28
Aug
11

Sex Drive… Through a Building

Your New Girlfriend

A rather disturbing story hit the news recently regarding a truly inexplicable robbery in the Cleveland area. Liquor store, you ask? Lakewood branch of Key Bank? Nope, not quite. The scene of the crime was Adult Mart in Lorain County. You’ll be happy to know that no local pervs were injured, as the robbery happened somewhere in the neighborhood of 2 am. It seems that someone thought it was a fantastic idea to steal a big ass truck, back it into the store and make off with an $800 sex toy.

What kind of sex toy retails for $800, you ask while scratching your head in disbelief? Well, I’m here to enlighten you. The toy is a ‘life-like’ anatomically correct woman… Well it’s part of a woman, anyways. It appears there’s no need for a pesky torso, arms or head. This lovely lady consists of legs, butt and special lady parts with some sort of built in masturbation mechanism. As the proud owner of one of these high-end pleasure pals I like to call ‘Jane Doe’, you can choose between the two carefully designed pleasure holes. What guy wouldn’t want to drill away at a partially dismembered rubber lady? That’s not weird at ALL. If that’s not creepy enough, one of the selling points on the website is Jane’s adorable size 6 1/2 feet, which evidently are perfect for foot jobs. To be fair, it’s far less complicated than actually keeping a real woman’s feet in your freezer for such occasions.

I can’t help but wonder if there’s a market for the rest of Jane. Are there rubber heads and arms for sale as well for the other ‘jobs’ men are so enamored with? Does Adult Mart have a package deal for this serial killer starter kit? It seems to me that if you shell out $800 on her lower extremities, you should earn some type of reward points to be used towards the purchase of a head. As an added bonus, Jane can be easily hosed off in your kitchen sink, the shower, or with the hose in your front yard. Real women don’t take kindly to two out of those three options. We’re such bitches.

Jane weighs just over 20 pounds, and her ass will make a realistic sound while you’re smacking it. You can dress her up in pantyhose or your favorite lingerie and she’ll never bitch that she hates it. Did I mention the free lube that comes with it? What? $800 and you get free KY? I’m not sure why you’re still reading this. Doesn’t your buddy have a truck you can borrow? This chick sounds like the perfect date. Screw match.com.

The police will likely never find the robber. Let’s face it, this isn’t an item you’re likely to flaunt in front of your friends. It’s not like a stolen car or a flat screen TV. Anyone who recognizes this guy from surveillance video probably won’t want to admit it. They’d automatically be a pervert by association. At the end of the day, I’d like to think it was a frat prank, instead of some degenerate who’s always dreamed of banging half a woman made from recycled tires. I guess I’ll never know.

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1 Response to “Sex Drive… Through a Building”


  1. 1 Melanie
    August 28, 2011 at 10:47 pm

    “pipedream extreme”…No doubt that this little double entendre can be seen soon on an episode of HBO’s Real Sex…surely, described in fine detail by a man who lives in his Mother’s basement. Thanks for another great addition to the broad side, you are a riot!


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About the Broad

A humorous look at dating in your mid-thirties and the other hilarious things that happen around us on a daily basis.

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