How “As Seen On TV” Products Can Change Your Life

If you’re anything like me, you absolutely despise attending any type of wedding shower, baby shower or housewarming party. I’ve made it my mission that all of my gifts going forward will be strictly from infomercials. Don’t say you haven’t been warned. I wonder how many Chia Pets it will take to get permanently blacklisted from luncheons where people clap enthusiastically over blenders and crock pots. How awesome would it be to give the blushing bride a clapper that was thoughtfully hooked up before present time? How confused would Nana be when the lights keep cutting on and off every time a toaster is opened?

My favorite new genius product is UGlu. It’s tape with mysterious glue-like qualities. It supposedly can fasten a shelf securely to the wall, but peel off in a jiffy if you should decide the location of that shelf is really starting to piss you off. Who isn’t faced with that dilemma constantly? A true test of any ‘as seen on TV’ product is what you can do with it to aggravate people. I get bored relatively easily, so I’m always looking for fun at the expense of others. Try this the next time you’re at the local watering hole being accosted by some Tap-Out shirt wearing roid monger: Create a distraction like, “hey, your shoe’s untied” or “what’s 2+2?” While he’s busy making hash marks on his napkin, firmly secure his protein shake with vodka to the bar with your handy UGlu. Nothing’s more hilarious than watching a giant muscle man struggle to lift his drink off the bar. Oh…the fun you’ll have.

The Shamwow is pretty impressive. I mean, C’mon… you can dry a wet dog, your car, or sop up urine when your stream is a tad off. Ok, so that last one isn’t featured in the commercial, but it’s a great selling point if you ask me. Evidently, a lot of couples have taken to incorporating the shamwow into their sex lives, since Target lists ‘room of use’ as the bedroom. Good to know. Another top-notch idea that someone conceived is the Robostir. This little kitchen helper stirs all of your soup, sauce and anything else your little heart desires. Is there any end to the amount of precious time and energy we waste stirring stuff? Just last week I asked myself, “Dear god, is there anything more exhausting than this constant stirring motion?” I swear I was one spaghetti dinner away from a nervous breakdown. Thank you, Robostir for hearing my desperate pleas.

Once you cross the line into ‘as seen on TV’ clothing items, it only gets better. Who can resist the ultra-sexy Pajama Jeans? They’re so comfortable; you’ll want to sleep in them! Perfect! I’m not going to lie; there have been times where I’ve passed out in my clothes. This saves me the guilty feeling the next morning. Good thing because I have a feeling wearing them in public might make me drink a whole lot more. Bonus… You get a FREE shapeless, hideous gray tee shirt with the purchase of your crazy cat lady jeans. Awesome! Who doesn’t love a nice corpse-like hue to bring out the very best in their complexion? I can’t wait to go on a date wearing this outfit. It’ll have to be someplace where I can lounge around like the broads in the commercial. I’ll need to take advantage of my comfort level while all the regular jean wearers look at me with envy in their eyes. It’ll be much easier for this chap to get in my pants, I would assume. Elastic waist banded, zipper-less jeans are ultra-convenient when it comes down to sexy time. If you find yourself constantly purchasing slutty shirts that put your cans in the window, then this next one’s for you. Cami Secret is a little lace doily that you pin to your bra straps. You can go from whore to bore in a few seconds flat! It’s a crafty little tank top imposter. It’s about time! The whole process of actually putting on a tank top is such a drag. Let me tell you… Your man can’t help but go wild when you take off that formerly trampy top later to reveal that seductive napkin pinned to your bosom. It also comes in five or six colors so you can look like an asshole in various color schemes. The commercial suggests that it’s perfect for the office. I always thought boobs HELPED with promotions, but what do I know?

So… who’s getting married next? I absolutely can’t wait for the shower!


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About the Broad

A humorous look at dating in your mid-thirties and the other hilarious things that happen around us on a daily basis.

January 2011
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