12
Jul
10

My open letters to LeBron, Dan Gilbert and the jersey burners

Genius at work

Douchebags in the news: Volume 1

Originally, I had planned on introducing this recurring segment based on random idiots that have appeared in the news the past week. It’s with an overwhelming sense of embarrassment, that I defer to the notion that there are truly no bigger douchebags than the ones in my backyard this week. I’m referring, of course to the various entities involved in LeBron James’ nationally televised clusterfuck, “The Decision’. I realize that it’s all we’ve talked about ad nauseum, but this really needs to be done. The idea that anyone would actually take sides on this ridiculous issue astounds me. Let me take a few moments to explain to you why all parties in this situation are equally as pathetic. I’ve chosen to write heartfelt letters to each of them…

Dear Lebron,

You’re a 25 year old professional athlete, so regrettably you automatically fall into douchedom. It’s probably not even your fault and I’m not sure it’s fair to hold you fully accountable if you act like a prick. I know guys who act like that after a good night as starting pitcher on the beer league softball team. Imagine how this guy might act if other dudes wore his name and number stitched on his back. You’re fortunate that your mom didn’t trade you in for a fifth of Jack Daniels before you were old enough to walk. That alone is a huge accomplishment, and look at how you’ve fared since. Granted, it may have been ill-advised to seek her advice or Maverick Carter’s for that matter… Not the two I would go to if the ‘phone a friend’ option should present itself. I’m sure your boy thought it would be awesome to rip out the collective hearts of an entire city on national television, but that may have been a risky PR move. I mean, what were you thinking? You know he’s had 18 traffic violations in ten years, right? I’m not sure it’s the right move to put your multi-million dollar career on the line based on the ideas of a guy that can’t figure out what a stop sign looks like. Seriously, how do you almost go to prison for nothing other than sucking at driving? Maybe you should consider floating him a few bucks to let a professional take care of the really tricky stuff like reading a speedometer. With that being said, the weather is awesome in Miami, the night life’s amazing and the chicks are hella hot (did I use that right?) So… well played there. Good luck with your image as I’m sure Nike will end up sending more than a handful of Witness tees to Guatemala to unload them.

Dear Dan Gilbert,

What are you… Five? Jesus Christ, what was going through your head when you wrote that open letter to the Cavs community? It’s as if you were a child throwing a temper tantrum and taking all of your toys home because you couldn’t be Hans Solo in the nerdy Star Wars game you were playing. You really should have gone with the whole hacking angle when the disbelieving media outlets assumed that a drunken jersey burner had penetrated the team website and posted that ridiculous tirade. Trust me, I’ve sent some pretty entertaining texts to boyfriends after a scandalous night of Jaeger Bombs, but I think you still win. How can you promise this city a championship before Lebron wins one? I, for one feel like that may have been some sort of thinly veiled assassination threat against the ‘Chosen One’. C’mon… you’d almost have to murder him to keep that insane commitment. I realize that you’re a complete bullshitter and you’ve made a pretty solid living out of it, and I have to admit that I dig that. However, I don’t care to buy a house from you anytime in the near future and honestly believe that you bear some responsibility for the collapse of the economy. Everyone knows that you can’t finance a home with the Ohio Direction card and Chuck E Cheese tokens. Well… they do now! Also, I lied and said I voted for Issue 3, the gambling thingy, when it was on the ballot. I took all the signs home and put them in my neighbor’s yards. Boy, were they pissed! They now hate you for your persistence. Yelling, “I BET you’re voting for Issue 3” out the window as they furiously removed a dozen lawn signs from their perfectly manicured yards never got old. Damn, I’m a cut-up! You’ll be happy to know that a few of the bumper stickers ended up on unsuspecting cabbie’s bumpers though. Crazy Saturday nights in Lakewood… what can I say? In a nutshell, it was a total dick move on both your parts, but you’re not 25 so you lose. What’s next? Are you headed to bath Township to TP the ‘self-proclaimed King’s’ house?

Dear Drunken jersey burners,

Let me get this straight… you bought yourself an $80 swingman jersey and set it on fire because your team’s best player decided to go chase tail in south Beach? Hmm, well I’m sure that makes perfect sense on some planet, especially during a recession. What message were you trying to send other than jerseys manufactured in Haiti are extremely flammable? Did you consider the option of just not wearing it anymore and maybe sparing yourself a potential arson charge when your drunk ass accidentally set your girlfriend’s hair on fire? I’m no fire marshall, but I’m fairly confident that’s a direct violation of some sort of fire code. The fact that you morons were so proud of yourselves for your borderline felonious behavior landing you on Sportscenter is humiliating to a fair number of Clevelanders who don’t set shit on fire for fun. Kudos for making the entire country think that’s an honest representation of our city. You have achieved maximum doucheosity so congratulations on that dubious achievement. It’s refreshing to know that we’re now viewed as a community of suicidal freaks with nothing to live for because some dickhead that plays basketball doesn’t want to plow his driveway next season. Genius!

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1 Response to “My open letters to LeBron, Dan Gilbert and the jersey burners”


  1. July 12, 2010 at 11:55 pm

    Once again you’ve captured the essence…


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About the Broad

A humorous look at dating in your mid-thirties and the other hilarious things that happen around us on a daily basis.

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