04
Jul
10

Dating Free Agency

You’ll all be happy to know that I declared Free Agency last night at 12:01 am. I hate feeling left out, and there were far too people having discussions that didn’t revolve around me. Lakewood came to the table fairly quickly with the offer of a dozen teriyaki wings (all drum… not too shabby) and a domestic draft beer of my choice. I know this might not seem like the best deal, but it’s my home town and that’s where my heart is. I’m very partial to avoiding any potential DUI related activity, so staying local is a natural choice. My friend Jen is my agent/ leader of my posse if you will. Any deals will ultimately go through her. She encouraged me to evaluate my options and consider holding out for a burger upgrade and perhaps a beer that was worth more than a dollar.

As we left the first bar, Around the Corner, I was a little disappointed with the effort surrounding Lakewood’s attempts at getting the deal inked. After the rally for LeBron yesterday at which 3,000 people showed up with hand-made glitter signs begging him to stay in town, I thought for sure there would be at least minor hoopla surrounding my meetings. I only saw two signs: one that said something about working for food… blah blah blah, and one offering two for one lap dances at a local titty bar. At this point, sensing my frustration, Jen suggested that downtown Cleveland might be an option. My judgment had become a little cloudy at this point because of all of the shooters, so I was almost duped into the big city life. Then, I remembered that I hate people who wear Affliction tees and model themselves after ‘The Situation’ and all those other Jersey Shore douchebags. This is surely what downtown would present me with and that’s a risk I couldn’t take. The potential for me becoming involved in some sort of murder rap becomes much more significant when placed in these scenarios. Besides, the homeless people are much more advanced there. They actually attempt to sell you things in lieu of your typical straight pitch for change with no services rendered. I can’t even tell you how many gross balls of popcorn wrapped in cellophane I purchased in the late 90’s outside of the Basement in the Flats.

As my meetings wound down last night, Westlake made a strong showing and has probably earned a second meeting. I have a few calls into some free agent friends of mine, because clearly we travel in packs. I’m thinking some sort of package deal might be in order. As awesome as I can be… I’m not sure I should be expected to carry the entire burden on my shoulders. It would be great to have someone available to do all of the shit I hate: Cleaning house, back rubs, being nice, etc. We could form this ‘dream team’ of free agent bitches of sorts. I’m going to have my agent draw up a proposal and see if maybe Lakewood gets on the ball with some sort of poster board showing of affection or maybe even a catchy little tune written in my honor. All in all, my initial tour was a bit lack-luster but the teriyaki wings were delicious and I managed to get a little tipsy on Lakewood’s dime.

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1 Response to “Dating Free Agency”


  1. July 4, 2010 at 3:10 pm

    I really do like your spin on things…


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About the Broad

A humorous look at dating in your mid-thirties and the other hilarious things that happen around us on a daily basis.

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