Do you suck at Facebook?

How many times have you logged onto Facebook and seen a compelling status update such as, “I’m at Taco Bell!!”? I always have to fight the urge to respond with, “Please tell us more about your chalupa fueled adventure.” In my mind, I try to sort through why anyone thinks this is important information or even worthy of sharing. Here’s a tip… Unless you’re at a Taco Bell that’s on fire, full of Asians, or out of tacos, there doesn’t appear to be a story here. As much as I’ve enjoyed hearing of your love for crappy Mexican fast food, I don’t give a shit. It’s not interesting and neither are you. That may sound harsh, but the pointless status updates have just gotten to be too much. I hope you’ll use this as helpful advice, because nobody’s apt to tell you how badly you suck at Facebook.

Let’s touch on a few status updates that nobody cares about. You can all thank me later. It’s completely unnecessary for anyone to post “Off to bed!”, “Nite nite, Facebook”, or anything else related to your sleep patterns. Until further notice, we will all assume that you likely go to sleep on a fairly regular basis. Now, if you’re “off to bed with a one armed hooker”… that’s notable. I would probably ‘like’ that update. If you’re a countdown facebooker, you’re not fooling anyone. We all know that the “11 more days til Tahiti”, is simply a ploy to give you an additional ten days of status updates that nobody reads. It might make you feel relevant, but you’re not. We all can’t wait for you to leave, so we don’t have to hear about it anymore. A lot of parents tend to post potty training updates, whether the new baby slept through the night, and other things best left between you, your sister and your best friend. E-mail them, because quite frankly, the rest of us don’t care if little Frankie pisses his pants until freshman year of high school.

If you’re married or cohabitating, please just walk into the other room and tell that person you love them. Is there ever need for the ‘wall-to-wall’ conversation on that front? I’m assuming that since you share a bedroom, you have access to each other’s cell phone digits. Pick up the god-damned phone while he’s at work, and quit subjecting the rest of us to your vomit-inducing love fests. I highly doubt that your vows included, “I promise to love you, respect you and write on your Facebook wall regularly until death do us part.” Most of us believe you’re in love sans the public daily announcement.

Under no circumstances should you use fake words like ‘dat’ or ‘dem’ in a public forum. Nobody understands what you’re talking about. It’s as if you’re competing in some sort of regional illiteracy challenge. With that being said, you should also make proof reading a priority. I suggest you invest in a ‘smart’ phone, because clearly you’re not. Nobody wants to read an entry without basic capitalization and punctuation.

Facebook is not the place to talk about migraines, depression, goiters, extreme cases of flatulence or any other ailment. I’m not suffering from depression and I’d like to keep it that way. I don’t need the status update from a practical stranger leaving me tying a slip knot and looking for a sturdy ceiling fan. Pick up the phone and call someone who can help you… because social media is not a substitute for the professionals at the local suicide hotline. If you’re teetering on the edge of suicide and spend all of your free time playing Farmville, Mafia Wars or any other version of these mind numbing games, please figure out how to keep it off your news feed. I’m an animal lover, but I don’t care about your little lost black sheep. Quite frankly, I hope your favorite cow dies a slow, painful, imaginary Farmville death. In my opinion, Facebook should be entertaining and lighthearted. Don’t feel compelled to post something when you don’t have anything worthwhile to say. Chances are that if you’re at McDonalds… you don’t even care. Why should we? I hope some of you have found this information useful. Now… let the de-friending begin!


1 Response to “Do you suck at Facebook?”

  1. August 24, 2010 at 9:44 pm

    WOW!!! I am posting this DAILY for all my “friends” to see. I really enjoy when they send their current location via Facebook, as if I was on pins and needles waiting to see if they arrived at work safely!
    As always you make me laugh and drive home a point like no other broad! Bravo chickie!

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About the Broad

A humorous look at dating in your mid-thirties and the other hilarious things that happen around us on a daily basis.

August 2010
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