26
Jan
11

It’s Sexy Chicken Time!

As much as I love to write, one would assume that I would be masterful with the sext message. Unfortunately, I have two significant issues when it comes to sexually explicit word slinging. 1) I find it completely hilarious and can’t resist saying something utterly ridiculous just to get a reaction. 2) I have a solid track record of inadvertently sending them to the wrong recipient. As horrifying as it is each time it happens, you would think I’d proof read and triple check my contact list before firing off smut. Not the case, evidently. I’ve been seeing a new guy for a few months and I tend to send him inappropriate messages on a fairly regular basis. Last week, my intention was to plan a fun filled evening so I composed a very thoughtful message inviting him over for wine, a little sex and ‘some delicious rotisserie chicken.’ Very tame on the filth scale, but still gets across the ‘I’m going to bang you’ message I was after. Approximately ten seconds later, I received a text back that said, “What? Really??” As I glanced down at the peculiar response, I realized in horror that I had sent it to the morning show radio personality at Q 104 whose name begins with the same letter as the target. Nice guy, for the record, but I certainly don’t know him well enough to be offering up a chicken. We’re definitely not sexy chicken friends. Good God… with one press of the send key I’m all of a sudden trying to lure someone else’s husband with perfectly seasoned poultry.

I was probably just drunk and stupid, right? Nope… not me. I’m more of a lunchtime blackberry menace. The last time I assaulted someone with my whorish verbiage without an invitation was a few months ago. Larry Flint would have been impressed with the pornographic masterpiece I carefully crafted to send to my guy friend at the time. One can never be fully prepared for the “Who’s this” response to one of these pervo texts. The most tragic part is that I’m still not completely sure who was on the receiving end. I have it narrowed down to the Health Department Inspector or someone from the Prosecutor’s office. I didn’t recognize the name as it was listed… first and last name means it’s probably a work contact. I’m kind of hoping it was the health department. He’d likely look the other way for an E-Coli outbreak after that slutty work of genius.

My attempts at sending sexy pictures haven’t fared much better. First of all, it’s really hard to get the lighting and angle right. I really wanted to send my dude a nice boob shot last weekend, but I’d had a few cocktails before the makeshift photo shoot ensued. The end result was a blurry abdominal shot. No good stuff at all. It might as well have been an ad for Relacore, that’s how unattractive it was. It could have been a crime scene photo from the Cleveland torso murder investigation. Surely, only Eliot Ness would have an interest. In hindsight, I wish I’d captioned it ‘The Untouchable’. Who the hell wants a torso picture? Don’t get me wrong.. . I’ve managed to capture a few good ones. To my chagrin, I shared a few of those with a senior citizen at brunch last Sunday while trying to pull up pictures of my adorable daughter. Someone, please take my phone away.

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2 Responses to “It’s Sexy Chicken Time!”


  1. 1 Edward
    January 27, 2011 at 1:34 pm

    Read your letter and found it very funny – my first laugh of the day. Thank you.

  2. 2 Shazia
    January 28, 2011 at 12:45 am

    ROTFLMAO…Man, I weak! LOL :-))


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About the Broad

A humorous look at dating in your mid-thirties and the other hilarious things that happen around us on a daily basis.

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