19
Apr
12

Divorced White Broad Seeking…

Admittedly, I haven’t been having the best luck with dating lately. Some of my friends have been asking me to define what I’m looking for, probably because they assume that my expectations are unrealistic. Either that or it’s a gentler approach than asking, “What the F is wrong with you, Jen?” Under the influence of some cheap wine, I took some time to sit back and evaluate exactly what I’m looking for in a potential match. I’ve put together a personal ad with most of my qualifications included.

Divorced White Female Seeks…

30-45 year old white man who possesses the following qualities:

Must Live independently of his wife and/or mother:  I require far too much attention to be someone’s side dish and I would be uncomfortable banging someone in their ‘room’ in a dank basement next to mom’s washing machine.

Should have all four limbs intact:  If tragedy strikes down the road, I’d likely be fine with you losing one, but I’d prefer to start off with an entire person.

Should not be all punchy:  I’m not comfortable with people who engage in physical confrontations. I’d kindly ask that you use your words to settle all differences. Let’s talk about our feelings, shall we? If we’re out in a bar and the fists start flying, I’m probably going to jump to conclusions and assume you’re on the steroids. Everyone knows that leads to erectile dysfunction, a pimple adorned back, and the much maligned tiny ball syndrome.

Should come equipped with a medium penis: If all goes well, this will eventually lead to sexual intercourse. Size matters. A lot… It’s imperative that I be able to feel it, but not to the point where I require a surgical procedure such as an episiotomy afterwards. Average is where it’s at!

Must have a job or be actively pursuing employment opportunities:  I’m far from materialistic, but I’m not paying for everything. If I wanted a gigolo, I’d defer to the back section of Scene magazine.

Reliable transportation is required: I’m just not getting on a bus with you. End of story. Gas is expensive… blah blah blah. There’s a lot of very rapey looking people on public transportation and we’ve already established the fact that you’re not a punchy guy, so who’s gonna defend me? Not you! (Disclaimer: I will take the rapid down to the MUNY lot during football season)

Must have a basic command of the English language: Remember all of those cool tricks they taught you in 2nd grade … Like the difference between ‘you’re’ and ‘your’? Well… that shit is still very applicable and can make a huge difference in a conversation over e-mail or text.

I would prefer that you are physically attractive: C’mon… who says they’re searching for someone who’s an eyesore? I want a dude I can be seen with during daylight hours in public. That doesn’t make me a bad person, does it?

No eye patches: I have a very vivid, recurring ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ themed nightmare. I can’t take that chance.

Have control over your alcohol intake: I’d love it if you didn’t black out on a regular basis, puke on me in the middle of the night after you sex me up with your medium penis or use an open dresser drawer as a urinal in the middle of the night. Cool?

MUST BE HILARIOUS: There’s really no gray area when it comes to that. Seriously… one knock-knock joke and it’s over.

So, now that everyone understands that I’m definitely NOT looking for a drunken, one-legged married unemployed Pirate with a bus pass… things can only go up from here.

 

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2 Responses to “Divorced White Broad Seeking…”


  1. 1 Justice
    April 28, 2012 at 4:18 pm

    sounds realistic and normal to me. Good Luck Jen!

  2. August 10, 2013 at 12:24 am

    Does he have to be a Browns fan as well?


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About the Broad

A humorous look at dating in your mid-thirties and the other hilarious things that happen around us on a daily basis.

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