06
Jan
11

Will Work For Free House

In a truly inspiring story, a homeless crackhead with a lengthy list of felonies has been given the opportunity of a lifetime by the Cleveland Cavaliers organization. Ted Williams, the self described ‘man with the golden voice’ was plucked out of his dumpster this week and turned into an overnight internet sensation. Upon hearing his radio ready pipes, the Cavs offered him full-time employment and a free mortgage paid for by Quicken Loans which is their parent company. Wow… this is marketing genius, right? Something needs to be done when the only press you’re getting is centered around how many consecutive losses the team can manage to string together. Clearly, it’s a pathetic attempt on the Cavs part to remain relevant in any way possible, while simultaneously giving the impression that they give a shit about people. Great plan! I, for one was thrilled to hear how the Cavaliers are into second chances these days. I’m assuming this means that anyone who has been denied employment on the basis of a criminal record will be encouraged to re-apply immediately. Silly background checks… who needs ‘em? Somehow I doubt that Joe the maintenance guy securing a job collecting empty beer bottles and peanut shells would create the same media circus though.

I personally can’t wait to get my hands on the new homeless guy line of merchandise sure to be hitting the Team Shop shelves soon. T-shirts, paper bags to put your bottle of booze in, maybe some fake meth teeth with a C-sword logo on the left bicuspid. Of course, there will be a homeless guy doll with a little cardboard sign located right next to the moondog plush. Oh… the money they can make off this guy while pretending to be humanitarians is limitless. I’ll tell you what… the halftime show just became a whole lot more interesting. Maybe they’ll have the homeless guy partner with the Scream Team on some super creative routine where they all emerge from cardboard boxes and steal things from unsuspecting fans. Now THAT’S ‘Where Amazing Happens’. Ted and Austin Carr can Yuk it up and compete for the most nonsensical catch phrase of the game. This is gonna be awesome!

I’m not sure if anyone else remembers the gigantic mortgage crisis that essentially crippled the economy. It’s fairly fresh in my mind, considering it just happened. In a nutshell, mortgage companies were pimping loans to people who clearly couldn’t afford to be homeowners. All of those people are ironically all homeless now. What better way to overcome that clusterfuck than giving a vagrant a free house! Way to go, Quicken Loans… You and all of your caring! You might have been better served to personally offer each and every default loan holder a punch in the face.

With that being said, I’m certainly all about giving people second chances… as long as you level the playing field. Doing good deeds simply because they cast you in a positive media light is not what it’s all about. Any amount of research into this guy’s background may have given a reasonable person pause. ‘Woops… I knocked someone up’ is a lot different than ‘woops I knocked someone up nine times.’ Your fifth felony is well beyond what second chances are made of. If you dig deeper and consider statistics on commission of a crime vs times someone is actually caught… you do the math. Some will argue that the homeless lifestyle is what drove this guy to a life of crime, and I’m sure that’s a factor. My problem is that at some point, there was a conscious decision to smoke crack, stop showing up for work and ignore the fact that he had nine children. In my book, that’s an asshole pure and simple. On what planet is it a solid business decision to blindly make such employment offers? My guess is that they conduct a minimum of two interviews and a criminal background check before they’ll hire a cashier for the Team Shop. I’m not buying into this warm and fuzzy bullshit. I refuse to take anyone seriously that makes business decisions based on You-Tube clips, fortune cookies or Magic 8 balls. Oh well, Maybe the Miami Heat will attempt to sweeten the pot by also offering jobs and mortgages to two of Ted’s buddies. I smell homeless guy package deal in the air.

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1 Response to “Will Work For Free House”


  1. 1 Sean
    January 6, 2011 at 6:48 pm

    *stands and applauds*


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About the Broad

A humorous look at dating in your mid-thirties and the other hilarious things that happen around us on a daily basis.

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