Cougar Resignation

I’ve noticed a disturbing trend the past few years. The older I get… the younger my boyfriends get. The age gap seems to widen each time I meet someone new. Eight years. Ten Years, then finally a dozen. I feel like it might be time to quit while I’m ahead. What if I suddenly start hanging out at college ID nights, hoping to score by tempting some communications major with a Bud Light Lime? How close am I to the state of Ohio’s sex offender registry? Thank God “To Catch a Predator” was cancelled. I’d hate to have to explain to Chris Hanson why I arrived at a teenage boy’s parent’s house armed with a three pack of berry wine coolers and a ball gag. I don’t want to consider the possibility that my next date might have still been shitting his pants the year I graduated from high school.

The last guy I dated (for about 10 minutes) always reminded me of someone, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. Now, I’m all but convinced he was on one of those boy band reality shows. Why do I continue dating hot, young bucks? I’m sure part of it is the pretty simple explanation, “because I can.” It’s flattering to get that type of attention from someone who’s significantly younger. I don’t drive a mini-van or wear mom jeans, so I can still pull it off. I’ll put some blame on the party responsible for creating both women and men. We hit our sexual awesomeness at 35ish. Most men are more concerned with scratching their own balls while napping by that juncture. If you don’t want me to bang twenty-somethings… why would you give me that type of sex drive during my banana bread making years? It hardly seems fair. A 28 year old man still has the ability to metabolize beer, plus there’s a good chance that the male pattern baldness hasn’t kicked in yet. Don’t get me wrong, there are certainly some attractive men in their 40’s and up, but they’re all married to other people. It’s not like I have time to sit around and wait for a fatal car accident to free one of them up. Hey, don’t judge me! I can be very comforting in times of tragedy.

My New Year’s Resolution this year is to resign from my cougar-ish ways, but last year I was going to start working out and try to tone down the sarcasm. There are little pieces of brownie crumbs on my keyboard right now and I’m a much bigger asshole than I’ve ever been… so we all see how that panned out. I guess I’ll just have to accept the fact that my dates won’t appreciate my ‘original Footloose v crappy remake’ argument or understand if I break into Valley Girl lingo. He’ll probably think ‘gag me with a spoon’ is a sex trick. Who knows? It could be fun.


2 Responses to “Cougar Resignation”

  1. 1 Jason
    January 8, 2012 at 5:05 pm

    Hey Jenn! I say do you what you wanna do! Its one lifetime! Enjoy it and to the fullest! – Keep Rockin!

  2. 2 Michelle
    August 14, 2013 at 12:01 am

    Hi. I am 52 years old and my last boyfriend was 35. He dumped me to be a daddy to a child he never knew he had. So I have tried to date older men who already have their offspring and are looking to date someone who can’t get knocked up. Funny thing is, all the men close to my age want to date women in their 20s.
    I do want a long term relationship. I am so tired of the 4 Fs. you know. Find them, follow them, F–k them, forget them. So I decided to go older. But come to find out the older guys are the same as the younger guys. All every one wants now a days is just a piece of ass. My latest companion was 29, but he swore that he was almost 30. That didn’t last. I don’t think men are done cooking at that age and need a little more time in the oven.
    I do like the young men. But I am afraid of getting attached to another one and being left on the curb when he decides it’s time to reproduce. See I also lost a husband of 18 years who was 9 years younger that way. Two men in a row to daddy day care.
    All the men I have dated in the last 6 months have turned out to be Jerks. They never want a 2nd date but would love to be my FWB. I have become so afraid of just being a one night stand over and over that I have taken myself off the market. Now when a man asks me out I actually have a panic attach. I use to think dating younger men was a big boost to my ego. Now I feel all used up. I could date much older men, but someone in his 70s is a major turn off to me.
    So I will see how it goes for now. I’m not as lonely as I thought I was. And who knows, maybe my next boyfriend just isn’t born yet.

    Thanks for listening.
    Lost without love.

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About the Broad

A humorous look at dating in your mid-thirties and the other hilarious things that happen around us on a daily basis.

December 2011
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