Suggestions for the Penis-haver on your list

Are you driving yourself ape-shit crazy with the last minute gift ideas for your man? Relax… I’m here to help. In these trying economic times, it can be rather frazzling trying to determine that perfect present. First off, it’s imperative that you understand the basic nature of the penis-haver. He’s not some complex specimen requiring exhaustive hours of research. The biggest mistake we make as women is that we insist that they can be ‘figured out’. No matter how many times you do the math, two plus two is always four. Stop attempting to crack some intricate DaVinci Code… it just isn’t there. I’ve taken a few moments to compile some useful, inexpensive gift ideas that are sure to be a huge hit with penis-havers everywhere. When I think of men, my mind always migrates directly to the big three:


It’s by no means a perfect science, but I’d be willing to wager that it’s far better than that dart in the dark you were about to throw. If you’re lazy and not particularly creative, you could always go with a sampling of his favorite micro-brewed beer. Around these parts, an offering of Great Lakes Christmas Ale after December 15th will likely reduce a grown man to tears. However, if you’re anything like me you’ll be unable to resist that evil temptress, and you’ll be driven to suck down a few. In most circles, it’s deemed socially unacceptable to gift a three pack, regardless whether or not there’s a big red bow involved. This brings us to the pornography angle. Scoff if you will, but you’re living in a bubble if you’re under the impression that your man doesn’t like it. The problem here is that the industry has made so many advances that it’s completely unnecessary to buy porn at one of those seedy Triple X stores with the non-descript black porno bags, or even to bootleg it. It’s all readily available via the Worldwide Web. How does one wrap a high speed internet connection? Only offer to watch with him if you’re able to embrace it. No man wants to feel like his mom just caught him masturbating to her Glamour magazine.

If you elect to go the sports route, for the love of God please do NOT get him a jersey with his favorite player’s name and number emblazoned on the back. Worse yet… his own name and random number! He’s not on the team, and the sooner he comes to terms with that, the better. We as a society really need to put our collective foot down when it comes to jersey wearers. You also might be tempted to do something cutesy like dress up like a trifling whore and seduce him during a football game. Trust me, this may be ill-advised. He’ll only get annoyed when it becomes clear that you don’t know the difference between a Quarterback and the lead singer of Nickleback. He’s not going to want to sit through your analysis of the Titan’s uniforms really bringing out the lovely blue eyes of the 2nd string Tight End. Chances are he’ll only want to donkey punch you… and not in the good way. If you are in fact sports retarded, you’ll need to listen very carefully. I have two words for you. HALFTIME HUMMER. End of story. Leave the room immediately thereafter, and if you can refrain from speaking at all, that’s a huge bonus. Best Gift Ever.

Thus far, my favorite gift I’ve come up with involves sex, so everybody wins. The key here is that you’ll need to be able to time the pizza delivery so that it arrives 3-5 minutes after completion. You’ll want to leave just enough time to throw some clothes on and grab the Dominoes coupon off the kitchen counter. There should be no talking about feelings, cuddling or other canoodling. I like to call this the Meat Lover’s special. Straight from penis to pepperoni with no distractions. I’m not really sure how that could miss. You can choose to heed my advice or go ahead and get him that watch or Enrique Iglesias cologne you’ve had your eye on. Chances are, he won’t tell you if your present sucks anyways.


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About the Broad

A humorous look at dating in your mid-thirties and the other hilarious things that happen around us on a daily basis.

December 2010
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