If my ass was a basketball court…

If baffles me that people actually go to bars with any expectation of meeting someone. This approach is so flawed, it’s laughable. I’m by no means suggesting that you can’t meet anyone worthwhile over a few cold ones at the watering hole… shit, I love bars. My point is: you can’t TRY to do that. You’re setting yourself up for monumental disappointment if this is your strategy. A dear friend of mine was feeling horrible after experiencing a painful divorce, so we went out to see a band play and have about fifty drinks. I saw that look on her face as she panned the crowd, only to see fist-pumping, Affliction tee shirt wearing assholes everywhere. She surely was looking for a sturdy ceiling fan and a long rope. I knew I needed to take immediate action. I instructed her to pick out the biggest idiot in the room. Who makes your stomach churn most? She pointed half-heartedly at a very young white boy wearing a ridiculous fedora styled hat. “That hat’s so douchy, it might as well be an applicator tip.” she muttered. Ok, Done. At this point, I called the bartender over and asked her what stud boy was drinking. I grabbed a beverage napkin and a sharpie, because why wouldn’t I have one of those on hand? I scrawled neatly on the napkin, “If my ass was a basketball court, would you bounce your balls on it?” then I put a lip print on it and handed it to the bartender. We watched as she proceeded over to douche nozzle’s table and set his bud light draft on the napkin, stating that it was from an admirer. Within seconds, he was proudly passing the napkin around the table. As if any relatively normal chick would use THAT as an icebreaker. He was on a mission to find this dream girl and practically tripped trying to get to the bar to find out her identity. I’ve seriously never seen anyone that happy. We watched while he approached virtually every woman in that bar, trying to sniff out whether she was the one looking for his doggy style loving. Sadly, he never did locate her. We let the guys next to us in on the game, because they seemed relatively normal. I think they enjoyed it even more than we did, and bought us drinks because of the added entertainment value. And that, my friends is how you successfully meet people at bars.

I have to admit that it wasn’t the first time I used that particular game to add a little fun to my evening at the expense of others. The first time was when Bobby Sura still played for the Cavs. He was one of my favorite people to make fun of. One night in particular, I felt like screwing with Bobby for my own personal enjoyment. I immediately noticed that there were two rather large, giggly broad’s on the other side of the bar vying for his attention. They both had bleached, feathered hair, skin-tight clothes and gobs of unflattering make-up. Jackpot! I sent a drink across the bar to Bobby, complete with smutty napkin. The bartender indicated that it was from Thing 1 and Thing 2, and walked away. Watching his level of discomfort was by far one of the most gratifying things EVER. He mustered a weak thank-you wave across the bar at the monsters, and they completely freaked because they had no idea why this NBA player was acknowledging them. They were jumping up and down hugging each other in disbelief. Bobby was horrified. At one point, he actually asked me to protect him by pretending to be his girlfriend. Hell no, you’re on your own, pal! I finally admitted that I wrote the note about two months later. I was afraid the experience was keeping him up at night and affecting his game.

The point is this… If you walk into a bar expecting to stumble upon some great love connection, you’re out of your mind. Most people can’t make that type of judgment based on physical traits and under the influence of adult beverages. If you’re able to take a step back and realize how hilarious the whole scene is, you’ll be much better off. At that point, you might shake up a few people with a decent sense of humor at the very least. Who says playing games is bad? I say… bring it!


2 Responses to “If my ass was a basketball court…”

  1. 1 Sean
    November 7, 2010 at 2:03 pm

    Ah Jen, you are evil… brilliant, but evil.

  2. April 17, 2013 at 2:46 pm

    Good day! This is kind of off topic but I need some help from an established blog.

    Is it difficult to set up your own blog? I’m not very techincal but I can figure things out pretty quick. I’m thinking about setting up my own but I’m not sure where to begin. Do you have any tips or suggestions? Cheers

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About the Broad

A humorous look at dating in your mid-thirties and the other hilarious things that happen around us on a daily basis.

November 2010
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