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