Sex and the single mom… don’t offer him animal crackers afterwards and other rules to live by

I’ve been a single mother for over two years now, and for the record it’s not easy at all. My reign as a newly single mother kicked off with a bang… literally. Unfortunately, it wasn’t the good kind. I was in a pretty serious car accident before the ink on the divorce papers had completely dried. I underwent surgery to repair my foot which was basically shattered to pieces. I was sentenced to four months on crutches with no weight bearing of any kind or driving. Awesome, huh? I was all of a sudden a 35 year old, one-legged single mom with a serious attitude problem and a bus pass. I tried desperately to find the silver lining in the disaster my life had become. All I could come up with? I lost fifteen pounds as a result of the situation. Let me tell you, you REALLY have to want those Doritos to crutch your way to the kitchen and back with the bag dangling from your teeth. That divorce/car accident diet works every time.

Once my stay in purgatory ended, I was dreading venturing out into the singles scene for good reason. For many men, having a child is an absolute deal breaker. It adds pressure that a lot of guys aren’t prepared to handle. They envision that all of us lonely mommies are out trolling for baby’s new daddy, when in fact all we want is to have the chance to be involved in any type of adult interaction. Unfortunately, there’s a huge double standard for single parents out there. If you’re a single dad, there’s a chance your stock has actually risen. You’re now seen as an ultra sensitive, responsible adult that any woman would be lucky to have. For us, they can’t get past the black hole that our vaginas have certainly become after passing a human skull through there. They shudder at the mere mention of children which can be fairly amusing if you have a sense of humor. If you detect that a man’s uncomfortable with the concept, simply launch into a compelling conversation about baby poop or retell your tale of excruciating childbirth and how many stitches you required. Say something like, “It was as if a landmine went off down there.” Trust me… this isn’t a guy you want to waste another minute on, so you might as well have a little fun with it. Don’t use your status as a mom as anything less than a screening tool. Who wants to be bothered with some turd who’s unable to see past the fact that you used to lactate?

We have to be much better at the screening process than our single, childless friends. If you’re even going to know what city I live in, rest assured that you’ve been Googled and filtered through the national registry of sex offenders more than once. We certainly can’t run the risk of men thinking our children are hotter than us. I can say with confidence that a guy has to be pretty amazing to earn an introduction to my child. At the very least, I consider that man to be the type of person that I can see a substantial ongoing friendship with. In that regard, men are right in taking this type of thing very seriously. They should consider the honor and the level of respect that a woman must have for him to let him play legos with her kid. Besides, all of us could use a break every now and then. There are some clear cut positive things that every man should consider before pulling a Houdini when he finds out about Junior. Women with kids are better listeners, less selfish, and we know how to remove splinters in the event that there should be some kind of unfortunate headboard incident. I’ve compiled a short list of behaviors single moms should avoid if they ever want another man to touch them again. I hope you find this useful because I’m still on the learning curve.

Rule #1- Resist the urge to tell adorable little kid stories every chance you get. It’s hard for us as mothers not to pass along each and every hilarious thing little Tommy does. The reality of it is that it can make us appear like we don’t have any valuable adult conversation to contribute. Next time there’s a lull in the conversation, don’t automatically defer to the time Tommy flushed his match box cars down the toilet. If you can’t muster up anything interesting to say, maybe you should consider a hand job to hold his interest.

Rule #2- NEVER under any circumstances add ‘Y’ to the end of any words. It’s the most asinine thing we do as mothers with our children. “who wants a drinky?” Even a 9 month old will give you a look as if something’s just not right. Break the habit now before it’s too late.

Rule #3- Regardless of how delicious the combination might be, do not offer him a Berry Blast Capri Sun and a bowl of Easy Mac and label it ‘snacktime’. No need for post-coital offerings of gummy bears or animal crackers either. That’s just creepy.

Rule #4- For the love of god… look in the mirror. If the only place you can locate your current hairstyle on TV is Charlie’s Angels reruns, take that as a giant hint. If you can’t find those jeans you love so much at any retail establishment, consider the fact that the stonewashed stretch jeans with no back pockets might not be the rage these days.

Rule #5- You’re a mom… but not HIS mom. Don’t constantly ask him if he’s doing alright, having fun etc. Some recent unsolicited feedback leads me to believe that could be considered smothering. It’s not lost on me that the word ‘mother’ is prominently featured in that word. If he happens to get a little wing sauce on his face, let it be. He’ll figure it out on his own eventually. He’s a big boy.


2 Responses to “Sex and the single mom… don’t offer him animal crackers afterwards and other rules to live by”

  1. 1 Sammy
    September 1, 2010 at 9:31 pm

    A friend of mine showed me this.. That was pertty good I have to admit.

  2. May 6, 2013 at 11:48 pm

    I like reading through a post that will make men and women think.
    Also, thank you for allowing for me to comment!

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About the Broad

A humorous look at dating in your mid-thirties and the other hilarious things that happen around us on a daily basis.

May 2010
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