My simple Christmas vision for a better world

I haven’t received a real Christmas present in years, largely because nobody can tolerate me for a full calendar year. Shockingly, I always end up single for the holidays so I end up giftless. Last year, for example, I got a $500 heat bill, a speeding ticket and my period for Christmas. It was very special, indeed. This year, I’ve decided to stay inside like a hermit for fear that this time around I’ll get something even more impressive, like a gunshot wound to the face. I likely wouldn’t even acknowledge the holidays at all if it weren’t for a certain four year old who expects me to sack up and play Santa.

I opted not to send Christmas cards this year, because I don’t really see the point in the once a year contact with people you don’t even really like. I always end up with a stack of photo cards of children I’ve never laid eyes on. It’s kind of creepy when you think about it. It’s almost like an Amber Alert… “Have you seen this child?” Umm… no I don’t believe I have, but those are some unfortunate buck teeth he’s sporting. Do you ever really know who has access to these 5×7 glossy photo delights? People tend to scotch tape them to doorway arches like some kind of shrine. This could easily be viewed as some sort of pedophilic playground for crazy Uncle Larry, complete with return mailing address information. As if I’m helping him scratch that itch… not gonna happen, pal. What’s even more disturbing are the families that dress alike and put antlers on their dog for their ‘Season’s Greetings’ shit storm of a card. Dad’s wearing a Santa hat with his turtleneck and the teenaged contingency always looks like they’re primed for a good shooting spree. I’d be willing to bet $20 that the Klebolds sent out a Christmas card with the whole crew wearing matching Christmas themed sweaters. Look how that panned out. Last year I sent out Kwanzaa photo cards with random inter-racial children on them just to see if anyone was paying attention. It looked like an advertisement for Baby Benetton. Not one person cared enough to ask where I got the adorable Asian toddler.

I have several small Christmas wishes that I’m hoping people will be willing to assist me with, since I’m probably getting Bronchitis in my stocking this year. I’m not naïve enough to believe that I can change the world, but I do believe that if we work together, we can surely make a difference. Here are my demands… Umm, I mean requests.

1- Please stop wearing Affliction, Ed Hardy, Tap-out or any other clear cut t-shirt billboards for douchedom. Although, I always appreciate the announcement that you are in fact a dickhole, I feel that society has had enough. Go ahead and get a sun tattoo around your belly button like a tool and keep it under wraps. It’s really better for everyone this way.

2- Ask yourself before putting thoughts into words, “Am I trying to say YOU ARE or simply using ‘your’ in the possessive sense?” Example: ‘your house’= acceptable. However ‘you’re house’… all of a sudden you are pretty much calling someone a fatass. I won’t split hairs, but obviously it would be ‘you’re A house’ in that context.

3- Don’t get people those awful tins of crappy flavored popcorn as Christmas gifts. Nothing says ‘I don’t give a shit about you and have no idea who you are or what you like’ in the same way that cheese popcorn does. You might as well throw in a fruit cake while you’re at it. If it’s already in the mail, you owe someone an apology, my friend. I’m almost glad nobody buys me presents. I’d be forced to list your car for sale on Craig’s List for $16 if that’s what you delivered.

4- Stop using the expression, “You know what I’m saying?” The answer is usually a resounding no. I’m a firm believer that people only say that when they’ve managed to confuse themselves. How the hell could I know what you’re saying, when clearly you don’t even know? Stop confirming that you’re a dumbass.

5- Men: stop lying about what it is you’re looking for with women. The evasive bullshit needs to stop. If you’re looking to get laid… say it! We’re much more likely to want to make your balls into a pair of earrings if you lie about your intentions. Most of you really suck at lying anyways. It seems so simple.

You too can make a difference. As for me, it’s time to throw away Christmas cards. Umm.. I mean hang them up for all to see!


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About the Broad

A humorous look at dating in your mid-thirties and the other hilarious things that happen around us on a daily basis.

December 2010
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