Do Dead Guys Read Status Updates?

Just the other day, I posted my first message to a dead guy via Facebook. Weird, right? I’m not even sure he had a Facebook account. If he did, he wasn’t on my friends list, but for whatever reason I posted a message just for him. To be fair, I’m sure Zuckerberg has limited control of the privacy settings in the afterlife, so it’s totally feasible that the message was received without incident. The original notification that my first male obsession in my life had passed away was conveyed through a friend’s status update as well. It’s become a normal part of life, considering that you can get a message out to so many people in a short period of time. Someone will post RIP ‘Guy Who Died’ typically followed by a general message of sympathy for the friends and family, as well as any information pertaining to the services. My issue with this revolves more around the ‘likes’ that accompany said announcements. I just don’t feel comfortable giving this particular type of update a ‘like’. Someone will post an obituary from a local news source, and there’s always a notation that ’15 people like this’. That comes across as “Woo-Hoo, he’s dead” to me. I think people must panic and clicking ‘like’ is a hell of a lot easier than coming up with something comforting or thoughtful to say. We’ll forgive you, death likers.

It’s also become fairly commonplace for someone to start up some sort of memoriam page on Facebook. You can have an entire page dedicated to the person in question. It will invariably be titled “RIP Guy Who Died.” You would have to join this group by once again insinuating that you like the fact that someone died. Click ‘like’ and you’re in, just be prepared for the backlash. Chances are, you also ‘like’ other things as well. Your newsfeed might look a little something like this… “Bob likes Pizza, Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2 and RIP Guy Who Died.” If that doesn’t make you look like an insensitive asshole, I don’t know what does. I mean, first of all who the hell LIKES ‘Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2’? It’s inconceivable. Seriously, George Lopez was awful in that movie and it’s clearly just a rip off of the Taco Bell dog, not to mention the clear cut racism. It’s apparently, the longest chalupa commercial ever made. Jesus, Bob. What the hell were you thinking? Plus, do you really need to announce that you like pizza. Doesn’t everyone? Now all you’ve managed to do is piss people off and you’ve lost all credibility. Nobody will ever again care what you like and poor Guy Who Died is left by the wayside. How many ‘likes’ would you have to get on one of these RIP pages before it was considered a success? We’ve already established that you can’t challenge Pizza in this battle. Maybe if you were able to rack up more ‘likes’ than ‘Meatball Lean Pockets’ it would be fairly impressive. Don’t get me wrong, those are delicious.

From the time I was 17-20 years old, the target of my RIP status update was the guy I absolutely worshipped. He was a few years older than me, so my parents were none too thrilled with the time I spent with him. I have a feeling they knew exactly what went on in that IROC he drove. On one occasion, he was caught with his pants down (literally) in my parent’s house. My mom came home way too early from the store, but this guy didn’t skip a beat. He unloaded my mom’s groceries from her trunk as he smiled and chatted her up… all while his fly was still down. He had a way of charming people that was almost disturbing. I, on the other hand, did not see the light of day for a month. I remember overhearing my dad say, “Damn, that guy’s good.” To my mother while they were discussing the fact that we likely desecrated their home. Unfortunately, my dad probably gets to read these status updates too, so he knows this guy’s coming and might have some questions for Prince Charming on the other side. Maybe I’ll fire off a tweet asking him to be nice, although I feel like Twitter might be more popular in hell. Besides, I can’t make my point in 140 characters or less. Facebook it is! I’ll see if I can get those two set up with a tee time. Don’t worry, I’ll set it up as an event so they get the proper notifications.

Dedicated to C.T. You will be missed!


1 Response to “Do Dead Guys Read Status Updates?”

  1. 1 Melanie
    February 23, 2011 at 10:03 pm

    I always enjoy your posts, but this one is my favorite so far. Thanks, Jen!

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About the Broad

A humorous look at dating in your mid-thirties and the other hilarious things that happen around us on a daily basis.

February 2011
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