14
Feb
11

Valentine’s Day

Harder to draw this shape, I guess

Aww… Valentine’s Day. It’s one of the only days of the year that causes me to be downright hostile. I’m not in a relationship unless you count the manager at the Dunkin Donuts who smiles and winks at me every morning when I stop to get my Caramel Apple coffee. I’m not sure why I get pissed off because people have something I don’t. I don’t get angry every year on Grandparent’s Day because I only have one left. It’s not as if I walk by the hearing aid display at CVS and mutter under my breath or kick it. I’m not mean to other people’s grandmothers that day. I’m not Mexican, but Cinco de Mayo never makes me fly into a blind rage. I’ll fuck up a margarita or two and the biggest burrito I can get my hands on. Just last year I saw an Asian guy drinking a green beer while dressed as a leprechaun on St Patrick’s Day. He was having a blast, but my guess is that he’s in a bad mood today as well. There’s no way that guy has a girlfriend. Granted, those days are far less obnoxious that the hearts and lovey dovey crap displayed in preparation for February 14th. Besides, have you ever seen what a heart looks like? I have no clue how we transitioned into the heart symbol we see everywhere, but an actual heart looks like a chunk of raw meat dripping in blood. My curiosity got the better of me, so I deferred to Wikipedia which provided me with an answer that has a 60% chance of having any amount of accuracy at all: ‘The heart symbol could also be considered to depict features of the human female body, such as the female’s buttocks, pubic mound, or spread vulva .’Think about that the next time you give someone a spread vulva shaped box of chocolates. C’mon… how great is the heart anyways? I have to question an organ with a contentious relationship with bacon.

Surprisingly, Cupid also aggravates the crap out of me. First off, It’s hardly ever a good idea to shoot people with a bow and arrow, regardless whether it’s made of gold or not. It’s still violent and socially unacceptable. This little jerk was intentionally shooting people who were unlikely matches… which actually sounds like a fairly fun game if I’m being perfectly honest. In my opinion, this is how Labradoodles came to be (and Seal and Heidi Klum). If that isn’t enough to convince you that Cupid is a prick, he left his own wife because SHE LOOKED AT HIM! Yes. You read that right. How dare that bitch have the nerve to look at her husband in the face? Next thing she knows, she wakes up alone in a field with no money, no bus pass… nothing. Why is this type of guy a symbol for modern day romance? Hell if I know. He forces people who would typically hate each other to fall in love on command and he’s clearly the pioneer of the late night, pitch dark,’ how dare you make eye-contact with me’ booty call. I feel like he might in fact be the force behind Match.com.

My Valentine’s Day started with my four year old puking on me at 2 am, which actually makes it better than most. I plan to go out for beer and tacos later, possibly wearing a shirt with a pubic mound emblem, since I now think hearts are hilarious. I’d love to say that I’m happy for all of you who have found someone you can tolerate on a daily basis, but the truth is that I really don’t care. All I know is that if I hear one more person insinuate that you can ‘think with your heart’, I will likely go off the deep end. I will continue making all of my decisions with my brain. Most of them will suck, but I refuse to blame my heart. C’mon… if the heart could think, do you really think it would have an issue with bacon?

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About the Broad

A humorous look at dating in your mid-thirties and the other hilarious things that happen around us on a daily basis.

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