My Twisted Take On Kid’s Movies

I’m not sure that many people will be able to appreciate the tirade I’m about to launch into. With the state of the economy and the current heartbreaking situation in Haiti, the things that set me off are probably ridiculous. Let me qualify that by pointing out that un-employment gave me the opportunity to stew over this issue for much longer than can be considered healthy. I needed a place to channel my anger and frustration… at the expense of Disney. It all started innocently enough with a trip to the local cinema to catch a matinee of ‘The Princess and the Frog’ with my three year old. In a nutshell, the story centers around a hard-working young black girl with one main goal in life. She has always dreamed of running a restaurant of her very own. This was a dream shared by her father who spends his entire life working and never gets the opportunity to bring it to fruition. In typical Disney fashion, dad croaks and leaves Tiana to realize her goals on her own. WTF, Disney… what’s with the dead parent obsession? You’d be hard- pressed to find a two parent household in Walt’s world. Snow White, Cinderella and Belle were all down at least one. When it gets to the point where we’re even killing off animal parents, there might be an issue. Think Bambi’s assassinated mom or Nemo’s mom who ended up as shark bait. Really?

But I digress… back to the frog story. I won’t bore you with the specifics, but through an unfortunate chain of events both Tiana and her supposed prince are turned into frogs. Prince Frog is kind of a dick. He doesn’t appear to be all that fun to be around, but when you’re a frog I suppose your options are limited. The stupid broad ends up falling for the douchy frog… don’t they all? Enter evil villain who gives our fair frog princess the divine chance to have everything she’s ever dreamed of. She can go back to being a human and have the restaurant she’s been hoping for her entire life. Where’s the catch, you ask? Simple… leave the asshole frog behind. No-brainer as far as I’m concerned! What is the lifespan of a god-damn frog? Three years max? When faced with financial stability in these uncertain times, who takes the ‘stay a frog’ route? Are you fucking kidding me? At this point, my version of the story would have ended with both of these retarded frogs being consumed by an angry gator. Of course, the sappy Disney spin has everything work out in the end. I can see what the lesson was supposed to be, but here’s what I took out of it: You should let a guy be a total douchebag and treat you as if you were beneath him. After putting up with his shit for a while, you should just deal with it because chances are there’s not anything better out there. Most importantly, you should make all kinds of insane sacrifices for this jackass because what good are you without a man? Congratulations to Disney for finally giving us a black princess, but I’ll tell you right now… not ONE of my black girlfriends would tolerate that crap.

Let’s revisit some of my other favorite Disney tales. There’s the one where a young girl’s step mother puts a hit on her because she’s smoking hot. The hitman thinks she’s a hot piece of ass too, so he aborts the mission. At this point, she naturally ends up living with seven really old and very messy midgets in the forest. These little dudes are perpetually drunk little diamond miners who unsuccessfully try to nail Snow White. As if being three feet tall isn’t enough of a bitch, they’re all trying to impress the same chick. Step mom eventually comes back and gives hottie a jacked up apple that puts her into this insane coma that somehow requires no type of medical attention. Not to pick on Terri Schiavo again, but clearly comas wreak havoc on one’s physical appearance. I’m not sure one would still qualify as ‘the fairest in the land’ after such a traumatic experience. Oh… and then a normal sized man comes and saves her.

One of my other favorites is animation’s tribute to Stockholm Syndrome, ‘Beauty and the Beast’. I can remember discussing this one with my friend Shelley over shots of Tequila. A beautiful young woman’s father is captured by a disgusting, hairy and most likely smelly creature. In order to save her father, she volunteers to take pop’s place and become this prick’s prisoner. I have dated some assholes, but this dude takes the grand prize. He has absolutely no redeeming qualities. The meaner he is, the harder this dumb broad tries to win him over. She’s clearly emotionally crippled. Obviously, if your man mistreats you, you should kiss his ass and maybe put on some lipstick to be prettier for him. Once again, my version would have ended much differently… a post-escape 911 call and maybe some mace.

Don’t even try to tell me that ‘Pinocchio’ isn’t about the creepiest story ever. A lonely old man builds a little boy out of wood for his own pleasure. Something tells me that Pinocchio’s nose wasn’t the only growing wood in this fairy tale. Sure the old perv was longing for a ‘real boy’. The splinters must have sucked. I think I saw Gepetto on FamilyWatchDog.com while researching neighborhood pedophiles. If not, some old dude in Lakewood bears a striking resemblance. Last but not least is Disney’s resident whore, ‘The Little Mermaid’. Obviously, by the way she dressed there was no maternal influence. Evidently, even sea dads have trouble controlling their daughters. This girl essentially sells out her father in order to become human so she can get it on with some land dweller. By the way, this also wins the prize for worst prince name… ERIC. It just doesn’t sound right, does it? Prince Eric? For once, I want to see a Disney movie that ends with a princess drinking margaritas with her girlfriends and posting a twisted personal ad about her ‘prince’ on Craig’s List. Is that too much to ask?


4 Responses to “My Twisted Take On Kid’s Movies”

  1. 1 Amy
    January 18, 2010 at 10:30 pm

    By far my favorite. I needed a laugh and you delivered!!!

  2. 2 Beth
    January 19, 2010 at 2:14 am

    I thought I was the only parent who noriced this BS about Disney! Thanks for articulating what has needed to be said for a very long time!!!!

  3. 3 Julie
    January 30, 2010 at 5:52 pm

    wow! i laughed so hard i almost peed myself! OMG!!!

  4. 4 Ray
    April 27, 2010 at 12:29 am

    BRILLIANT Jen…I HATE Disney…pure evil! And you hit the nail right on the head…what IS up with all the parental deaths?

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About the Broad

A humorous look at dating in your mid-thirties and the other hilarious things that happen around us on a daily basis.

April 2010
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