08
Feb
11

What The Hell Does ‘Zoosk’ Even Mean?

I have no clue why anyone would opt to name their online dating site Zoosk. It reminds me of the sound old guys make when they sneeze. “Ah..Ah..ZOOSK”. Unfortunately, it’s a pretty solid indicator of what you might find in the way of selection on the site. As a public service, I’ve decided to share some of my experiences with you.

I was corresponding with this incredibly attractive guy for several weeks, when I finally agreed to a date. He wasn’t all that funny, but I just assumed that his hotness factor would distract me from his sucky sense of humor. He suggested bowling, which honestly sounds like a bullet to the brain to me. I’m not a bowler. Write that down, please. The minute I walked into this stupid bowling alley, I knew I’d been had. The man that greeted me looked like Mr. Rogers in the very late stages of his stint in the ‘neighborhood’. This dude didn’t have ONE hair on his head that wasn’t grey! Are you kidding me? In his profile picture, he had beautiful dark hair and matching eyebrows. That picture had to have been snapped before digital cameras were even an option. It was probably developed at Walgreens from one of those disposable ones. I saw some crappy movie once where the main character witnessed something so frightening, that his whole head turned grey virtually overnight. I doubt this was the scenario, but in case it was a true story, I reminded myself to inspect my own head for greys ASAP. The first words out of his mouth were: “So.. . do I look like my profile picture?” WHAAAAT? I replied without skipping a beat, “Well, you and I both know that you don’t.” Instead of running out as if the building was on fire, I elected to bowl with Gramps. His personality was dreadful and he smelled like he had just eaten a fistful of moth balls for dinner. I’d speculate that we were about six frames in when I began faking a horrific bowling injury. I grabbed my shoulder and winced as I groaned about my ‘damned rotator cuff injury flaring up’. I started babbling about Tommy Johns surgery, even though I know full well that’s an elbow injury. I apologized as I explained that time was of the essence. I surely needed to apply some sort of heat source immediately. I really had to fight the urge to ask him to sing the ‘Won’t You Be My Neighbor’ song before I hightailed it out of there.

I’ll have to admit, that I had some fun times on Zoosk… at the expense of others. Evidently, a lot of guys will cut and paste messages into the body of e-mails that they send to random women. I received one that appeared to be thoughtfully worded, until the last sentence. It said, “Happy Sunday”. My simple reply … “Umm, It’s Thursday” seemed to suffice in this instance. One fine 60 year old was looking for his perfect lady. It was critically important to him that she was ‘mentally challenged’. I politely pointed out that he probably should consider revising that to ‘mentally challengING’. Two VERY different things! By far my favorite was the idiot with the screen name ‘whoreallyknows’. The intention, I assume was ‘Who Really Knows’, which is dumb on its own. My feedback for this particular gent was as follows…

Who’s Ally? What does she know?… and why are you calling me a whore?

All in all, if I had to make a recommendation… I’d say hell no to Zoosk. I tried to quit repeatedly, and it was nearly impossible. It’s like the mafia of dating sites. You’re in for life. I finally e-mailed the administrator and threatened to post a bunch of random penis pictures on my profile. That appeared to do the trick. I can’t say that it was a complete loss. I did meet someone that appears to be pretty fantastic although it’s too soon to tell. Who knows? Maybe I found a needle in that shitstack.

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9 Responses to “What The Hell Does ‘Zoosk’ Even Mean?”


  1. April 2, 2013 at 5:07 pm

    I agree with you 100%. Could not agree more.

  2. October 10, 2013 at 7:30 pm

    I agree… worst name ever. Literally, every domain name on earth would have to be unavailable before I even considered naming a dating website Zoosk. WTF?!?

  3. 3 Carlos Jimenez
    March 22, 2014 at 7:15 pm

    Um believe it or not ive met my girlfriend of 7 months on zoosk and we really feel that we’re made for eachother we aren’t an ugly bunch we just never had time to date….. and she’s moving in next week look us up no bs I owe it all to zoosk. My profile name is “themanwholaughs”

  4. 4 Katie
    April 11, 2014 at 12:00 am

    Three years after you wrote this, Zoosk is still a shitstack. I, too, started blogging about it. 🙂 Thanks for the stumbled upon camaraderie!

  5. April 21, 2014 at 7:04 pm

    I do not even know how I ended up here, but I thought this post was good.
    I don’t know who you are but certainly you’re going to a famous blogger if you aren’t already 😉 Cheers!

    • 6 Jonnah Lake
      May 6, 2014 at 10:28 pm

      I agree! Funny as hell! And pretty spot on about Zoosk. I’ve only been on it for a little over a week and already had a crazy, crappy experience. But, the game is still on, so I’ll play for a little while longer. Good luck, Jen.

  6. 7 Jeff
    October 5, 2015 at 10:32 am

    Pointless online dribble, thanks for wasting a part of my existence.

  7. May 29, 2016 at 5:19 pm

    Zoosk means “cockroach” in persian, and the founder is persian (however, as weird as this sounds, in persian we call a pretty girl a cockroach!)


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About the Broad

A humorous look at dating in your mid-thirties and the other hilarious things that happen around us on a daily basis.

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