01
Jul
10

Is He The Doc Gooden of Your Love Life?

If I’m speaking from personal experience, I can say that undoubtedly one of my biggest problems with relationships is that I tend to make excuses for douchy behavior. I’ve struggled with this for as long as I can remember. When a guy shifts into dickhead mode, I automatically reference some great thing he did once upon a time. I would love to tell you that it’s because I try so hard to find the good in people, but realistically I think most people are complete assholes. We’ll go ahead and call bullshit on that ill-conceived theory and forge ahead. It’s more likely that I thoroughly enjoy a good project. I once spent about a half dozen years trying to solve a Rubik’s cube because I couldn’t admit that I was failure’s bitch. I finally became so dejected that I began peeling stickers off the damn thing, muttering to myself like an escaped mental patient.

Let me clarify by stating that I have to be really into someone before I resort to this pathetic chain of behavior. We’ve already established that I hate most people. I’ve broken it off with guys for a bevy of different reasons, such as: 1- saying ‘anywho’. 2- Playing ‘Your Body is a Wonderland’ on a bar jukebox where unsuspecting patrons might come to the conclusion that I’m the responsible party. 3- Wearing a white belt. In short, I really have to dig a guy before I allow this culture of forgiveness based on previous good deeds. An ex-boyfriend of mine was really amazing when we first started dating. He was romantic, thoughtful and showered me with gifts. There was a fairly steady decline that did not go un-noticed, but I cut this dude a lot of slack. By year four, he forgot my birthday, hit on a skank I worked with and bought my Valentine’s Day gift at BP on his way home from his 3rd shift job at the Ford plant. It was a very special $3.00 box of chocolates with a cartoon bear on the front of the heart shaped cardboard box. If that wasn’t insulting enough, he ate half of them on the commute to my house for his late night booty call. All that was left was a few crappy nougat based dark chocolate ones. That monster ate all of the caramels! He capped it off with a classy little treat called a ‘panty-rose’… Oh yeah, it’s exactly what it sounds like. What girl isn’t dying for a one-size fits all pair of pink lace panties on a stick balled up to resemble a rose? Forgiveness only goes so far. Once you tread into panty-rose territory, there’s no going back.

I’m a huge sports fan, so I like to use the careers of athletes as a method of comparison. For example, it’s common knowledge that you should attempt to exit while you’re still on top of your game. There’s no sense in risking all that has been accomplished in your career by riding the pine at the end of the road. In my opinion, the poster boy for this concept and why it should be adhered to is Doc Gooden. Do you want to remember 1985 pitching phenom, billboard in Times Square Doc Gooden or 2001 minor league contract, DUI mug shot Doc Gooden? By the time that shit show was said and done, he couldn’t even convince the warden to put him in the starting rotation in the Florida state penitentiary league. The worst part of the whole ordeal is that Major League Baseball teams kept signing him to contracts based on the fact that he used to be Doc Gooden. The message here is simple… don’t let a man become the Doc Gooden of your love life by keeping him on your mound too long. There are no winners in this situation. Just because he still manages to get one over the plate on occasion, doesn’t mean that the bean ball to the face is going to hurt any less. He’s not the guy he used to be and the sooner you come to terms with this, the better off you will be. My guess is that Monica Gooden is all too familiar with the panty-rose.

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1 Response to “Is He The Doc Gooden of Your Love Life?”


  1. July 1, 2010 at 9:14 pm

    Entertaining and funny as hell…as always.


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About the Broad

A humorous look at dating in your mid-thirties and the other hilarious things that happen around us on a daily basis.

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