Strip Search

I could never be a stripper… Not even when I was younger and hotter. I’d love to have you believe that there’s some moral code behind it, but the truth is that I find a vast majority of men repulsive. Being proficient as an exotic dancer demands that you trick yourself and other people into thinking you actually have some sort of attraction to the repugnant loser you may be grinding on. I can’t do it. I’ve never even been able to shamelessly flirt with someone in exchange for a beer if I’m not into him. It doesn’t feel right to mislead someone in that regard.

It’s not even necessarily about physical attraction. In order to earn a healthy motor-boating session with me, the guy needs to be intelligent enough to carry on a conversation, have a killer sense of humor and preferably have command over the basics of the English language. I can’t imagine anyone likes a stripper quiz before you pretend to reverse-cowgirl him while he’s still wearing jeans. That would be uncomfortable for the entire bachelor party, I reckon.

As a result of my scruples, I have a strange level of respect for women who can pull it off. I had the occasion to frequent one of these establishments on a Sunday afternoon a while back. Save your judgments. It’s not like I would have been in church otherwise. A friend of mine was throwing a 40th birthday party for her female boss, and the objective was to embarrass and humiliate her after she was half in the bag.

To say that it backfired is an understatement of epic proportion. It was one of the most uncomfortable moments of my adult life. The boss loved it and her inner lesbian was unleashed full-throttle. It was borderline pornographic and obscenely unattractive. It’s exactly why drunk people should never engage in any form of sexual behavior on camera and/or in public. At one point I thought she might have dislocated her shoulder or pulled a hammy because of the painful look on her face. The dancer who was subjected to this had to be dead inside to pull it off. How she managed not to laugh, I can’t wrap my mind around.

At one point, I had to walk away. I decided to make polite small-talk with the stripper on deck. It went something like this, “Excuse me, I don’t mean to bother you while you’re eating your nachos… naked, but could you point me towards the restroom?” She half-heartedly motioned towards the ladies room and continued to scarf down her family size platter of loaded nachos. Less than five minutes later, Kandi, or whatever her stripper alias was, appeared on the main stage to entertain the masses. I found myself oddly fascinated with her size 2 frame and her magical ability to camouflage the fact that she had eaten a week’s worth of food in one sitting. I realistically thought if I stared hard enough I might see a half-digested triangle floating around beneath the stripper belly chain. After she completed her stint on stage and windexed the pole off for the next performer, she came over to our table. She clapped enthusiastically and asked, “Who’s the birthday girl?” in a shrill little voice, as if she was addressing a table of children or mentally challenged helmet-wearers. I thoroughly expected her to launch into one of those birthday songs they sing at Applebee’s right before they bring out a brownie they try to pass off as birthday cake. At that exact moment I knew that I could totally pull off being a stripper… if I was a dumbass.


0 Responses to “Strip Search”

  1. Leave a Comment

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

About the Broad

A humorous look at dating in your mid-thirties and the other hilarious things that happen around us on a daily basis.

September 2011
« Aug   Dec »

What you missed

Follow me on Twitter


%d bloggers like this: