De-Friended By A True Friend

One of my least favorite things about Facebook is all of the stupid forwarded messages. You know the ones I’m referring to… “If your husband holds your hand while you skip through tulips…” blah blah blah. You’re then supposed to post this message in agreement and to show that evidently you’re a fabulous spouse, parent, child, dentist, etc. I find it mind numbing at best. It’s even worse when they try to guilt you into posting some type of cancer or equally as tragic disease message. Like I want to feel responsible for some guy losing his left nut because I didn’t post the ‘I hate Cancer’ forward. I became embroiled in a bit of a Facebook tiff over one of these messages posted by a ‘friend’ regarding the imaginary rape of a child. The message went as follows…

‘This guy raped a five year old little girl. He ruined her life, she is alive & in the hospital can’t move and can never have children, or a normal life. This guy goes by different names he is in hiding & has AIDS. The girl came out positive. Please help us catch this animal. Every time this message is fwd the Dell Hospital will donate $.15 to Maria’s medication & treatment. Please don’t hesitate to fwd this. It could’ve been you’re daughter or sister. God bless. Thank you!. Forward this to as many people as you can.’

Please ignore the obvious issues with commas. I’m just the messenger here and wanted to post it exactly as it was featured on this dumbass’ Facebook wall. There was even a picture of the AIDS afflicted, pedophilic rapist attached. I’m awe-struck that anyone would read this and genuinely feel like there was an ounce of truth to it, let alone re-post it. I simply replied that it was a hoax and that no hospital on the planet uses text messages and Facebook posts to generate donations for a child’s healthcare expenses. Oh, plus it originated in June last year. Someone’s a little slow on the draw. The friend in question, Bobby Friend (totally not joking, by the way), proceeded to fly off his steroid hinged handle because I belittled him by insinuating that this wasn’t a true story. In my best estimation, some pissed off girlfriend decided to get even with her no-good, cheating man. What better way to get that party started than to post a disparaging rumor via social media? Bobby went nuts… for four days.

Just to clarify, I met this charming guy Bobby Friend exactly once for about twenty minutes. It was painful at best. He was wearing a long-sleeved red be-dazzled Ed Hardy shirt and a blank look on his face. I seriously thought that maybe ‘PUNK’D’ was making a comeback because my friend Melanie actually thought I’d have an interest in this tool. We ordered up a round of shots and my other friend Michelle noted, “Bobby, you might not like this. It doesn’t have Creatine in it.” However, it’s hardly as much fun mocking people who just don’t get it. Clearly, Michelle and I both were rewarded with friend requests the next day. I was not surprised at all to find out that Bobby gets punched and kicked in the face for a living. He’s some sort of MMA fighter, which I reckon might impress some broads. PUH-LEASE! As if this guy could remember a birthday? I’m personally a fan of the ‘smarts’. I imagined Bobby Friend fake punching his way into the ring wearing one of those boxing robes… only the hood on his would be Elmo’s head. How freaking awesome would that be? “Bobby Friend, the friendly, face punching, kidney kicking phenom.” Pure Marketing genius.

I’m pretty masterful at the art of debate, largely because I’m fairly intelligent. Arguing with this douchebag was like trying to explain to Corky from “Life Goes On” why he couldn’t drive the family car on the sidewalk. Bobby had such magical insults as “ DO YOU HAVE SNAKES in your head?????” Umm.. I’m not certain what the hell that means. Wouldn’t I feel that? Yes. Yes, Bobby Friend. I am, in fact Medusa. I am a snake headed freak. Maybe steroids cause those types of hallucinations. In a fit of Hulkish roid rage, Bobby de-friended me on Facebook and I’ve been crying for three hours. How am I to get along in life without Bobby Friend, my hour long friend? This is worse than the day I found out that IHOP down the street was closing its doors forever. WHYYYYY? I plan to spend the rest of my day trying to piece my life together after this devastating loss. If the rest of you don’t mind, could you start combing the streets for this AIDS patient? Apparently, he’s hiding so be sure to look under the couch and in closets.


3 Responses to “De-Friended By A True Friend”

  1. 1 Shannon
    January 7, 2013 at 1:12 pm

    hahaha this is Great! Bobby friend is far from an MMA fighter. Apparently he believes telling folks this is what he does for a living is supposed to impress them. Bobby Friends is the king of losers. He is a compulsive liar, cheater and thief. My suggestion for anyone that comes into contact with him is to run run run faaar away.

  2. May 17, 2013 at 10:13 pm

    Hi! This post couldn’t be written any better! Reading this post reminds me of my previous room mate! He always kept talking about this. I will forward this write-up to him. Fairly certain he will have a good read. Many thanks for sharing!

  3. July 17, 2013 at 5:46 pm

    Well to me Martial Arts means respect and discipline.
    I have trained in different Martial arts now for well
    over twenty years. I have seen quite a lot of people stick around but one thing that
    I have noticed happens to be the respect and discipline that has changed those peoples perception of life.

    Children that have started that might be on the wrong side of the tracks, always in
    trouble and no idea how to respect other kids. Put them
    in a controlled environment with discipline and fighting
    and they soon start to understand.
    Martial arts is one way for kids and adults to get rid of their aggression
    without hurting or bullying anyone.

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About the Broad

A humorous look at dating in your mid-thirties and the other hilarious things that happen around us on a daily basis.

January 2011
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