The Broad’s Side of online dating

I’ve always openly mocked online dating and the level of desperation that typically accompanies it. After some thoughtful consideration, I decided that maybe I wasn’t being fair since I’d never tried it and clearly my choices in men aren’t all that great. After all, how much worse could it be than my recent experiences? The last guy that screwed me over voluntarily shaved all of all his body hair and donned a swimsuit and a poorly shaped brunette wig for a Halloween costume. I think his toenails were still painted pink when he used that foot to kick my ass to the curb. Quite frankly, he actually looked better as a woman.

I swallowed my pride and posted what I considered to be a fairly entertaining profile, complete with the stipulation that any men that thought it a wise decision to go shirtless in their profile picture would automatically disqualify themselves from contention. I immediately received an overwhelming number of responses, primarily from the retirement home sector of the online dating community. It’s like I sent out a casting call for one of the ‘Cocoon’ movies, asking for head shots and bios. One old fellow claimed he was 65, but I’m pretty sure he was the same guy that dated Rose on a few episodes of the Golden Girls. He tirelessly pursued me with his ‘winks’, which are evidently what you’re supposed to send to someone you fancy. I ignored him at first, but then I felt bad because he could potentially die at any moment. I politely replied that he was a tad old for me and that I was actively working the cougar angle (seeing as it has been wildly successful thus far). He refused to take no for an answer and pointed out that I’d absolutely adore his sense of humor. As the idea of his wrinkled old junk nagged at my brain, I sent back, “For the love of god… I don’t know CPR.” It might sound harsh, but there’s a glorious level of anonymity that partners with online ‘dating’. I’ll likely feel bad when I undoubtedly run into him trudging through Giant Eagle with his artificial hip/walker combination though. I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.

The monikers people select to brand themselves with in the online world is highly entertaining. Some of the irresistible gentlemen who appeared to really dig me were. ‘LonelyGuy16’ (and yes, it’s probably because LonelyGuy1-15 were already spoken for), ‘FreakyGuy’, ‘WannaBeUrMan’ and ‘Lurchdog’. If you’re contemplating the world of online dating, please take this piece of advice: Do not under any circumstances announce how ridiculously lonely and undesirable you are, suggest that you want to be anyone’s man that you’ve not yet met, or call yourself anything with the word ‘dog’ included. Simple enough? I’ll admit, I went through and doled out about a dozen ‘winks’ to guys that all looked exactly the same… tall, dark hair, light eyes and neatly trimmed facial hair. If you were to put together a Law and Order type photo array, you’d never be able to distinguish one from another. That’s my ‘type’ and so far… Jackpot! What I was unaware of at the time was that you inevitably cock-block yourself once you ‘wink’. Your conversation goes on lock-down until you subscribe. I batted 10 for 12, but I have no clue what any of them said in response since I’m a cheap ass.

Out of the 93 and counting inquiries I received, I only responded to one. He definitely fit the parameters of my ‘type’. His screen name was ‘Billy’, which I can deal with even though I’m not all that thrilled with people over the age of 8 calling themselves anything ending in ‘Y’. He sent me his phone number and we exchanged texts all afternoon, and surprisingly I found myself thinking he was pretty cool. I agreed to meet him for drinks and it just got better. He was well spoken, handsome, and very funny. The only drawback that was immediately evident was that his profile information wasn’t really gelling with what he was telling me. He had ‘just moved back from the West Coast ‘and was ‘looking to meet new people’. It turns out that he’d been back for four years… a presidential term, if you will. I wasn’t going to split hairs over it though. The other thing I found disturbing was that he didn’t seem to be very certain about where he resided. He stated that he lived with his mom part time and his sister the remaining days of the week. Like joint custody? Hmm… that’s odd. Ok, well he was hot so I continued to listen as the discrepancies mounted. That date ended on a fairly good note, even though I was keenly aware that he wasn’t being completely forthcoming. I chatted with him via text all day the following day and agreed to see him again that night. The night couldn’t have been more perfect. He seemed like a real catch… a great guy all-around. We made plans to see each other again Sunday, but he cancelled at the last minute saying that he was babysitting for his sister. Ok… that’s a little strange, but no big deal. Shit happens, I guess. The texts completely stopped and I didn’t hear from him all day. If you’ve EVER babysat, you know that your phone is your savior. You have all kinds of time to chat. Any 16 year old girl can tell you that. At this point, he could have told me he had another date lined up… wouldn’t have mattered. We just met, so I would’ve been cool with that. Babysitting? That’s the best you can muster? It was the most asinine excuse I’d heard in ages. He also told me that he was forbidden from having a Facebook page because he worked for the government, and yet… there he was! Jesus, the profile picture was the same one he used on the crappy dating site. Who the hell lies about Facebook? To what benefit? Needless to say, this guy turned out to be the Lord of all the douchebags I’ve ever dealt with. I can say with confidence that my foray into online dating has come to a screeching halt with Billy at the helm, probably lying over his religious beliefs, favorite TV shows and whether or not he likes pizza just for kicks. Maybe I would have been better off with old raisin nuts.


2 Responses to “The Broad’s Side of online dating”

  1. December 1, 2010 at 1:35 am

    …againn you manae to entertain & enlighten. Your comentary should be syndicated.

  2. 2 Ralph
    December 6, 2010 at 8:30 pm

    I met someone online once, we chatted for some time, she had no pic of herself. She told me she was a blonde, 5ft 2in. tall and was told she had a nice body. So I figured since she was a nice conversationalist, that meeting for coffee would be ok. So I get a booth at a local restaurant, ordered a coffee and waited. When she got there we had to move because she couldn’t fit in a booth, so we got a table, I had coffee, she had coffee and pie. I had a hard time understanding some of what she said because of the hair lip, (I’m not making this up). So I figure we can finish coffee, and pie, and I will tell her that it’s not going to work. Well as I’m walking her out to her car she tells me that we have to be careful if we go out, so her husband doesn’t see us. I don’t usually just blurt out foul language just for fun, but I found myself saying, “are you f*@king kidding me?” Anyway that did give me an easy out, I told her I would not date a married woman, and that was that. So that’s my internet dating story, and some won’t believe me but the story is true.

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About the Broad

A humorous look at dating in your mid-thirties and the other hilarious things that happen around us on a daily basis.

November 2010
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