04
Apr
11

Four Letter Word

There aren’t many people who would describe me as sappy or emotional on any level. This is precisely why I’m so horrified by something that happened to me over the weekend. Let me preface it by saying that alcohol was definitely a factor. A HUGE factor. I dropped a four letter word via text after about eight hours of drinking… on a Sunday. Well, that can’t be all that bad, right? Think again, friends. When that horrible word happens to be ‘love’, it doesn’t get much worse. I can’t even express the level of sheer terror I felt when I saw that text this morning. I’d actually be less surprised to wake up in a bathtub full of ice with one of my kidneys missing. I let out a horror movie worthy shriek, and I’m surprised 911 didn’t dispatch someone to my residence. It’s such a kick in the ass because I don’t even have those feelings towards the recipient. What the hell is wrong with me? What if I suddenly start saying that to everyone, like my mailman and the cashier at Target?

Don’t get me wrong, the guy in question is pretty awesome, but we’re more on an “I like your shirt” level than anything else. Ironically, it’s the first time I’ve dated someone and been completely comfortable with not knowing where it’s headed. I don’t need promises or labels; I just genuinely like to hang out with this dude. It’s been so laid back and easy… until 9:08 pm last night. Now I’m in an unusual predicament because once it’s out there, it’s nearly impossible to take back. I really need to pull out all the stops to dig myself out of this hole. This calls for drastic measures, indeed. Perhaps I should sleep with one of his friends or threaten to run him over with my car.

Generally, I only use that word when it’s followed by a harmless noun, such as football, cheese or Nickelback. As far as actual humans go, there’s only one person who’s earned that and she lived in my womb for nine months. The thought crossed my mind that there was a possibility I didn’t even author that text. It certainly doesn’t sound like something I’d say. Ever. There are a number of people who owe me and might think it was hilarious to jack my phone and spread the love. Just last week, I was having drinks at the Winking Lizard with a male friend of mine. We opted to leave because a 10 year old girl’s soccer team crashed the party. I couldn’t resist nervously shoving him out the door as I announced, “You know you’re not allowed to be in such close proximity to pre-adolescent girls.” He’s certainly hatching revenge. What better way to do that… spread vicious misconceptions that I have feelings. Anyone who’s been on the receiving end of one of my dirty texts, whether it’s intentionally sent to them or not, could likely vouch for the fact that I live in an emotional vacuum. If it’s not funny or obscene, I don’t really see the point most times.

When all is said and done, I hope this guy realizes that I’m not picking out my bridesmaid’s dresses or forwarding my mail to his house at this point. I can tell you this: my relationship with tequila has just come to a screeching halt. Leave it to me to get cock blocked by Jose Cuervo.

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2 Responses to “Four Letter Word”


  1. 1 Justice
    April 4, 2011 at 9:21 pm

    And that’s why I dropped Jose like a bad habit almost a decade ago. That bastard can get you into trouble. But ultimately, if the man is secure about himself and with the right explanation, I’m sure this snafoo will be overlooked without a worry 🙂

  2. 2 Jen J
    April 5, 2011 at 7:20 am

    Is it cool to just send him a link to the blog? That’s always my preferred method of explanation.


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About the Broad

A humorous look at dating in your mid-thirties and the other hilarious things that happen around us on a daily basis.

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