17
Oct
10

My Sweetest Day Hangover

Shockingly, I’m not a fan of any holiday that is designed to remind people whether they’re in love or not. I couldn’t be less attached at the moment, but if I had a man I’d prefer that he not be a mindless drone. Is society seriously full of a bunch of idiots who run out and buy candy and flowers on command? I’m clearly not one of those women who will get all bent out of shape if you forget Sweetest Day or Valentine’s Day. In fact, I hope you do. Why on Earth would I want a man to show a crap load of fake affection because the candy industry could really use a spike this time of year? Aside from that, why the hell would I want to go to a restaurant full of people who find it worthwhile? Let me get this straight… We’ll need a reservation, the food will likely take three times as long, and the place will be full of canoodling couples on dates? That my friends, is exactly how I envision hell. Leave it to Cleveland to decide that one of these mush fests isn’t quite enough in a calendar year.

I’m originally from New York, so upon relocating to Ohio I had no idea what Sweetest Day was. Not many outside of Ohio, Michigan and Illinois do. I was managing a little retail store when one of my regular customers wished me a happy Sweetest Day. I must have looked at this poor woman like she just walked off a space ship as I said, “Umm… you obviously must be confused. I’m not Swedish and I didn’t realize they had their own special day. How does one commemorate such an occasion? Swedish meatball buffet and an appearance by the bikini team?” After a vigorous line of questioning, I determined that it was essentially just a Valentine’s Day wannabe and I’ve refused to participate since. I did attend a Sweetest Day wedding in 1997 which also happened to be game 1 of the World Series. In hindsight, I feel bad for MF’ing the bride for her delusion that this was a romantic day for a wedding. The Indians lost the World Series in the 11th inning of game 7 and the marriage didn’t last much longer. I feel slightly responsible for both.

Sweetest day is always celebrated the third Saturday in October and was launched in Cleveland in 1921 by some random guy. He was a candy store employee that decided on his own (wink wink) to spread goodwill through confectionary, teeth-rotting sweets. I for one believe that there’s probably some underground candy mafia behind it. However, I am determined now more than ever to start a holiday of my own. I’ve had just about enough of the facetiousness that accompanies the majority of these holidays. I want there to be a day where we can all contribute to society in a positive way without all of the phoniness . If the objective here is to stimulate the economy… I can play along with that. What if there was a day each year where we all went out and purchased a really large shirt for someone who clearly doesn’t know they need one? We’ve all seen the 4X woman in the size Medium shirt, with her bazooms flopping everywhere. Something like this would benefit a great number of people, and possibly prevent a few car accidents as well. We could call it ‘Fattest Day’ or something equally as catchy. Not the best name for a holiday, but C’mon neither is Sweetest Day. Just a thought.

As for me, my ‘holiday’ was spent on my couch drinking a $3.99 bottle of wine straight from the bottle and watching a Law N Order SVU marathon. I said ‘I love you’ to that bottle at least twice, and the only present I received was PMS. It was a perfect evening. Much better than having to wait an hour for my appetizers.

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About the Broad

A humorous look at dating in your mid-thirties and the other hilarious things that happen around us on a daily basis.

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